Just Because Maine Man Blew His Head Off With Fireworks Doesn’t Mean They Should Be Illegal

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Source: A 22-year-old man who was drinking and celebrating the Fourth of July tried to launch a firework off the top of his head, killing him instantly, authorities said Sunday.

Devon Staples and his friends had been drinking and setting off fireworks Saturday night in the backyard of a friend’s home in eastern Maine, said Stephen McCausland, a spokesman for the state Department of Public Safety.

Staples, 22, of Calais, a small city on the Canadian border, placed a reloadable fireworks mortar tube on his head and told his friends he was going to light it, McCausland said. But his friends urged him to stop.

“Apparently, he thought that was a great idea,” McCausland said. “His friends they thought dissuaded him from doing it, and the next thing they knew, he ignited the fireworks and he was killed instantly.”

Staples’ death is the first fireworks fatality in Maine since the state legalized fireworks on Jan. 1, 2012, authorities said.

Lawmakers had voted to repeal a 1949 law banning fireworks, reasoning the industry would create jobs and generate revenue.

State fire marshals were also investigating several other Fourth of July fireworks accidents involving injuries in Friendship, Jefferson, Lebanon and Woodstock. They said most of the accidents involved burns and eye injuries.

In Montana on Saturday, a 32-year-old man was killed at a Billings home in a fireworks accident involving a mortar tube.

And in New Jersey, a 52-year-old man blew off a large piece of his left leg below the knee when he set off a tennis-ball sized firework in Leonia.


Fucking Maine. Maine being Maine. That’s what this is right here. Anyone who lives north of Portland is capable of anything. This might be the least surprising story I’ve ever read.

Look, this is nothing less than Darwinism at work. It’s tragic, but it happens. When you live in a country of 300 million people who grow up in a culture where loud noises are glorified, there’s gonna be some collateral damage.

Where we draw the line at Turtleboy Sports is when the media turns this into a whole thing about whether or not fireworks should be legal. Because clearly that’s what happened here with this AP article. Why bring up those isolated incidents in New Jersey and Goddamn Montana (the Maine of the west)?Because they’re trying to whip up a debate here about the legality of fireworks.

Look, it’s dumb for any state to ban something that isn’t illegal in the state next door to it. Why does Massachusetts bother banning fireworks if all you have to do is cross an imaginary line and go to the fireworks store? How can you possibly stop this? The only states that can justify laws like this are Hawaii and Alaska. That’s it. At least if it were an international border you’d have to stick the fireworks up your ass. But state lines? State lines aren’t real.

That’s why this story about a woman who was arrested in Barnstable for $7,000 worth of fireworks she legally purchased in New Hampshire is such bullshit. First of all, I’d like to hang the poopsmooch in town square who sold them the fireworks and then called the fuzz on them. There’s a special wing in hell for that dooshnozzle and people like them. They had the audacity to accept $7,000 from the customer, and then narc them out immediately afterwards. What a steaming pile of shit they are.

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But the woman is an adult, and so was the kid up in Maine who blew his head off. And in America, adults get to make adult decisions. If you wanna buy fireworks then go for it. If you die while setting them off, sucks to be you.

The bottom line is that the state has to stop trying to protect us from ourselves. We have way too many laws that protect us from our own stupidity. The only law that should matter is the law of natural selection. Boom. Problem solved.

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18 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    July 7, 2015 at 12:03 pm

    Remove the warning labels and let natural selection sort everything out.

    • Kevins 9 Iron
      Frank Lee
      July 8, 2015 at 1:15 pm

      Believe me, leaving the warning labels on would not slow down that sorting one bit.

    July 7, 2015 at 11:25 am

    This is what happens when family members breed. I hope this turned that family tree into A stump.

  • Taryn
    July 6, 2015 at 7:44 pm

    The city police felt the need to warn against “celebratory gunfire” for the 4th of July… perhaps we DO need protecting from ourselves.

  • July 6, 2015 at 2:38 pm

    There’s a reason I tried to warn you people about this…

  • Chris From Georgia
    July 6, 2015 at 12:18 pm

    Anyone who shoots a firework off from the top of his certainly has earned a nomination for this year’s Darwin Awards!

  • Maggie the Cat
    July 6, 2015 at 12:11 pm

    This Maine guy deserves a special category of Darwin Awards — “The Lifetime Achievement Darwin Award”.

    • Kevins 9 Iron
      Frank Lee
      July 8, 2015 at 8:01 am

      sorry i should’ve noted the sarcasm switch.

  • Kevins 9 Iron
    Frank Lee
    July 6, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    I for one don’t understand how he could have obtained these infernal devices. Aren’t they illegal?

    • GoneWest
      July 6, 2015 at 2:10 pm

      They’re legal in Maine since 2012, according to the article

  • Married to a dumbass
    July 6, 2015 at 11:53 am

    What about the people who do dumb things, like shoot a roman candle from between their butt cheeks? Is there no one to protect us from their idiocy?

  • Devils Mouthpiece
    July 6, 2015 at 11:07 am

    That is why this is the best bumper sticker of all times…

    I’m not saying “kill all the idiots”. I’m just saying remove all the warning labels and let nature run it’s course….

    -source unknown

  • Jafreese
    July 6, 2015 at 10:49 am

    Thankfully these knuckleheads blew only themselves up. But I look at these laws more that they might prevent some dumbass neighbor from blowing up me or my family rather than trying to protect me from myself. Unless you’re doing something real dumb the cops usually leave you alone anyway

  • Older Balls
    July 6, 2015 at 10:19 am

    Once again the T&G leads and TB follows.

    • Baldino's Parents Were Siblings!
      July 6, 2015 at 10:22 am

      Excellent observation! Spot on!!

      • Kevins 9 Iron
        Frank Lee
        July 6, 2015 at 11:59 am

        Even Baldino admits his parents are siblings lol.

    • Kevins 9 Iron
      Frank Lee
      July 6, 2015 at 11:58 am

      so why are you over here? Because you are a douche of course.

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