Hoodrat Heroes

Let Me Tell You About How I Almost Got Hoodwinked By A Ratchet Royale This Weekend In A Supreme Moment Of Naive Stupidity I Am Totally Ashamed Of.

This a little embarrassing, but in all fairness, if I am going to share my triumphs with you all, I should share my blunders as well. I usually pride myself in my unwavering skepticism, but it, well, wavered. So, let me tell you about my weekend. In between sifting through hundreds of super disturbing photos and screenshots proving Kaylin Fayne to be extremely sketchy in her handling of God’s living creatures, I came across this post:

My interest was obviously peaked because:

  1. If someone stole my dog I would freak out and go full Liam Neeson until I got him back.


2. I was investigating a suspected dog flipper out of Connecticut, the dog was reportedly stolen out of a park in Connecticut, and I couldn’t figure out where she was getting all the dogs. (The two are not related after all).

3. Turtleboy is the protector of dogs.


So I decided to contact the OP, and that’s where things got….weird. I probably should have paid more attention to the red flags thrown from the get-go, but it was a pupper, so my emotions got the best of me for a moment. Lesson learned.


RED FLAG #1 – The OP’s Facebook profile.

She went by “Pryncess Love.” That is the regal title of a trap queen, non negotiable.  This should have immediately slowed my roll, but…. I rock a little inner ratchet myself, and besides, dogs don’t discriminate. They don’t care if you look like you give bargain handies in the back bedroom of your section 8 hovel in between swigs of Hennessy and only dates dudes who go by one letter nicknames like “Z” or “J” and wear flat brimmed Bulls caps with stained wife beaters and 7-day-detox-stay Adidas track pants.


But maybe that’s why they need Turtleboy to protect them?


RED FLAG #2: She was able to get the license plate and make/model of the car, but the Police hadn’t done anything.


In fact, she made it so easy to ID the thief, in hindsight it is 110% implausible the cops wouldn’t do anything “because of his breed”. Theft is theft, and property is property. She was even able to easily ID the woman she alleged stole her dog out of a public park as this hog o’ cheese:


Whose Facebook page did not do her any favors in diffusing suspicion upon first inspection – because she is selling errr-ythang, and desperately.



I mean, really. Never trust someone from West Warwick, or anywhere in Rhode Island for that matter, who wants to sell you an Iphone AND a kitchen table in the same week. Those are the rules, I don’t make them. Especially if they are desperately dropping the price of a nearly brand-new high-end electronic they simply “bought” and “don’t need anymore”.


If I can deduce she fits the bill for someone who may sell a dog for profit, surely the cops would too? I mean, she sure seems to do some shady shit for cash.


But despite this, the new owner of the dog stepped forward, admitted to buying the dog off Craigslist for $100 from this chick, and offered to return the dog to Pryncess Newport, so I offered to drive the doggo from Rhode Island to Connecticut to reunite with his owner, because I would want the same done for me. Simple, right?

Wrong. Because as the time came for the pickup to happen, all of a sudden, the new owner backed out.

Now, not that I deserve much of a defense here, because my eagerness to help out was stupid as fuck, but let’s remember that up to this point, all I am aware of is that this dog was supposedly stolen over the weekend of March 26th, the woman identified as the thief is two tons of sketchy ghettopig, and the man currently in possession of the dog acknowledges it is the same dog and was purchased from this broad for less than the cost of a television off Craigslist. I’m being told by the original owner the dog is microchipped, registered and licensed to her. Case closed.


So when he abruptly backs out on returning the dog, alarm bells start ringing for me. It makes no sense – why would he step forward only to suddenly change his mind and not return the dog? He wasn’t asking for money. So I start to wonder if the dog is in danger, and urge the owner to send me over the dog license and chip information so I can go to the police and ask for assistance in retrieving the dog, to drive him 2.5 hours away, at my own expense, to reunite him with the family who hasn’t seen him in nearly a week, or so I was told.

I still don’t know what exactly happened here because there are way too many gaps in the story, but I have come to the solid conclusion he wasn’t in any danger. Not from his new owners.

