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Mondays are always tough, but they can be so much worse during the summer. After a weekend spent grilling, swimming, or otherwise enjoying the nice weather with family and friends, you have to put on your work clothes and drag yourself to a job that you most likely hate.
Well, nothing cures a case of the Mondays like a video reminder of why you’re better off than anyone who lives in Lowell. So while you’re grinding away thanklessly in the never-ending rat race today, please enjoy this affirmation that at least you’re not any of these grimy fucks:
In most cities this would be unusual, but in Lowell it’s just a regular Saturday afternoon. Let’s look at the play by play:
Here we have The Blue Buffalo squaring off against the Crimson Crackhead. I’m not sure what they’re discussing, exactly. Perhaps B.B. is upset because C.C checked out the last copy of A Tale of Two Cities. The world’s most lackluster gang fight? The world may never know.
To his credit, Crimson Crackhead knows he’s at a major disadvantage. He’s no match for Blue Buffalo’s steady diet of Twinkies, Red Bull, and WWE highlight videos. An onlooker encourages them to begin the fisticuffs, to which C.C replies in frustration, “look how big that ni**a is, though!” He knows that he’s in trouble.
He tries to maintain his distance from Blue Buffalo, who is staring at him like an all you can eat buffet. C.C exclaims, “I don’t know what the fuck… What you want to do, ni**a!?”
Blue replies, “I want to fight. Put the bottle down.”
In a last ditch effort to escape the fight, Red pleads with a shirtless bystander. “He’s mad cuz his girl… Cuz his girl…” (Of course it has something to do with a girl)
Blue seizes upon this momentary distraction to finally get his hands on Red, but as they spin around, it appears as though the shirtless bystander is going to jump in and help Red even the odds a bit. From off camera we hear a female voice repeatedly shouting, “Michael!”
Michael’s mom comes charging in, still clad in her nurse’s CNA’s scrubs, and pulls Shirtless Mike from the fight. “Stay out of it before I kick your ass!”
So we might have a round 2 on our hands here, if Michael doesn’t sit the fuck down and listed to Mama Parliment Light 100s stern warning. Luckily for him, he does. That is the voice of a woman tired of your shit.
The Crimson Crackhead is on his own. This might spell disaster for him.
Luckily, a Janet Jackson style wardrobe malfunction causes Blue Buffalo’s shorts to fall down and he loses his balance, and just like that, it’s a full moon over crackhead corner in Lowell.
They both go for a tumble that is pure poetry in motion and regain their feet.
Red shouts angrily in Spanish. I believe it translates to, “we should really discuss our differences over a nice glass of brandy.”
Either that or, “I’m going to grab that stick and hit you with it.”
My Spanish is a little rusty. As in, I don’t know any fucking Spanish.
Finding himself at a disadvantage for the first time, Blue tries his best to deflect the blows while telling everyone, “I fuckin love it!” He continues to advance, but the hits from ghetto fight saber take their toll and he’s clearly slowed. Red is able to put some distance between them and walk away, still holding his stick for good measure, as Blue Buffalo continues to follow him.
It appears the fight is over, much to the disappointment of the crowd. Now that the drama had passed, it was time for Shirtless Mikey’s mom to spread the love…
…and possibly some hepatitis, given the IV that’s still in her arm.
I’m so glad I don’t live in Lowell. Now, back to work, you fuckin’ animals.