Will you animals all calm down and stop being so damn hateful? The hate crime parade these days has got the Turtle staff working overtime, and I’m a lazy bitch.

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Last night, local gash grinder Kelly Gonyer, of anywhere from Malden to Salem, was enjoying a night on the town at The Dockside restaurant in Malden with her cooch comrade du jour, Michelle, when all of a sudden…

Wham, bam! Right in the kisser.

She got the pulse beaten out of her after being bullied for rubbing fluffies with Muff Daddy Mich at the bar. It’s a wonder she’s still breathing, what with no pulse! Eyebrows still on fleek though, girl. A+

Something just doesn’t pass the sniff test here. In fact, it reeks of weeks-old lutefisk. After just a tiny bit of research…

Huh.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

Bar fights, warrants, disturbing the peace…

You really think this chick

was sitting at the bar, minding her business, stroking Muff Daddy’s strudel when all of a sudden – BOOM! Bully appears out the cut, ready to take the dynamic duo on in a British Mound Pound, the likes of which New England has never seen. Right-o.

But the masses… well, we all know the virtue signalers can’t help themselves and cream their skinny jeans at the thought of sending out their thoughts, prayers, and disgust for obviously fake “hate crimes.” The cooterade is strong these days:

These very real and definitely happened acts of terrorism cannot stand!

Got it.

It never ceases to amaze me how a complete stranger can write ANYTHING on Facebook and a mob immediately shows up with their “thoughts and prayers,”

Two questions for the mob – 1) Is this outrageous? 2) Is assault OK?

Thank God they cleared that up!

Of course, there were a few people (thank GOD) with brains on the thread. Naturally they were they were called idiots for not joining in the virtue signaling outrage mob

Someone waiting for all the facts after reading this half-ass, contrived story that’s clearly missing some pertinent info? Color me surprised. High five, Alexito, I see you. Come ride the turtle homie, we need more people like you.

But according to our friend Jamal here, it’s actually Kelly and Mich who have a history of threatening gay people….

Huh. Does it make it OK for them to call him a fag ’cause they’ve got a touch of the cocktose intolerance and swing wide? I think not. We’d love to see those screen shots, Jamal, send them in!

The story from here gets fuzzy. Supposedly, this dude had been bothering the donut-bumping duo all evening. How it turned violent, we haven’t been told. However, Muffy indicated in the comments that the unknown assailant had been taken into custody for his “hate crime”

Shortly afterwards her story changed and the perpetrator, who has not been named OR even described, was all of a sudden NOT arrested…

Of course she fed into the hysteria against this business that has nothing but good things to say about her by implicating them for doing “nothing.”

So let me get this straight: The cops didn’t arrest the guy. No one at The Dockside stepped in to help after you were being “bullied” for hours before it turned into a beatdown… and now you’re on the horn to Channel 7 faster than a hoodbooger checking her EBT balance on her Obama phone at 12:01 AM on the first of the month? Curious.

Channel 7 will eat this right up. The whole dog and pony show. They won’t fact check. Because they don’t care. The MSM has an agenda to protect, they want you to believe that racism, homophobia, and misogyny are more prevalent in today’s society than they actually are. They get paid for this shit! This is big bucks stuff, and they don’t care if it’s true or not, but it sells.

And then right on cue….

All this serves to do is bolster these ratchets’ beliefs that they’re special and deserve constant attention – whether it be praise or pity. Doesn’t matter. Attention’s attention when you weren’t hugged enough as a child.

Of course, she couldn’t pass up the chance to take photos of her injuries from varying angles and lighting to post for sympathy likes:

OMG, look who it is in the comments! Disgraced Revere City Councillor-at-Large, Rotund George Rotondo, of ratchet parenting fame. I wrote this blog about his lovely fermented crotch fruit last year, and wound up with death threats from Tubbo in my inbox at any time from 2-5 AM every morning for a month. Seems Georgey-porgey is well connected in the ratchetsphere. Hi George! Miss you, bb. Drop me a line, my inbox has been dry af.

Anyway, the story has garnered quite the attention locally, and you know you’ve officially gone viral when the FREE MOVIE DOWNLOADZZZZ guy shows up in the comments:

As of this afternoon, it’s been shared about a thousand times. A THOUSAND shares for this fake ass shit. But, does the Zuck care about yet another blatant example of fake news? No. It’ll stay up, they’ll have their moment or three in the spotlight, the GoFundMe will inevitably follow, and they’ll be up to their eyeballs in party favors for a month.

Now everyone’s got their pitchforks out for The Dockside, a business that’s been rocking and rolling in Malden for as long as I can remember. Decent, cheap eats, OK atmosphere, and always giving back to the community. And here comes Becky with the bad hair with her totally original way of sticking it to the man for their being “complicit in homophobia:”

Yea, let’s all follow the advice of Chunky Brewster over here.

“I am useless and gay.” This is a Facebook filter she chose. Nuff said.

But by all means, continue to cause harm to this legitimate, taxpaying business simply because you read an unconfirmed anecdote on Facebook.

You’re the good guy here.

The Dockside, being the classy establishment that they are (I mean, the standard is low – this is Malden, remember) issued this statement on the photo in question, and got lambasted by these halfwits for not “doing enough”

Yes, Georgina. Just add LMNOP, too, while you’re at it.

What I want to know is, has anyone take one look at Muff Daddy Mich?

I mean… JUST ONE PEEK?

Mich is on the right in the white dress, if it wasn’t obvious. She’s reminiscent of the WWE’s Chyna before she hit the downward spiral and went kaboom. Chick is STACKED and looks like a Grade A shit stirrer. And from the rumblings we’re hearing around the interwebz… it’s true, she loves to stir the pot in typical ratchet fashion.

Doesn’t help her claims of innocence that she’s also a “reformed” junkbox

Who knows? Maybe this was a methadone melee that got started back in the day at the Malden Center T stop and finished up in the parking lot of the Dockside. There’s no expiration date on junkie beefs, friends.

So what really happened here? I mean, she must’ve gotten hit right? How else does your face get like this?

At the same time, whoever hit her hasn’t been arrested, despite the fact that the cops have been involved and there’s cameras everywhere. When you combine them with what Jamal alleged, plus Kelly’s history of getting into bar fights and running her poon polisher, kind of leads you to believe that she might’ve been the aggressor. What we do know for sure is that a random dude didn’t just sit down at the bar, start calling them lezzies, and then beat the shit out of them simply for being there. The outrage mob is right – this is 2018. And if they were smart they’d realize that this kind of shit doesn’t happen in a liberal city like Malden in 2018.

And I’m just gonna come out and say it – I don’t think Kelly’s a real lezzy. Sorry, not sorry. I’ve seen this a mililon times before. Mich is legit.

Totally down for the cause. She’s what we call a “recruiter.” Lesbians want what straight guys want – hot chicks. That’s why they generally don’t go after women who look like them. This ain’t a lickalotapuss:

That’s an attention whore. I love penis, but even I kind of wanna scissor with her. She gets off on the attention. She’s ratchet, as you can see from the dog filter:

And she likely runs her mouth a lot and gets them into trouble, but Mich puts up with it because beggars can’t be chooser in the lezzy community.

If anyone has more deetz on this fister fracas or any of the involved parties, hit me in my box my inbox at NorthShoreTurtleBabe@gmail.com