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There’s a year old restaurant in Medway called PJ’s Smoke n Grill that makes smoked food using an outdoor smoker. Recently some local boob complained that the smoke and smell which prompted the town to force them to build an enclosure around the smoked with a fire suppression system that will cost $65,000. The owner of the restaurant apparently made a Facebook post on a Facebook group called “Friends of Medway” complaining about the new regulations. It got over 1,000 comments and the mob turned on town administrator Michael Boynton, the board of selectmen, and Fire Chief Jeff Lynch. Fox 25 News did a story on the fiasco here. 

Anyway, this week town hall received a package addressed to “The Board of Selectman” and it was from “Dysfunctional Veterans.” They are a Facebook page with 1.4 million followers that must’ve gotten wind of the story, and wanted to share their opinions with the Board of Selectmen.

Inside the package was a gag bag of candy called “Bag of Dicks.” They are literal candies in the shape of little dicks with a note on the package that reads “eat a bag of dicks.” The town administrator Michael Boynton, decided this was a HUGE deal and contacted Medway’s Chief of Police Allen Tingley, telling him that his female secretary opened the package of dicks and was very distraught. Rumor has it she clutched her pearls so hard they’re permanently imprinted into the palm of her hand.

Since sending this package is not criminal a real Police Chief would’ve told her that he’s sorry and there’s nothing he can do about this. But if they kept sending stuff, perhaps they could file a harassment order.

Not this chief though. He found Dysfunctional Veterans emails and send them this:

As you can see, he wants to speak with someone regarding “the package.”

This would be laughable if it wasn’t real. The Chief of Police actually thinks he can launch a criminal investigation over a bag of womb broom candy sent to town hall. Not just a beat cop either. The chief is doing this. The guy in charge of law and order in Medway. Obviously, this is a VERY pressing issue in Medway.

Anyway, DV did exactly what they should’ve done – mocked him on Facebook and urged people to send more dicks to Medway’s Town Hall:

The post has been shared thousands of times and has tens of thousands of comments, many of which are from people confirming that they sent the town of Medway a delicious bag of yogurt slingers as well.

And this right here is yet another example of why old people should stay off the Internet.

Anyone with even a basic understanding of how the Internet works knew that by sending this email he was basically asking for DV to launch a dick candy giveaway fundraiser for the town of Medway. This is just embarrassing for the town, and yet another example of a small town nobody who thinks he’s a lot more powerful than he is because in Medway the buck stops with him.

Oh, and he’s also the Deputy Fire Chief:

Because apparently Medway is some town in the wild west where the same guy is the sheriff, fire chief, postmaster general, and controls the towns water supply. What a joke.