Hoodrat Heroes

Lowell Bum Brawl Breaks Out In Broad Daylight Between Rival Hoodboogers Blue Buffalo And The Crimson Crackhead, Hilarity Ensues


Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information.





Mondays are always tough, but they can be so much worse during the summer. After a weekend spent grilling, swimming, or otherwise enjoying the nice weather with family and friends, you have to put on your work clothes and drag yourself to a job that you most likely hate.

Well, nothing cures a case of the Mondays like a video reminder of why you’re better off than anyone who lives in Lowell. So while you’re grinding away thanklessly in the never-ending rat race today, please enjoy this affirmation that at least you’re not any of these grimy fucks:

In most cities this would be unusual, but in Lowell it’s just a regular Saturday afternoon. Let’s look at the play by play:

Here we have The Blue Buffalo squaring off against the Crimson Crackhead. I’m not sure what they’re discussing, exactly. Perhaps B.B. is upset because C.C checked out the last copy of A Tale of Two Cities. The world’s most lackluster gang fight? The world may never know.

To his credit, Crimson Crackhead knows he’s at a major disadvantage. He’s no match for Blue Buffalo’s steady diet of Twinkies, Red Bull, and WWE highlight videos. An onlooker encourages them to begin the fisticuffs, to which C.C replies in frustration, “look how big that ni**a is, though!” He knows that he’s in trouble.

He tries to maintain his distance from Blue Buffalo, who is staring at him like an all you can eat buffet. C.C exclaims, “I don’t know what the fuck… What you want to do, ni**a!?”

Blue replies, “I want to fight. Put the bottle down.”

Uh oh.

In a last ditch effort to escape the fight, Red pleads with a shirtless bystander. “He’s mad cuz his girl… Cuz his girl…” (Of course it has something to do with a girl)

Blue seizes upon this momentary distraction to finally get his hands on Red, but as they spin around, it appears as though the shirtless bystander is going to jump in and help Red even the odds a bit. From off camera we hear a female voice repeatedly shouting, “Michael!”

Michael’s mom comes charging in, still clad in her nurse’s CNA’s scrubs, and pulls Shirtless Mike from the fight. “Stay out of it before I kick your ass!”

So we might have a round 2 on our hands here, if Michael doesn’t sit the fuck down and listed to Mama Parliment Light 100s stern warning.  Luckily for him, he does. That is the voice of a woman tired of your shit.

The Crimson Crackhead is on his own. This might spell disaster for him.

Luckily, a Janet Jackson style wardrobe malfunction causes Blue Buffalo’s shorts to fall down and he loses his balance, and just like that, it’s a full moon over crackhead corner in Lowell.

They both go for a tumble that is pure poetry in motion and regain their feet.

Red shouts angrily in Spanish. I believe it translates to, “we should really discuss our differences over a nice glass of brandy.”

Either that or, “I’m going to grab that stick and hit you with it.”

My Spanish is a little rusty. As in, I don’t know any fucking Spanish.

Finding himself at a disadvantage for the first time, Blue tries his best to deflect the blows while telling everyone, “I fuckin love it!” He continues to advance, but the hits from ghetto fight saber take their toll and he’s clearly slowed. Red is able to put some distance between them and walk away, still holding his stick for good measure, as Blue Buffalo continues to follow him.

It appears the fight is over, much to the disappointment of the crowd. Now that the drama had passed, it was time for Shirtless Mikey’s mom to spread the love…

…and possibly some hepatitis, given the IV that’s still in her arm.

I’m so glad I don’t live in Lowell. Now, back to work, you fuckin’ animals.

24 Comment(s)
  • Randall Guy’s Mom
    June 25, 2019 at 8:05 pm

    Was that 2 TB riders going at it? Fupas.

  • Gen. William Westmorland
    June 24, 2019 at 8:03 pm

    Bring back napalm!!!

  • Chrome Dynamo
    June 24, 2019 at 7:40 pm

    Bum fights are the low rent version of “Fight Club”, but more fun!

  • Karma Bus
    Ratchetsaurous Rex
    June 24, 2019 at 6:00 pm

    They have quite a fashion going on though. Sporting them construction boots, ya know, in the event a job “pops up”. The “fill-in” Ma, cause their own mom’s hate them. Shirtless Mike & the stanky bunch just all basking away in the hot sun. Must smell spectacular there!

