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The only way to get invested in the Super Bowl when the Patriots aren’t playing is by gambling on ridiculous shit.
8 and 8. AKA – fucked. Could be worse I suppose. 38-28? 28-8? When you get numbers like that your hopes are pretty much dashed already.
Luckily Bovada has all sorts of fun prop bets you can make, and Turtleboy goes into battle with 40-50 of his favorite prop bets every year. However, despite doing this for 9-10 years straight there is one bet that was AWLAYS lose – the over/under on the national anthem. A few years back Christina Aguilera was signing and you just knew she was gonna go over because that’s just how Christina Aguilera rolls. Then she forgot a whole stanza of America’s song and went under by 10 seconds. Somehow she wasn’t deported for slapping America in the face like that. She joined the list of people like Kelly Clarkson, Alicia Keys, and that lady no one has ever heard of last year, as people who have thoroughly disappointed Turtleboy.
Anyway, this year it’s Lady Gaga. Ya got that? Lady freaking Gaga is singing the National Anthem. And she has the longest over/under in Super Bowl national anthem history – 2:20. For a reference point Kelly Clarkson was 1:34. Alicia Keys was 2:10, and that woman is infamous for making the song all about her.
We did a little research on Lady Gaga sining the National Anthem and the only video we could find was her singing it at the NYC Gay Pride Rally in 2013. She took 2:15 for this version right here:
I know you’re trying to be supportive of the LBG community, but saying, “and the home for the gays” just makes you an asshole. Sing the song and save the Macklemore grandstanding for the VMA’s.
Anyway, Turtleboy likes the over this year:
As you can see, if you bet $100 on the over and she goes over, you win $150. Because odds are she’s going under. I don’t know why they can’t just move it to 2:15 in order to have an even betting line, but you can’t fight Vegas. Nevertheless, Lady Gaga is a narcissist and she will almost definitely make this song all about her. People like Kelly Clarkson love America which is why they get through it so quick. But pretentious dooshnozlles like Lady Gaga try to add their own special flavor to America’s song by adding their little, “la-la-la” to ever note. Plus it’s way more fun to root for the over than it is the under. This is the year the Turtleboy Sports curse ends. Here’s our favorite prop bets:
Cam Newton is -125 to win MVP. He’s an overwhelming favorite and he will win the MVP. The Super Bowl MVP almost always goes to the quarterback from the winning team and the Panthers are going to win this game. Who else could possibly win it? Even if Josh Norman had a pick six Newton would still get it. The NFL loves this guy. No way Carolina wins this game and he doesn’t get the MVP.
This is a very simple formula. If the MVP is white they thank their teammates, the fans, or the owners first. If the MVP is black they thank God first. That’s not being racist either. It’s been proven over and over again in Super Bowl prop bets. This is historically Turtleboy’s most successful NFL prop bet.
Are you kidding me? What are the odds a 7 year old girl is gonna have front row seats to the Super Bowl? Either way, little boys are assholes. There is no way in hell a boy isn’t gonna force his way to that front to get the Cam Newton game ball. The money isn’t good at -200, but that’s just because they want suckers to bet on a girl getting the ball. This is easy money.
Is there gonna be an earthquake? Probably not. But since the Patriots aren’t playing we might as well root for one. Because rooting for an earthquake is way more fun than rooting against an earthquake.
There’s just too many ways in which Brock Osweiller can get in this game. If the Broncos get smashed early on, they’ll do the fake Peyton Manning injury to help him avoid embarrassment. If the Panthers get up by a million they could put in whoever his backup is to take a few knees. Anything could happen, plus the money line at +200 is good.
A lot of people think this is gonna be a turnover fest because of the Peyton Manning factor. It won’t be because the Broncos won’t let him embarrass himself like that. They’ll try to run the ball and they’ll play it safe like they’ve done ever since he came back. This will be under 2.5.
Blue and orange are the favorites for this, but we like yellow for +600. Pete Carroll got the yellow gatorade two years ago, and quite frankly yellow is the most delicious gatorade flavor. People like blue and orange because they’ve been fooled into thinking that each team is loyal to their team colors. That is a dumb way to think. It will be yellow again this year and it will be dumped on Ron Rivera.
CJ Anderson is the favorite for this one at +250. But Ronnie Hillman touches the ball just as much as him and is really more of a goal line back. This is not to score the first TD in the game, it’s to score the first TD for the Broncos. Plus, Denver doesn’t trust Manning so they’ll try to run it in. Gimme that +700 any day of the week.
Was tempted to take a long shot on this one, but Greg Olsen is by far Cam’s favorite and most reliable target. And the Panthers will more than likely score first, so we’d be dumb not to take Olsen at +650.
And the rest……
Enjoy the Super Bowl bitches.
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