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Creating public awareness about nudniks who are menaces to society is a specialty of ours at Turtleboy Sports. That’s why I had to jump on this story when I saw it all across the Facebook machine today because people were sharing this Facebook post from a local Worcester lawyer:
As you can see it’s been shared 856 times on Facebook. That’s like borderline Busgate territory we’re getting into. And what’s up with Shaw’s being shady? A little old lady got run over in your parking lot. You had access to the video. Why the hell would you not immediately turn that over? Is there videotape of Shaw’s workers bringing in dead hookers and putting them in the produce section? Typical Shaw’s. That’s the real crime here. Why would ANYONE shop at Shaw’s. It’s expensive and terrible. And why are there SO many Shaw’s around here and no Market Baskets? I’ve met people who have never had the pleasure of a magical shopping experience at Market Basket. You have no idea what you’re missing. Maybe we should do a blog where we rank local grocery stores.
Anyway, I really like this lawyer’s style. Any businessman or businesswoman who isn’t using Facebook for marketing purposes is a moron. Turtleboy Sports couldn’t survive without Facebook. Everyone’s on it, so why not use it to your advantage? Fuck due process. She doesn’t represent the defendant; she represents the plaintiff. This is what winners do. They think outside the box and get things done that need to be done.
The comments under it were pretty entertaining too, because EVERYONE who comments on Facebook is an expert on EVERYTHING. Like this genius:
Yea, so you really need to get out more Lauren. Shaw’s moved from one part of Gold Star Boulevard to a quarter mile down the road on Gold Star Boulevard like, 10-15 years ago. I can’t even remember it being next door to Austin Liquors. Get with the times girlfriend!!
Who uses Facebook to solve a case? Ummmm, someone who understand how technology and marketing work? I’ve never met Sharon before, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say she’s over 50. And I haven’t even taken a look at her profile picture or anything. But generally anyone who can’t understand why someone would use the second most trafficked website in the world to improve outcomes for their clients, is most likely an old person who thinks the Internet is a cesspool where your kids go to get molested. I had no idea who this lawyer was before this. Now we’re writing about her and thousands of people are going to know how committed she is to her job. But yea, she probably should’ve paid for an ad in Pulse Magazine that no one will see instead. Because everyone always reads the ads in Pulse Magazine, instead of just opening up to the middle, seeing if they know anyone who was at the bars, and then tossing it in the trash.
Then there were the people who wanted to solve the case themselves:
Good work gumshoes!! You cracked the case!! Let’s start subpoenaing Planet Fitness to see if anyone’s been going extra hard on leg day recently. The suspect is also appears to be pretty hot. Maybe we should be questioning the Union Tavern since that place is filled with junior smokeshows on the regular.
Then we had this dingleberry Chris Fortin who couldn’t believe people were sharing this on Facebook because the suspect is probably innocent:
LOL. You know what’s ironic? By commenting on this article three million times, every single person on Chris Fortin’s Facebook roster saw the Facebook post. He was basically sharing it every time he commented on it. But yea, apparently this woman ran over an elderly woman, spoke with her, and then sped off. And it was all caught on camera. But besides that the allegations are unproven.
By far my favorite comment of all the comments was this one:
At first I was confused by this post. Like, what on earth does your birthday have to do with any of this? Then it hit me – She thinks she’s commenting on her Facebook page. Old people thinks random things they type on the Internet all go to the same place. And that’s just the tops!! Because old people who don’t understand how the Internet works are the blogging gift that keeps on giving. God bless you, and happy birthday to you Linda Stapleton Derosier, and job well done Counselor Nicole Longton!!
Now let’s help this little old lady out and see if we can find out who this smokeshow criminal is by sharing the shit out of this on the Facebook machine!!
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