Sports

Local Boobs Eric Adams, Mike Catuogno Defend Jonny Gomes’ Honor, Say Really, Really Dumb Things In The Process

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.

 

You don’t become the fastest growing family blog in New England without picking up some hecklers along the way. We’ve run afoul of a number of different groups of people since we began six months ago. But recently we’ve been rubbing some people the wrong way by simply pointing out that Jonny Gomes is a terrible baseball player who thinks he’s some kind of X-factor who helps the Boston Red Sox win baseball games. As I write this I just watched Captain Jingo Jonny strike out looking with the bases loaded. Again. And of course he pissed an moaned about it too. Because there’s just no way possible that Jingo Jonny would ever strike out on a hittable pitch. The reaction on Twitter sums it up:

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So yea, anyone who actually watches these games knows that Jonny Gomes is a complete joke. But apparently our blogs about him have struck a nerve with the Boston Strong/pink hat crowd. Some dingleberry from Northampton named Eric Adams is a regular reader and shared his idiotic thoughts….on FACEBOOK!!!!. Check out this gem:

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Moron – Jonny Gomes was at the center of their “brotherhood” because he put himself there. He didn’t actually have much to do with it at all. Don’t get me wrong, he was always there to take the credit. But mostly during games he just struck out a lot and enforced the unwritten rules of baseball. Eric Adams knows a lot about brotherhood though. If these pictures don’t say “brotherhood” then what does?

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And did I read that correctly? The 2013 Red Sox won the World Series because of their “unbreakable bonds” on the diamond? Because I could’ve sworn it had something to do with John Lackey pitching like an All-Star in 2013 after not playing the year before. Or maybe it was Jacoby Ellsbury actually playing an entire season. Or Jon Lester improving his ERA by a full run. Or Koji Uehara having the most dominant season for a closer in the history of MLB. Or getting rid of the worst manager in the history of professional sports. Nah fuck that, it was all Jonny Gomes because he got a Boston Strong tattoo.

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The idea that the 2012 team wasn’t a brotherhood is also idiotic. They had great camaraderie on that team. The problem was that the big brother was Josh Beckett and all of the younger brothers thought he was cool so they followed his lead.

Eric Adams wasn’t finished though…

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Is this the most hilarious thing you’ve ever read in your life? I know I’ve never seen something that has made me laugh that hard before. Jonny Gomes is a “warrior who would take a bullet for any of his teammates.” That statement right there is so hilariously moronic that it was borderline orgasmic. Literally almost fell off my magical turtle laughing when I saw that one. Good thing Jonny’s around to jump in front of all those bullets that people are shooting at the good players. Jingo Jonny gets right back up and goes about his business after getting shot too. Fucking warrior right there.

Eric Adams kept the hot takes coming too…

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First of all, we won a weekend flag football tournament at UMass back in ought two, so I know all about competitive sports. But yea, Jingo Jonny sure is passionate and loyal towards his team. I mean, doesn’t he have to be? If he doesn’t pull these stunts won’t the Red Sox notice that he’s a .230 hitting strikeout machine who can’t play defense? Luckily for us Eric Adams DID play competitive sports growing up. After pitching for Northampton High School he ended up on the UMass baseball team. Well, at least that’s what it said on his bio:

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The problem is that we researched Eric Adams’ career stats at UMass and it turns out he never played in a single game. So it’s pretty clear here that Eric loves guys like Jonny Gomes because that’s basically the role he plays on “competitive” teams like the 14-31 UMass baseball team. He is the ra-ra guy that everyone likes to have around, but doesn’t really make a difference at all. He’s obviously convinced himself that players like this are not only valuable – they are an indispensable cog for a championship team.

Check out his career plans:

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When I grow up, I wanna be a professional baseball player!! I remember I used to say that when I was seven years old too. This guy’s 23 though. But hey, I’m sure there’s plenty of minor league baseball teams who are looking for a guy with no stats due to the fact that he never played in a single game.