I end up finding an expired dog license, and an impound sheet from 2017. Turns out Bronx was abandoned in an apartment in October 2017, and retrieved from impound 2 days later. When I questioned her about this, she said she was returning to the apartment to feed him and let him out – but that’s looking pretty dubious at this point. Because she said a lot of shit that turned out to be plainly untrue. For instance, that she contacted the police and reported Bronx stolen.


Then there’s the reason the new owner was refusing to return the dog. Turns out he was asking for the microchip number to match up with the number they had gotten from the vet, because he got a bad vibe from the fact that this broad started getting evasive about every single question they asked. And the vet had run him over $1500 by this point, because he got the dog in pretty bad shape, as if he had been abused and neglected, with patches on his fur, trauma to his tail, malnourished, and some seriously poorly cropped ears.

All this damage this poor pup suffered in just in 4 days separated from his owner? Well, no – because the biggest lie here is how long the dog had been out of her care. She says Bronx was stolen that weekend in her post, but David bought the dog in January, a full 2 months prior to Pryncess Foodstamps claiming he was “stolen”.

And the dog was last registered in New York, where this chick is allegedly originally from. I don’t even know if she is the same woman listed on the expired license at this point, none of this makes sense. But if you’ll remember, Randye also lists herself as originating from New York.

Weird. But at the end of the day, David has the vet bills, and all the receipts to back up what he’s saying, the hoodratchet does not. I should have checked this out before spending an entire Saturday running around trying to get this dog from him.

So thankfully the dog hasn’t changed hands, but more keeps coming out that makes me into a huge asshole who should’ve stopped and thought about this before volunteering to transport a strange dog across state lines for a stranger who takes dog filtered selfies in Nike gear. This goes against everything I preach and for that I am sorry – it was a momentary lapse in judgement prompted by kindness – it will never happen again.

Threatening the guy with the dog online instead of just, I don’t know, contacting the police herself didn’t help much to make her look great, either.


The cincher had to be, of course, the $5,000 GoFundMe that popped up by the end of the day on Saturday.




Well, fuck me. Guilty, your honor. I’m a fucking moron.

At least the dog appears to be in a good home now, anyway.

If me feeling like the stupidest piece of shit on the internet while nursing a stress migraine is the worst outcome that happens, I’d call it a pretty good day. I’ve learned my lesson from hereon out – never trust a chick who starts substituting vowels in her alias, it won’t end well, no matter how solid her side of the story may initially appear. And at least when you hit the “donate” button you know that you’re supporting my stupid albeit well-meaning ass going around trying to help strangers at a major inconvenience to myself – I’ll just check with you guys first next time.



39 Comment(s)
  • don
    April 3, 2019 at 3:33 pm

    thats why i consider myself different from the rest. I dont trust anyone until they prove they can be trusted. im an asshole to everyone until they gain my trust. before i can trust them, i look at them as they are trying to steal or scamming me. i stick with my small circle of friends. its much less dramatic. there were probably people that really needed my help but the other 50 people that screwed me over took its toll.

  • Sue R.R
    April 3, 2019 at 11:35 am

    Anyone with a heart would have done the same thing.
    Sometimes we try to do a Good deed and it backfires especially when a matter like this tugs at the heartstrings.
    I am an investigative Journalist and I fear even I would have made the same mistakes do to the fact that I Love my dogs and treat them as children.
    Anyone who has ever known the heartbreak of loosing a dog can understand.

  • Thanks
    April 3, 2019 at 8:32 am

    I just want to note that lately I have not been able to read the screen shot posts from Facebook on any of the articles and its starting to drive me nuts. The txt comes out looking like its size 2 font. Just wanted to let ya know a loyal turtle rider cant read all the content. Still love ya!

    • randiguy2006
      Randall Guy
      April 3, 2019 at 10:52 am

      You’re really not missing much

    • TurtleBittttch
      April 4, 2019 at 9:29 am

      I’ve also had trouble reading screenshots here for the last week or 2. Some are perfectly clear, and the rest is extremely blurry. Looks wicked blurry and sometimes if I look at it from the right distance I can make out enough to get the gist of what’s going on lol.

