We’ve all seen heated political debates on Facebook. But everyone’s buzzing about this clusterfuck that’s been going on on some dooshnozzle’s Facebook page named Evan Heller. Here’s what he said:
It’s elicited thousands of comments. Hundreds have come from him. Before we get into that let me just show you what we’re working with here so that the level of dooshnozzelry we are investigating can be fully understood.
First of all he’s an RA.
He was also born in 1993, so naturally he has the world figure out.
I know some people do this for the free room and board. But lots of RA’s are just nerds on power trips. The kid is clearly upper middle class, so take a guess which category of RA’s he falls under.
Oh yea, and he’s majoring in Social Thought and Political Economy. AKA he’s going to graduate this year and have no fucking clue how to get a job. Then he’ll whine about evil banks are and pitch a tent on Wall Street. Who needs a job though when your mind is filled with social thought and political economy?
And guess where he lives?
Van Meter – the capital of Central. For those of you unfamiliar with UMass, there are five main residential areas. If you’re not in Southwest then you don’t really matter. It’s the only place to live. Sylvan is for Southwest rejects who got screwed over. Northeast is for foreign exchange students. Orchard Hill is for ugly people who have come to terms with who they are and are looking to get laid by other ugly people. And Central is for the dirty, dirty hippies. The fact that he lives there is the least surprising aspect of all of this.
Oh yea, and check out all his Facebook groups that he started and no one joined:
No wonder he’s loving all the attention he’s getting right now. The dude can’t pay people to join his fantastic Facebook groups. Shocking, I know.
Oh yea and he writes screen plays:
Artistic genius if I’ve ever seen one.
He’s also an aspiring rapper and made his own Facebook rap:
Is Get Down Productions hiring??!! Even Heller is feelin’ gooo-ooo-ooo-ooooood.
And check out the groups events he’s gone to:
The fact that he has attended the Vagina Monlogues is the least surprising aspect of this entire blog. Well, either that or his favorite sports:
Yup. Every dad’s worst nightmare. Pray for Turtleboy Jr.
And OF COURSE he changed his profile picture to this two years ago:
Remember when everyone did that for 48 hours? Funny how you become socially conscious when it’s all of a sudden the cool thing to do.
Lastly, he also makes his own poetry videos:
There is NOTHING worse than someone who thinks they make really deep poetry. It’s painful to listen to. This is our boy Robert Blackwell-Gibbs’ calling card. Because the primary goal of making poetry is to try to show your hippie friends how artistic and inspiring you are. I have NEVER once heard a hippie say, “ehh, that poem wasn’t so good.” It’s always praise. Always. Hippies have never seen a poem they don’t like. It doesn’t matter that what they’re saying is just a bunch of nonsensical words in iambic pentameter. It’s the fact that they called it a poem that gets hippies all wet.
So yea, keep in mind that’s what we’re dealing with here. A wannabe hippie poet with no prospects for the future who goes to the Vagina Monologues.
He basically says the same shit over and over again, but here’s a small sample:
Right. He killed all those people for the fuck of it. Saving America lives had nothing to do with it whatsoever.
Well, except when the British sacked the White House in 1812. And when the Confederacy invaded Pennsylvania and assassinated the greatest President in American history. And when the Japanese bombed Oregon during World War 2. Or when the Nazis sent in spies on U-Boats to destroy American war production. Or when the Mexicans invaded the United States in 1916 and killed 19 Americans because we were distracted by the prospects of joining up in World War 1. Besides that America has never been attacked by another country on our mainland.
The Revolution is the only war America ever fought for freedom? Well, except for that war that inadvertently freed millions of black people. I totally forgot about that one because only 650,000 people died.
There was a 180% chance he would bring up Mike Brown.
Translation – trolling and insulting people in the military is a much more effective way to get people to join one of his Facebook groups.
Sure thing Evan. We shouldn’t bomb known ISIS strongholds. They seem nice enough, and extremely reasonable.
Hey Evan, you do realize that almost all of the people that Chris Kyle killed would destroy you, no questions asked, right? Well, first they would rape you. Repeatedly. Then they would behead you on camera. And guess what? Even if you showed them this dumbass Facebook post kissing their ass, it wouldn’t make an ounce of difference. They’d still kill you. The worst we’d do is call you a pussy on Facebook. But please, tell me more about how America is the terrorist nation state.
Saying America is the evil empire is just such a cliche. I had never heard of this concept before I went to UMass. Then in all of my classes I would watch as my idiot professors literally attempted to brainwash the entire class. The concept that America was evil wasn’t even really up for discussion. America was a racist, sexist, evil force of nature that was bent on world conquest. September 11th was only a matter of time. It’s a fact.
I didn’t buy it for one second, but I watched as naive asshats from Needham and Wellesley ate that shit up. You kind of had to if you cared about your grade. Luckily my policy was “C’s and D’s, get degrees.” Because I was fortunate to realize at a young age that grades in college don’t matter, and neither does anyone who works there.
He used big words. He must be smarter than everyone else.
No fucking way I’m reading all that man. You need to use paragraphs or toss in a couple memes or something. That gives me a popsicle headache just looking at it. Plus I’m sure you’ve said it all several times already.
There’s no way way Evan has ever had sex with a girl. It’s just not possible. I mean, who has the time to get into it with EVERY SINGLE PERSON they disagree with on Facebook? Who writes all this shit on a Facebook thread and thinks people will actually read it? Someone who naively believes that being a “nice guy” will ensure that he gets lucky. Get a blog bro.
To be in a relationship as a dude, one of the first things you realize is that losing arguments is usually the best available option. Because you can’t win when you’re up against a pissed off woman. It’s impossible. Science and modern medicine have proven that. This kid clearly doesn’t have the ability to do that.
Like this one time in Buffalo back in ought eight. We had this friend we call “Buffalo Bob.” He was married and didn’t get out much. And he was WAYYY too into politics. Back in 08 (the last time he was invited) we tried talking to these prim-looking Buffalo star-gazers at 3 AM in some pizza joint. Obviously the goal here was understood. Everyone seemed to understand this. Except for Buffalo Bob.
One of the girls started talking about how she liked Obama. The rest of us had opinions on the upcoming election, but we all knew that getting into an argument with her detracted from the ultimate goal – getting them to come to the imaginary “after party” at our hotel, which involved six dudes, a stuffy hotel room, a makeshift beerpong table, and no music.
But Buffalo Bob just had to get into a whole argument with them. Next thing you know they hated us and needless to say the after party was off.
My point here is that this kid isn’t even remotely close to understanding how life works yet. Maybe he will someday. But that day is not today. He’s living in the college world – where food is free and responsibility means using MLA citations. He has no understanding of the immediate world around him, never mind the complicated nature of international affairs.
Here’s the thing though. People shouldn’t be telling him to shut up or anything like that. This is a side effect of free speech. I’ll take some asshole on Facebook saying stupid shit any day of the week over any sort of censorship.
But if America was filled with naniburgers like this we wouldn’t be America. We’d be France. My beef with him is he’s a useless member of society. Brings absolutely nothing to the table. Not everyone’s a fighter. I get that. But there’s a million things this slug rake could be doing with his time to better both himself and his country. Become a social worker. Invent something. Open a business. Anything that contributes to day-to-day life for people in America. But instead he sits on the Facebook all day and whines about how evil America is. The same country that’s afforded him the right to sit on the Internet all day and be a dooshnozzle. Irony is a bitch.
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