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Last Friday the state went crazy over an Amber Alert out of New Hampshire when Erika Wallace scampered off with her 2 year old son during a DCF supervised visit at The Mall Of New Hampshire. I live up in Lawrence so when shit hits the fan I don’t usually react like most normal people. Drive-by shootings? Planes flying into condos? Dead people in their cars? Seabrook Power Plant meltdown? Just a typical Thursday afternoon. The traffic on 495 between Andover and Haverhill won’t be any better or worse and honestly, we could use some thinning of the herd around here. But when an Ambert Alert makes my phone tweak out in my lap while I’m going 90 over the Marston St. bridge on grooved pavement and double-fisting Dunks, I’m at full attention. Shit’s no joke.

Erika and her hubz Joshua were arrested last Fall when they were caught buying heroin in Lawrence. Erika made the swap in broad daylight, popped the bag in her mouth and went back to her car. When the cops went to the car they found the drugs and their 1 1/2 year old son in the back seat.

A lot of people were confused at first because you don’t typically consider mom to be a kidnapper. Usually you picture Skeevy Steve rolling up in his tinted conversion van that smells like Bengay and Fritos looking for “directions” to the Methodist church. (Maybe your version is  more scary-lady-from-the-Runaway-Train-music-video, to each their own.)

Instead Erika Wallace (dressed in her finest Hanes Tshirt, Bruins sweatpants and flip flops) decided that she’d had enough with pesky ol’ DCF and while the woman “supervising” her visit was too busy scrolling through CraigsList on her phone, she gave the slip. Hopefully supervisor lady was perusing for a new job because you know her ass got canned.

Derp!

Studied juvenile corrections. Oh the irony.

Ok first of all, who the hell decides that The Mall Of New Hampshire is an ideal location to have supervised visits? When I think of supervised visits I think of DCF centers with terrible lighting, tattered rugs and some crappy pastel murals painted on the walls in a sad attempt to make people forget that they’re horrible parents. The freakin’ mall? Tons of people, children, noise and wide open spaces? Not exactly Fort Knox. The woman responsible for watching Erika said she “looked down at her phone, looked up and they were gone.” I call bullshit. Do you know how long that broad must have been staring at her IPhone for Erika to make it out of the food court, down to her POS minivan and on the road? Police were called and she was long gone. That’s at least a full round of Candy Crush. Bravo, lady.

Joshua Wallace (dad) and Nicolette Russell (Erikas sister) were with her when the cops found them later in the day. Joshua’s testimony varies. His lawyer said Josh had noooo clue that Erika was going to nab their son, called her stupid when he found out she didn’t have permission and told her they needed to bring him back. Then there’s the version where he claimed that he didn’t even find out she took their son until 8 p.m. that evening. The problem with that scenario is that the police found them in Tewksbury around 7 and he was in the car.. With suitcases and diapers..

An undercover Tewksbury cop happened to notice their car when he was scoping out the Motel 6 on route 38. That Motel 6 has been a hellhole forever because the rooms are cheap and nobody cares what goes on there especially since the Motel Caswell closed and was demolished in 2014. (The Caswell was infamous for prostitution, drug use, hourly/daily/weekly rentals and their only kind of STD-ridden, heart-shaped hot tubs. Think wood paneling. Think glory holes. R.I.P. Caswell.)

So cops arrest mama slouch and the crusty bunch, the kid is brought back to DCF custody and everything ends up pretty OK for a cross-border human theft.

Joshua had one warrant from their initial arrests back in September. Erika?

This slinky cheddar-beast wasn’t in jail, was allowed to come and go to her executive job at Burger King, live with her husband, hang with friends, troll social media and have visitation with her son and she has NINE FUCKIN strikes against her!?

I’m sorry, I just got the intense urge to wrap my entire head in saran-wrap and swan dive into my oven.

It’s like the state of NH is playing the ballsiest game of Deal Or No Deal ever. So we just gamble with these two dickbiscuits until they, oh I don’t know, steal a child? It’s not like they have any sort of good standing with the courts.

So we’ve got previous arrests, buying drugs in the Gutter of Lawrence with their kid in the car and defaulting on numerous warrants but she’s still allowed to meet up with her kid for ice cream and romps at Cowabungas? It’s a good thing her Facebook page isn’t 100% public, otherwise people could just go on it and look at her joking about smoking weed, going out for drinks with her mom and talking shit about the courts.

Kind of like this:

Like clockwork the “don’t judge” brigade comes on spewing their idiocy and convincing themselves and each other that they’re Stepford Wives 2k17 when in reality they have all the wit and charm of a rancid porkchop.

Clearly this chick doesn’t give one single, solitary fuck about bettering herself or even PRETENDING she is. She lives in a fairytale where she’s a great mom surrounded by slagbag flying monkeys telling her how amazing she’s doing. She’ll get her son back quicker than she can click her Reebok classics together.

(This is where they tried smooching in court)

BARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARF

Both plead not guilty and are being held on 15k bail each. Nicolette was released without bail.