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Here’s a fun headline from the Turtlegram:
Nothing to see here. It’s a couple days before Thanksgiving and they just wanted to get a head start on stuffing the turkey.
Genuinely shocked this didn’t happen in Webster. Brookfield is a sneaky dump though. People forget about it because it’s in between Ware, Southbridge, and Spencer. And when you’re that close to those three places, you’re bound to look good in comparison. But take a drive down Route 9 some day and you’ll see Brookfield in all its splendor:
Yet somehow these two geniuses Sam Onorato and Shannon Bowser saw all these abandoned buildings and run down homes and thought to themselves, “this would be a great place to fuck.” Next thing you know they’re churning the butter right then and there. And they didn’t even go down a side road or anything. They were within 100 feet of Brookfield Elementary School, which of course is right on Main Street in the center of town. Sounds like one hell of a romantic night these two lovebirds had.
Here’s my question – how the hell did they end up in Brookfield? It’s not exactly a place you end up in on accident. He’s from Shrewsbury and she’s from Hudson. That’s not exactly on the way either. You don’t get off on the wrong exit of 290 and end up in downtown Brookfield. They obviously scouted this area out and found out this was the best possible spot to roast the ol’ broomstick.
These two had to realize they were gonna get caught right? I mean, multiple people saw them in a town that can’t have more than a couple thousand people. I have to say, I am kind of impressed by his stamina though. Think of the timeframe here. Not one, but two people saw them boning. They both call the cops. Then the cops have to drive there and break it up. MIDTHRUST mind you!! That’s 15 minutes minimum. AND it was freezing cold outside and the guy could still perform. Hats off to you buddy.
The police report was the best part:
“Sam and Shannon are also being charged with disturbing the peace due to the fact that intercourse in public tends to annoy all good citizens and it did in fact disturb multiple people.”
It’s true. I consider myself a good citizen, and when I drive down the street and see two people doing the kilbasa challenge, the first thing I think is, “that’s annoying.” Although if this happened in Webster a bunch of people probably would’ve set up lawn chairs, started eating popcorn, and cheered them on.
Oh yea, and they both had outstanding warrants. Because…..of course they did. All I know is, if you have outstanding warrants then the last thing you should be doing is burying the bone in the backyard on Main Street in Brookfield.
Obviously the first thing we had to do was check out their Facebook pages. Sam doesn’t have much going on, but this appears to be him:
There’s another guy in the profile picture, but…..yea, we think this is him. (if it’s not then it’s then we’ll fix it)
It’s not his fault though:
True that. Sometimes you’re just minding your own business, not breaking the law. The next minute you realize your cucumber is buried in pickle brine. Shit happens.
Oh, and this is awkward:
One day you’re sharing Turtleboy articles, the next day you’re the main character.
I can’t say I blame Sam though. Shannon Bowser is one prim looking star gazer. She’s got the whole sexy teacher look going on:
And the airbags are fully deployed:
Plus she blew a .246. Do you realize how drunk that is? You couple those funbags with that much booze and Brookfield Elementary School and you’re bound to end up with public fornication. That’s just science.
But as of last Pearl Harbor Day, Shannon had a different boyfriend named Drew:
Maybe that’s why they went to Brookfield? Who knows. All I’m saying is, A+ for effort, but D- for planning and execution.
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