Kevin Durant’s Meaningless Championship Is Like Losing Your Virginity To A Prostitute

Kevin Durant’s Meaningless Championship Is Like Losing Your Virginity To A Prostitute

Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Screen Shot 2017-03-31 at 2.17.19 PM





Just saw a couple people claim we don’t write about sports anymore. They’re right. The fact of that matter is that sports blogs don’t bring home the bacon. But we like sports, so we’re gonna talk about them anyway. Because the NBA Finals this year might’ve been the lowest point I’ve ever seen in professional sports. We knew from the beginning of the year it was gonna be Cavs-Warriors. There was literally no point in the regular season or the the playoffs. And we knew that the Cavs were gonna lose because the team with the most wins in NBA history added a top 3 player in Kevin Durant. The Warriors creampied Cleveland in three of their four wins, culminating in the most boring finals victory you will ever see last night. Now Kevin Durant is running around like he actually accomplished something:

This is the most underrated bitch move in the history of sports. What is he even celebrating? This is like losing your virginity to a prostitute. Sure, I guess it feels good and all, but you knew you were gonna lay the pipe the second the transaction was completed. You didn’t have to have any game. You just needed a pulse and steady blood flow. Does it even count? Could you brag to your friends about it when the result was a foregone conclusion?

Dude was up on Golden State 3-1 last year before Oklahoma City blew it. Back in the day you would just, ya know, get better and try to beat them next year. Or go to a team like Boston or Washington. Ya know, a team that didn’t win 73 wins and just beat you in the Western Conference Finals the year before. But instead he went to the team he couldn’t beat, in the biggest bitch move of all time.

Plus, Golden State probably would’ve won the whole thing without him. That’s how little he meant. They should’ve won last year. They were the best team.

To me, he’s surpassed LeBron on the dooshometer. Yes, LeBron did something similar when he teamed up with Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh in Miami. But the difference is that Cleveland didn’t beat LeBron the year before, and Miami didn’t win 73 games. They were an average team that LeBron turned into a champion. So yea, I hated Durant more. Until this happened:

“I don’t believe I’ve played for a super team. I don’t believe in that.”

Bitch, your super team just got steamrolled by a megasteroid team. Congrats, you started the process that ruined the NBA. Well done.

And no, the Celtics Big 3 wasn’t a super team. The Celtics earned that ring by sucking for so long and still hanging on to Paul Pierce. Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen didn’t sign here to win a ring. We traded ford them by giving away assets we earned by sucking for so long. Without the fifth overall pick we don’t get Ray Allen. Without Al Jefferson (a first round pick) and a bunch of other prospect garbage we don’t get Garnett. They couldn’t have made this trade when they were 25 like Bron was when he want to Miami or Durant when he went to Oakland. They were in their 30’s and all on the decline. Huge difference. That’s not a super team.  That’s great asset management by Danny Ainge. That’s how super teams used to be built. Now these cuntnuggets who can’t win on their own sign to play with each other for less money because everyone gets a trophy.


Boom. Sports.

6 Comment(s)
  • Me
    June 25, 2017 at 7:58 pm

    100% true. Durant running around celebrating like he accomplished something is amusing.

    I’m gonna steal your analogy about losing your virginity to a prostitute.

  • Jack
    June 21, 2017 at 4:35 am

    Spot on analysis. Durant is weak sauce on estrogen.

    And I love how the douches at ESPN and elsewhere are saying that Durant’s decision was vindicated because he scored a bunch of points in the Finals and won a ring. Duh! You mean the 2nd best player in the world and historically prolific scorer balled out on a back to back Finals appearing, 73 game winning, All-Star loaded, championship team?? Who’d a thunk it?? Well, … Durant did. That’s why he went there. That’s why it was uber weak, you knuckleheads.

    The guy wasn’t doubled teamed once the entire series. Nor were the Cavs able to try and go underneath and deny him the ball because then you’ve got to worry about Curry, Green, Thompson, Iguidala, etc. open at the 3 pt. line. All at the same time! Boy, way to overcome adversity, KD.

    Most meaningless ring and Finals MVP ever.

  • Erin
    June 14, 2017 at 11:21 am

    I like your sports takes. Keep them coming.

  • Lebron
    June 14, 2017 at 10:25 am

    I’ma…and this is real hard…I’ma take my talents to the Bay Area.

  • Steven Stover
    June 13, 2017 at 9:50 pm


    • Jack
      June 21, 2017 at 4:38 am

      Yes, that’s what this season and the Finals felt like due to K(upcake)D jumping on the GS bandwagon.

Comment on this Post


Who Did A Better Job Of Cheating: Jason Kidd or Mike Tomlin?
Cleveland Browns Backup QB Is Best Kept Freak Show In NFL
Priceless Fan Reactions to Alabama-Auburn Game As BCS Fails Again In It’s Final Season