WTF

Legendary UVA Goalie Pounds Keystone Light During 7-0 Massacre, Upsetting Prudes Everywhere

University of Virginia goalie Jake Anderson was kicked out of a 7-0 game for pounding a Keystone Light on the ice. Here’s why this is a huge injustice. 

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YahooJake Anderson is a sophomore goalie for the University of Virginia’s club hockey team. On Friday night, he carried a shutout through two periods against in-state rival Virginia Commonwealth, and his team was up 7-0. But as the cliché goes, you never want to celebrate too early. 

Alas, Anderson couldn’t help himself, succumbing to the sirens’ song of frat bro peer pressure and the cold refreshment of a Keystone Light. 

Anderson slammed a can of Keystone behind his goal, tossed to him by his Chi Phi fraternity brothers in the stands, during a timeout on the ice. It was just after the second intermission in a game played on Friday night.

Being that the ACCHL generally frowns upon its players consuming alcoholic beverages on the ice during games, Anderson was given a 5-minute major penalty and a game misconduct, sending him back to the dressing room where he … probably did the same thing that got him ejected, come to think of it.

So some idiot who is Virginia’s hockey beat writer didn’t think this was very funny at all:

Main Street Arena was packed for the Hoos’ home opener against VCU. With over a thousand people in attendance, the line stretched along the Downtown Mall and the rink eventually reached its maximum legal capacity. It’s safe to say the crowd got what they wanted. A 10-1 win over VCU got the squad off on the right foot to start their run at an ACCHL championship.

Jake Anderson had a shutout through two periods until he was disqualified for consuming an alcoholic beverage on the ice. This selfish act drew eerie parallels to the maturity of a middle schooler desperate for attention from his crush and led to a five minute major penalty to begin the third period, which Virginia killed off successfully. Tommy Graber finished the game in net and did so admirably, only allowing one goal in the final frame.

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Oh get over yourself. Dude, you’re a beat writer for UVA hockey. No one has ever in the history of the world given a shit about UVA hockey. Now we do, because of this glorious coed, who will forever go down in college history for pounding a Keystone Light during a game. We’re talking about Keystone fucking Light here. It’s mostly water anyway.

I mean, you’ve got a line down the street filled with rowdy college drunkards, looking for an excuse not to kill themselves after Notre Dame demolished their souls this weekend. They come out for a hockey game and watch their club team destroy their cross state rival. What did you expect them to do? Of course they’re gonna give their goalie a beer. He earned it. What’s he supposed to do? Not drink it? Throw it back? You think anyone’s ever coming again if he does that? Because at this point it’s about selling tickets and filling seats. And when you live in the South the only way you can get people to care about hockey is by adding beer to it.

The bottom line is, hockey is an international sport. And in any other country, no one would give a shit about this. Seriously, picture ANYONE in Russia giving a shit that a guy drank a beer during a blowout club hockey game. We’re talking about a bunch of people who ate their frosted flakes out of a bowl full of vodka that morning.

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But unfortunately we live in a country that was founded by prudes who were offended by all the fun that people were having fun in Europe. Therefore we are the only country on earth where alcohol is stigmatized to the point where you can die in a war but you can’t drink a Keystone Light without making it onto Turtleboy Sports.

PS: Keystone Light is easily the greatest beer ever made. I’m a middle aged man who walks into a strange liquor store hoping and dreaming that they sell Stones. I’m almost always left disappointed. Turtleboy isn’t a fancy beer guy. I need something delicious and poundable, and nothing fits the bill better than Keystone Light.

 

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12 Comment(s)
  • Publius
    September 15, 2015 at 12:09 pm

    Why the animosity toward UVA? Go Hoos !

  • Dude
    September 15, 2015 at 10:43 am

    Seeing how he was a sophomore, that would most likely put his age between 18 and 20. So, had they let the transgression happen without any sort of penalty the school, NCAA, officials, etc. would have had to deal with the fallout of letting a minor pound a beer during a game. I don’t see how this is a big deal, kid shouldn’t have drank it during the game. He should accept his penalty (whatever it may be) and move on.

  • Lincoln Street Turtle Rider
    September 15, 2015 at 8:47 am

    SMH… college kids.
    doesn’t the NCAA have rules against this sort of thing.
    Save the beer for the beer leagues, not to underage college kids.

    • WTatnuckGansta
      September 15, 2015 at 9:28 am

      You hush.

    • Wabbitt
      wabbitt
      September 15, 2015 at 12:46 pm

      Ok grandpa, go watch some Matlock reruns.

  • Nanny
    September 15, 2015 at 8:14 am

    Meh. Oglethorpe would pound a handle of Jack between periods. Old Time Hockey.

    • Sweyn Forkbeard
      September 16, 2015 at 3:01 pm

      I’m pretty sure Eddie Shore would have been a Keystone Light guy if it was available back in the day.

  • TFB
    September 15, 2015 at 6:17 am

    me and the bros spent roughly $1500 on 30 racks of stones back around 2006 looking for the magical Orange can. best month of my life

  • BobnMic
    September 14, 2015 at 11:45 pm

    Holy Schnikes….. You’re a goalie getting fucking hockey pucks slapped at you at 100 + miles an hour from way inside the blue line by some asshat who does not know how to do a wrist shot or a quick shot. Not to mention the inability to try to out finesse you with some stick work and maybe sneak one in with a backhand.

    Seriously, Fuck that. I would be so drunk that the Zambonie would not have to resurfice the front of my net because of all the number ones I took….

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    September 14, 2015 at 11:40 pm

    Keystone Light? Jesus they may as well have thrown him a PBR.

    • TDF
      September 15, 2015 at 6:25 am

      Nothing wrong with an ice cold PBR…

      • Finnish Goalie
        September 15, 2015 at 7:27 am

        Russian owned.

        Don’t support the Putin war chest.

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