  • Shawn Silvia
    New age dog owners are whacked out of their minds
    April 3, 2019 at 4:36 am

    It’s ok Bristol, you and SSTG are the dumb Hillary supporters we like to keep around for the laughs.

  • Bret
    April 2, 2019 at 10:38 pm

    She got tricked because she likes dogs, big fuckin deal. At least she admits it. Shit happens
    You cockfarts talking shit can’t even write out good insults, so pipe the fuck down.
    Submit a blog then if you’re better.
    That’s what I thought

  • Noseface
    April 2, 2019 at 9:26 pm

    Jesus H. Christ that was excruciating to get through. All those blurry screenshots and endless babble. Just a poorly written, piece of shit article that makes little to sense. 5 minutes of my life I’ll never have back.

  • bleh
    April 2, 2019 at 9:03 pm

    Holy cow this article was awful.

  • Hambone
    April 2, 2019 at 8:39 pm

    Ever wonder why someone would think it’s good parenting to keep one of these wrecking machines as a pet around small children? “Screw a beagle or yorkie, honey, let’s get an 85 pound pit bull off facebook and let our 2 year old smack it with hot wheels!”

  • The Name Game
    April 2, 2019 at 7:31 pm

    Every experience is a life learning lesson. I can’t blame you for trying to help. I’ m a dog person. And a “runner” (more “hobby jogger”). I will stop in the middle of a run, even a race, to get me some canine energy. Don’t apologize for compassion, you’re a great human, Bristol,, keep blogging.

    Besides, you found more ratchets for us to mock: Cryin’ “Pryin’ Cess”-pool and “Randyelynne?” Is that like running with scissors, only making a cellphone call, i.e., “Ran Dialin’?”

  • WeRFucked
    April 2, 2019 at 7:24 pm

    Those of us who read TBS on our work PC’s can’t read the small screen caps, so it makes reading this blog impossible.

    • change your font or something
      April 2, 2019 at 10:12 pm

      exactly! I keep trying to read on the computer and can’t see a damn thing. I’m giving up.

    • Dixie Normous
      April 3, 2019 at 7:52 pm

      Can’t read it on a phone either

  • Fuck you and your dog
    April 2, 2019 at 6:46 pm

    To be honest, I’m done with all these dog blogs. They’re useless, boring and really expose how fucked in the head dog people really are. I think most dogs suck and the owners suck too. Theres very few well behaved dogs because most people don’t want to put in the time to learn how to train their dogs. They’re mostly a nuisance with all the fucking non stop barking. I love every dog owner is like, oh he doesn’t bark much! Or, oh never pisses in the house! Yea and the fucking dog is spazzing out at every vehicle or person going by the house meanwhile the rugs are covered in dried piss and the hardwood floors are piss stained. Even better is when you see the dogs in cars at the grocery store barking their nuts off and its mostly the little yappers although occasionally the 120lb pit bull mix needs to go for a ride and cause a commotion. Fuck em all I say

    • Get a Grip, Toolbox
      April 3, 2019 at 7:24 am

      Show me on the doll where the mean doggy touched you.

      You seem to have some significant anger issues. Maybe an emotional support dog would help you be less of an angry fuckhead.

  • Harry Richard
    April 2, 2019 at 6:40 pm

    This is the worst case of virtue signaling I’ve had the displeasure of reading.

  • Mark Berry
    Georgia Madman
    April 2, 2019 at 6:23 pm

    Let your experience be a lesson to us all. Stick with established rescues.

    • Betty Ford
      April 2, 2019 at 10:19 pm

      ….or better yet DONT go to the ‘rescues’, and go to the ASPCA, the ones who really need a home. The rescues are the new doggie mills, and it boggles my mind few get this.

  • Kim
    April 2, 2019 at 6:20 pm

    I saw this post going around Facebook and honestly I shared it. I didn’t see any reason for her to make it up. Crazy the shit people will do. I noticed its been deleted….I wonder why she wanted the dog back?
    And 5 grand for a dog? What is this lady smoking?