    And I thought I was a Ratchetsaurous?

  • randiguy2006
    Randall Guy
    June 24, 2019 at 5:59 pm

    As usual…again…lack of UPPERCUTS!!!!

    • murdochpatsymcreynolds
      Randall Guy's Dad
      June 24, 2019 at 7:32 pm


  • Sir Wilfred Death
    June 24, 2019 at 5:39 pm

    Neutron bomb. That’s all. Please, Please Please….

    Social Media is Cancer

  • Enough Said
    June 24, 2019 at 3:40 pm


  • z
    June 24, 2019 at 2:59 pm

    That’s not the mom.

    It’s that time of year, when the female of the ratchet species comes into heat.
    Then, you have the dominant male of the troop having to take on all comers on who will get
    to mate with the female. The winner has the strongest genes which will help perpetuate the species.

    I learned that watching National Geographic.

  • Puddintaine
    June 24, 2019 at 2:43 pm

    In the words of the not so immortal Thanks ” you should’ve gone for the head”

    • Puddintaine
      June 24, 2019 at 2:46 pm

      Thanos…friggin autocorrect.

  • hartf811
    June 24, 2019 at 2:37 pm

    I’m going to start giving out $20 to get these ratchets to kill each other off. $20 to the winner. Winner means someone’s dead. I’m going to pay to thin the herd.

    • ncfoothillbilly
      June 25, 2019 at 11:12 am

      You should start a GFM for that.

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    June 24, 2019 at 2:02 pm

    My dear friend, Elder Nathan Phillips, sure would have resolved the situation had he been there.

  • Sick of these Ratchet Fucks
    June 24, 2019 at 1:57 pm

    Ahh summertime memories… Life is good.. I think momma IV could kick all their asses. And all while shed chugging Henny.

    • Rochambeau
      June 24, 2019 at 4:29 pm

      It looks like she was ‘dissatisfied’ from the care at a local ER. I.V.s are usually removed before being released from the ER so that illegal drugs aren’t injected through them. I’d bet she was in ‘intolerable’ pain when she jetted from the ER with her new disposable clothes. Yelled obscenities, complete with finger gestures at the medical staff, probably.

      • Captain Trips
        Captain Trips
        June 24, 2019 at 7:37 pm

        Hopefully the IV will remain in causing sepsis that will put her down soon and save us all another ratchet drain on society

      • Green
        June 25, 2019 at 11:57 pm

        No the best part of this is the “green scrubs” like those are for the ppl being held for psych issues. She aint been discharged 2 hours from her “hold” and she made it on turtleboy. Priceless

      • Aonaöe
        June 26, 2019 at 1:50 pm

        It *looks* like it could be a picc line in that tiny little arm she’s holding out. “Pain Management” can lead some crazy shit but damn if that’s a picc line it seems like a weirdly risky way to administer it. She’s got coat sleeves around her looking like a belt to keep her pants up, so the room was probably cold when she got word that her wonderful crotchfruit was unwisely investing in street drama. Regardless of what she was getting in her picc line at the time she should have kept her appointment, then went to the corner in her regular clothes to help her big dumb son search for his stupid teeth in grass afterwards.

  • JimmyBooms
    June 24, 2019 at 1:56 pm

    Honestly shes a Lowel fuckjng 8 allday

  • Y
    June 24, 2019 at 1:50 pm

    Democrat-run cities are beautiful. Inclusivity is wonderful. Diversity is its strength. Work for thee, not for me.

    • Captain Trips
      Captain Trips
      June 24, 2019 at 7:34 pm

      Well stated Y

  • Lake Flaccid
    June 24, 2019 at 1:49 pm

    • Y
      June 24, 2019 at 1:50 pm

      Solid choice.

Comment on this Post


All-Star Worcester Parents Lay Siege To School Bus, Beat Up Bus Driver, Then Write Magnificent Things On Facebook
Comments From The Worcester Parent Bus Riot Blog Were Borderline Orgasmic
Hot Girl Threatening To Sue Turtleboy Sports Over Busgate, City Council Still Hasn’t Even Mentioned It