Letting Seals Stay In Cape Cod To Be Shark Bait Is Like Throwing Trash On Your Lawn And Whining About Bears, Time To Start Hunting Sharks And Seals

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Every year around this time we publish our annual “fuck the sharks blog” in response to the pro-shark morons. I view sharks the same way I view coyotes. They can live anywhere they want and be themselves, but if they come close to us they die. End of story. The ocean is big. Sharks can live anywhere in it. If they choose to come to Cape Cod they’re just being assholes. We got dibs on Cape Cod. It’s bad enough there are junkies all over Cape Cod trying to kill people. Our only refuge is the water, and it must be shark free.

Unfortunately it’s not because of these useless animals….

Allowing seals to swim in our beach areas is like dumping trash on your front lawn and acting surprised when a bear shows up. They can go up to Nova Scotia where no one lives and no one swims. Or Maine. Nothing matters in Maine. But Massachusetts is a real state with real beaches and people who want to swim. And these animals only exist for one purpose – to be shark bait. Get rid of the seals and you will get rid of the sharks.

But of course the nature patrol will tell us we can’t do that. Even though we won the Darwinism sweepstakes they will tell you that this is “their home.” Wrong. Does a pack of coyotes come across a fox den and say, “we can’t live here because it belongs to a fox family?” Nope. They eat the foxes and then it becomes their home. That’s how nature works. We are the best, we are most fit to survive, we get first dibs on the best beaches.

This week in Truro a dude got bit by a shark:

That’s it. That’s all I need to hear. Kill them all. We should have people on helicopters patrolling the waters shooting sharks with machine guns. They’ll get the message and move on. Then we tell the seals that they need to pack up and leave or they can get some too. There are no squatter’s rights or eviction process like New England ratchets gets either. It’s leave right now or die. Whatever they prefer.

Then in PTown this happened on Thursday….

I don’t know who the woman is filming that, but based on her commentary there’s a 99.9% chance she was holding a Dunkin Donuts medium iced coffee with a turbo shot while recording.

That stupid seal wanted to play near the humans and brought a shark to the neighborhood who devoured him. We have towns in this state who won’t let you open weed shops because of the crowd they think it will bring, but they have no problems with allowing seals to open up shop here despite the crowd that they bring. Makes sense.

This happened like 20 feet from shore in water that probably isn’t even above your head. Once again, that’s our property. The sharks and seals can go play in mile deep water in international waters. If they choose to do that here they both die.

Of course it always ends up with comments like this….

“This is nature. We live in their habitat.”

Wrong. They live in our habitat. Time to leave.

Then there’s this….

Paid off? There’s 15 foot man eaters looking for lunch around small children trying to cool off on a hot summer day. I cannot wait until this chick gets eaten by a shark.

The bottom line is sharks are cool, and I don’t mind that they exist in nature. But they just need to stay in the wilderness and do their own thing while we do our own thing. Failure to follow these rules will result in extermination. We make the rules because we’re #1.

27 Comment(s)
  • LW
    September 16, 2018 at 10:06 pm

    This story was just one stupid comment after another. Seriously.

    “We’re talking about building walls on the Mexican border, but everyone’s cool with a shark infestation by sea. Even though sharks don’t pick grapes or clean hotel rooms. Makes sense.”—Gee, that’s not racist or anything.

    “Sharks can live anywhere in it. If they choose to come to Cape Cod they’re just being assholes. We got dibs on Cape Cod.” —Ok, YOU take on the shark. JUST YOU.

    “Nothing matters in Maine. But Massachusetts is a real state with real beaches and people who want to swim.”—Massachusetts is a cess pool.

    “Does a pack of coyotes come across a fox den and say, “we can’t live here because it belongs to a fox family?” Nope. They eat the foxes and then it becomes their home.”—I think that’s exactly how the sharks feel.

    “We are the best, we are most fit to survive, we get first dibs on the best beaches.”—Again, take it up with the shark….JUST YOU.

    “We have towns in this state who won’t let you open weed shops because of the crowd they think it will bring, but they have no problems with allowing seals to open up shop here despite the crowd that they bring. Makes sense.”—Ever notice how EVERYONE all of a sudden has ailments requiring a medical mj card now. Coincidence? Medical MJ is supposed to be for people SUFFERING…not people who have fake “anxiety.”

    “I cannot wait until this chick gets eaten by a shark.”—-Nice. Maybe she can’t wait til your mother dies.