  • Confused
    April 2, 2019 at 6:16 pm

    I have to say, I was pretty convinced Bristol was AK’s female alter ego inner diva come to play….but AK would never refer to himself as “stupid” or possessing “inner ratchet”. Nor would he admit to expending any effort on something that didn’t end with heroism and a parade
    Now I’m just trying to figure out if this is a real person with an actual soul, or if Uncle Turtleboy has gotten better at pretending to be a real human woman. I find it hard to believe anyone would actually write for him. But equally as hard to believe he could bring himself to admitting any faults to himself, let alone an audience. Someone clear this up for me!

    • Bret
      April 3, 2019 at 9:37 am

      Bristol being on Live with me and Unk kills that theory foo. She’s Bristol, Unk is Unk…lol
      And Unk has removed blogs and explained why before, so the comparison isn’t very fair either.
      She might be brisk, but she’s our cunt.
      She’s just a hate filled little ray of sunshine!

  • Give A Rape Victim A Throat Punch
    April 2, 2019 at 6:08 pm

    SLAVE RAPE!!!!!

    April 2, 2019 at 6:08 pm


  • Lonely Fatty Alert
    April 2, 2019 at 5:35 pm

    Only desperate lonely fat girls spend their weekends trolling Facebook in search of dogs or cats to rescue so they can brag to their Facebook friends about what a hero they are.

    • Salty Are You?
      April 2, 2019 at 5:45 pm

      And you’re probably the same doosh who will complain about no humility in the next blog so move along
      I guess if TB was trying to be a hero he would’ve just quietly moved on after he figured out the story was BS
      Continue the hate, though, i think we can tell whos fat and lonely here

    • STFU
      April 2, 2019 at 6:13 pm

      Quit parking in Charbuck’s handi spaces you bloated seal.

  • On and on
    April 2, 2019 at 5:07 pm

    I seriously hope this weekend recap with ratchet Bristol doesn’t become a regular thing.
    Have you considered going back to writing opinion pieces for the Hyannis Piping Plover?

  • Karma Bus
    Ratchetsaurous Rex
    April 2, 2019 at 4:40 pm

    Still love you girl! Thank goodness something shady did catch your eye!

    • bleh
      April 2, 2019 at 9:07 pm

      “Thank goodness something shady did catch your eye!” …finally, and that you wrote in excruciating detail about it, and provided lots of thumbnails from FB posts, too…


  • Well, No Shit
    April 2, 2019 at 4:36 pm

    Compassion for helpless creatures can make people do irrational things.

    Don’t sweat it. Learn from it and move on. 😉

    • Veggie Cowgirl
      April 2, 2019 at 6:23 pm

      Well said. I totally agree.
      The intention was definitely admirable. I probably would’ve tried to help too.
      I personally appreciate the effort you made to help the dog.
      In the end, it sounds like the dog has a much better home and is well taken care of now.
      People who harm/neglect/abandon an innocent animal should be tarred and feathered.
      I also enjoyed the piece!

  • randiguy2006
    Randall Guy
    April 2, 2019 at 4:32 pm

    You got alot of spare time.

    • April 2, 2019 at 4:39 pm

      Says the guy who comments on Every.Single.Blog.We.Write. Don’t worry Randall, I don’t judge you. You’re special and I appreciate you.

      • WeRFucked
        April 2, 2019 at 9:02 pm

        BT…seriously… I can’t read the blog with those tiny screen caps. HELP!

        • April 2, 2019 at 9:14 pm

          Sorry about that – I enlarged them!

      • randiguy2006
        Randall Guy
        April 3, 2019 at 10:50 am

        Yeah its so time consuming to comment. I do it taking a dump.

        What are you wearing?

        • Arch Stanton
          Al Swearingen
          April 3, 2019 at 9:14 pm

          You ARE a fucking dump you fucking spooge of slug. Fuck you Randall!!! You fucking cocksucker.

    • Randall Guy's Big Fat Momma
      April 2, 2019 at 5:33 pm

      And you’re wasting mine, now get back suckin’ you degenerate.

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