He had a couple more closing thoughts…
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LOL. I feel bad for Eric Adams. He’s just such a dumbass that you have to empathize with him. Yea, we were all going NUTS when Jingo Jonny unnecessarily slid into home plate. We were literally high fiving each other and yelling “Boston Strong.” Sure he could’ve just stepped on the plate and celebrated. But warriors don’t just step on home plate. They slide when they don’t have to.

Finally he had one last message for us….

 

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Yea, we’ve never been part of a real “brotherhood.” I mean, I spent six years in a foster home, but those weren’t my real brothers. Eric Adams knows all about brotherhood though. After all, he was UMass baseball’s official cheerleader for the last four years.

So one of Eric’s dolt friends name Mike Catuogno apparently saw this conversation and for whatever reason decided it would be a good idea to message me to put me in place. It went, terribly, terribly wrong.

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So let me get this straight – I don’t know shit about sports because….I don’t know shit about sports? Got it. What specifically do I not know?

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Step 1 – Message TurtleBoy Sports to tell him he doesn’t know anything about sports.

Step 2 – In your first sentence point out there is a salary cap in MLB, which doesn’t exist.

Step 3 – Keep writing about how the nonexistent salary cap is the reason why you need guys like Jingo Jonny instead of MVP Miguel Cabrera.

Step 4 – Mention how Jingo Jonny is “clutch,” while ignoring his career .143 average and 3 to 1 K/BB ratio in the postseason.

Step 5 – Mention how Jingo Jonny is a good price, despite the fact that his $5 million salary was 10 times Daniel Nava’s salary last year, and resulted in a batting average 70 points lower.

Step 6 – Mention how Jonny Gomes is a good teammate, because Jonny Gomes never misses an opportunity to remind the fans that he’s an invaluable teammate.

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Step 7 – Keep insisting that TurtleBoy doesn’t know anything about baseball while in the same sentence readily admit that you don’t even like baseball.

Step 8 – Insist that you know more about baseball than TurtleBoy despite still believing there is a salary cap in MLB.

This poor, poor guy. He’s just like Jingo Jonny – can’t shut up. He can’t help himself. I don’t think I have the heart to tell this guy that the reason the Red Sox and Yankees are almost always good, while the Astros and Royals usually suck is that MLB doesn’t have a salary cap. I mean, dude, fucking Moneyball was nominated for best picture a little over a year ago. The entire premise of that movie is based upon the undeniable fact that MLB does NOT have a salary cap. I tried pointing this out to him, but it just made it worse…

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That’s a hard “r” right there brotha. TurtleBoy Sports is a family blog so we frown upon that type of phraseology. I don’t know what’s worse – using that word in a degrading fashion, or using that word in attempt to call me dumb for pointing out something that is pretty common knowledge in the sports world. Luckily for him he began to do an about face…

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Yea like he said, he doesn’t like baseball. That’s not stopping him from lecturing me about it though. When all else fails though, just revert back to the “you don’t know shit about sports” argument…

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If that doesn’t work then you’ve gotta change up your plan of attack…

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This guy was on an absolute roll obviously. The thing is he contacted me in defense of his buddy Eric Adams, yet just like the rest of civilized society he thought that the “Jonny would take a bullet” comment was pretty moronic…

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Ouch. Eric Adams, I know you’re reading this brosheim. That’s gotta hurt coming from your boy Mike Catuogno. Even this dolt thinks your comment was a strong “r”. By the end he was just running out of things to say though…

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Finally I told him he’d be the feature of a new blog. Not surprisingly he was not at all embarrassed about it….

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Totally bros. Any publicity IS good publicity. Just ask Jonny Gomes.

Just like his boy Eric Adams (if they’re still friends after this), Mike Catuogno was quite the team player growing up. The problem was he wasn’t very good at his “sport” of wrestling.

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Dude, you got pinned by a guy named Billy Os. How’d you do in the back WRASTLING tournament?

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Ouch. First round loss to a guy who lost in the next round. Lasted all of 1:17. But I’m sure camaraderie you brought to the WRASTLING clubhouse was invaluable.

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Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation gong.

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.

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