  • Henry Fool
    September 16, 2018 at 8:07 am

    Darwinism is about adaptation, and which species can adapt to a changing environment, which is what sharks are doing. When i fished out of Chatham 40 years ago there were sharks of all kinds around, including Great Whites. Why not let them kill these seals, they (the seals) are huge fuckers and i doubt that Mackerel sharks could do the job. I guess i’m an idiot for defending them, but tourists suck and do more damage than sharks. 50 plus years ago, as a yute, i would go down to the cranberry bog to watch coyotes teach their pups to hunt. People think that because their habitat has been wiped out that there are more, now, but i have my doubts. They are simply Darwinists trying to adapt. The fat fucks that hunt them with trail cams, night-vision, etc., are not adapting, but are simply human losers. Its called an opinion.

  • Mr. Nuttasit Keawcham
    August 19, 2018 at 8:30 pm

    Finally a second use for a chick with a voice like a leaf blower “GET OUTTA THE WATTA!!!!”

  • Revrun Fishknuckle
    August 19, 2018 at 5:36 am

    Serially though, I just saw a thing on Nat Geo Channel last night about Orcas offing the Great Whites and eating their livers. No mention of Fava Beans or Chianti..

  • Revrun Fishknuckle
    August 19, 2018 at 5:28 am

    Save the whales, shoot the seals..

  • Turtleboydoesnt know it all
    August 18, 2018 at 10:59 pm

    This is the most ignorant shit Turtleboy had wrote. What a fucken idiot. Have you ever heard of the eco system. No assward water is not ours stupid! Sharks serve a purpose go educate yourself.

  • lame as fuck
    August 18, 2018 at 8:55 pm

    Weak attempt at being controversial, article is just plain dumb. Not offended by it, it’s just stupid, kind of garbage a middle schooler would come up with.

  • TJB
    August 18, 2018 at 7:25 pm

    When a shark is hungry, he doesn’t care if its a tasty seal, or the leg of some transgender cross dressing Chlamydia Cape Cod beachgoers. I say let them have their fill of the fruitloops from Provincetown.

  • suckittrebek
    August 18, 2018 at 5:57 pm

    if only they could climb up on land and eat some of the heroin addicts on the cape.

    • Hughbo Mont
      August 19, 2018 at 5:39 am

      Put free heroin and K2 on rafts off shore at dawn and dusk and give the ratchets surf boards to paddle out and get it.

      • Feed a Shark Save a Seal
        August 19, 2018 at 9:17 am

        Hughbo Mon… Genius! Frigging genius!

        A small floating island in Great White territory. Teaky torches lite-up at sunset, rap music blaring across the water mixed with heavy pot smoke, multi colored lights and strobes, empty park benches and holographic dancers, stacks of fake cash and free iPhones. Heroin, weed, oxies, alcohol, ambient all for the taking, just one catch you have to swim to Junkie Island.

        We can all pitch in and run fleets of busses filled one way from Worcester to the cape, other ratchet communities are welcome to do the same. Those that don’t make the swim will be given participation trophies of bath salts and pcp laced weed and machetes so they will swim one way or another when high tide comes.

  • Fauw
    August 18, 2018 at 4:35 pm

    What an AWFUL article. Give up. If someone came in your kitchen you’d probably shoot them. Well, you’re in the Shark’s kitchen.

    Also, Maine is 100x more the vacation spot than Massachusetts. Nice effort.

  • Rockets Redglare
    August 18, 2018 at 3:57 pm

    The earth is 70% water. If we kill a few sharks who gives a shit. If they have trouble reproducing tough shit. Not smart enogh to fuck die. I like eating Mako, used to see it in supermarkets all the time. Not so much anymore. Someone is going to die by shark on the outer Cape. Hopefully it’s some speedo wearing Quebe…

    • Frenchies never get it
      August 19, 2018 at 9:32 am

      Ha ha ha ha,.. right on man. Worst thing about Hampton used to be the Frenchies bending over in their thong speedos, every American on the beach pointing and laughing. Now it’s a ratchet paradise. Mako is a delicatessen problem is a lot of those sharks accumulate poisons in their meat like mercury. Never eat a fish taco in Mexico all have high levels of some kind of cancer chemicals. Some show went down there and tested fish tacos from all over Mexico, Pacific side, food was poisonous like the rest of Mehico.

  • Tyrone Shoelaces
    August 18, 2018 at 3:32 pm

    Shahks ah wicked pissah… touhists eating shahks ah wicked pissahah

  • Roger
    August 18, 2018 at 2:39 pm

    I usually agree with everything on Turtleboy. But this is the only time I’ve had to disagree. Animals are animals. They shouldn’t be removed because people wanna play in the ocean.  It’s the ocean….enter at your own risk.  

  • Maggie the Cat
    August 18, 2018 at 1:41 pm

    I used to go to the Cape often, to swim where the water is slightly warmer than at Hampton. It’s no longer safe to swim there, so I don’t go. The shark situation will be solved only when businesses on the Cape realize that they are losing money because people are afraid to go swimming there. They’ve certainly lost my money! For those who suggest Hampton — well, the water there hasn’t gotten any warmer, and the quality of the beachgoers has declined, so I don’t go there either. The money I might have spent going to either place will be spent on a nice above ground pool for my own back yard.

    • Roger
      August 19, 2018 at 7:57 am

      I would rather pay to see the sharks and seals, than to pay to park at a beach to cram myself between 2 fat people on the only chunk of sand left available….and it’s only there because some seagulls just finished cleaning up the trash that covered it by another shitty fat couple.  So ya, keep up the good work sharks! ..I might be able to make it up to Hyannis in under an hour one day.   Because life goals 

      • Shark Tourism
        August 19, 2018 at 9:20 am

        Definitely man, would go to the Cape just to see the sharks. Forget whale watching I do that every day with stretch pants hippos in Woostah. Shark watch tour would be awesome, I’d do it from the beach with binoculars no loud mouth tour guide on a PA system explaining what a shark is. I know what the fuck a shark is, watched shark-week 20 years nows.

  • Stupid fumb duck
    August 18, 2018 at 1:25 pm

    Stupidest thing I have ever read. Hands down.

    Additionally, you can’t even get past the headline without having grammatical or content errors.

    SJW = SDF

    • Brian Albrecht
      August 18, 2018 at 9:44 pm

      Maggie you dumb bitch, I’m speaking for every single reader of this garbage website when I say this. SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AND DONT EVER FUCKING THINK ABOUT OPENING IT AGAIN. fucking cunt
      #UR A HOE

      • XXX
        September 17, 2018 at 12:58 pm

        You fucking pussy. If you ever called a woman a cunt in front of me, I’d give you the near death beating you’ve been asking for since day one. Weymouth faggot. I’m thinking of making you a personal project so I can shut you up forever.

  • Great White Hope
    August 18, 2018 at 12:57 pm

    If you went running next to a group of lions, you would be attacked and killed 100% of the time you did it. Yet people swim with sharks everyday; in the shark’s natural habitat, and statistically shark attacks are extremely rare and almost never fatal. But we have to go kill all the sharks now so a bunch of shit fucks can feel safe at the beach? Fuck you. Sharks are essential to the ecosystem, pruning off the sick and weak, keeping animals like seals from over-populating, and keeping life in the ocean strong. They have a hard time reproducing which is why they don’t dominate every inch of the ocean. The Chinese kill these things by the thousands to make shark fin soup, already decimating their population. By all means, let’s kill the few that are left so Fatty McFetenyl can feel safe at the beach.

  • First Time Caller
    August 18, 2018 at 12:09 pm

    You dumbass. The seals were here before you. You dont lije them here? Catch them all and put them in your bathtub, uou fucking retard
    Thinking you’re all Marlon Perkins, Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom

  • Ace
    August 18, 2018 at 11:57 am

    I wish more seals and sharks would come, so more people would get eaten on the cape. There is way too many people on the cape as it is now.

    • Akihito
      August 18, 2018 at 2:19 pm

      They make good soup!

  • Brian Albrecht
    August 18, 2018 at 11:45 am

    What a retarded fucking take. YOU’RE SO COOL SJW HUNTER! The sad part is the rest of those fucking Worcester mouth breathers probably actually think you’re that cool. You’re all trashy pieces of shit. Stay in the cesspool that is western mass and you wont have to worry about sharks you dumb fucks. Not like any of you pussies go to the cape anyway. Probably couldn’t afford the gas. See you pussies later, going to do something a little more wealthy with my time. Maybe i’ll donate to turtleboy so that scumbag Bret Killoran can buy another 40 bag of dope.

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