Social Justice Warriors

Meet Evan Heller: Dooshnozzle Who Said “Fuck Chris Kyle” On Facebook And Started A Small War

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We’ve all seen heated political debates on Facebook. But everyone’s buzzing about this clusterfuck that’s been going on on some dooshnozzle’s Facebook page named Evan Heller. Here’s what he said:

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It’s elicited thousands of comments. Hundreds have come from him. Before we get into that let me just show you what we’re working with here so that the level of dooshnozzelry we are investigating can be fully understood.

First of all he’s an RA.

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He was also born in 1993, so naturally he has the world figure out.

I know some people do this for the free room and board. But lots of RA’s are just nerds on power trips. The kid is clearly upper middle class, so take a guess which category of RA’s he falls under.

Oh yea, and he’s majoring in Social Thought and Political Economy. AKA he’s going to graduate this year and have no fucking clue how to get a job. Then he’ll whine about evil banks are and pitch a tent on Wall Street. Who needs a job though when your mind is filled with social thought and political economy?

And guess where he lives?

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Van Meter – the capital of Central. For those of you unfamiliar with UMass, there are five main residential areas. If you’re not in Southwest then you don’t really matter. It’s the only place to live. Sylvan is for Southwest rejects who got screwed over. Northeast is for foreign exchange students. Orchard Hill is for ugly people who have come to terms with who they are and are looking to get laid by other ugly people. And Central is for the dirty, dirty hippies. The fact that he lives there is the least surprising aspect of all of this.

Oh yea, and check out all his Facebook groups that he started and no one joined:

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No wonder he’s loving all the attention he’s getting right now. The dude can’t pay people to join his fantastic Facebook groups. Shocking, I know.

Oh yea and he writes screen plays:

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Artistic genius if I’ve ever seen one.

He’s also an aspiring rapper and made his own Facebook rap:

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Is Get Down Productions hiring??!! Even Heller is feelin’ gooo-ooo-ooo-ooooood.

And check out the groups events he’s gone to:

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The fact that he has attended the Vagina Monlogues is the least surprising aspect of this entire blog. Well, either that or his favorite sports:

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Yup. Every dad’s worst nightmare. Pray for Turtleboy Jr.

And OF COURSE he changed his profile picture to this two years ago:

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Remember when everyone did that for 48 hours? Funny how you become socially conscious when it’s all of a sudden the cool thing to do.

Lastly, he also makes his own poetry videos:

There is NOTHING worse than someone who thinks they make really deep poetry. It’s painful to listen to. This is our boy Robert Blackwell-Gibbs’ calling card. Because the primary goal of making poetry is to try to show your hippie friends how artistic and inspiring you are. I have NEVER once heard a hippie say, “ehh, that poem wasn’t so good.” It’s always praise. Always. Hippies have never seen a poem they don’t like. It doesn’t matter that what they’re saying is just a bunch of nonsensical words in iambic pentameter. It’s the fact that they called it a poem that gets hippies all wet.

So yea, keep in mind that’s what we’re dealing with here. A wannabe hippie poet with no prospects for the future who goes to the Vagina Monologues.

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He basically says the same shit over and over again, but here’s a small sample:

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Right. He killed all those people for the fuck of it. Saving America lives had nothing to do with it whatsoever.

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Well, except when the British sacked the White House in 1812. And when the Confederacy invaded Pennsylvania and assassinated the greatest President in American history. And when the Japanese bombed Oregon during World War 2. Or when the Nazis sent in spies on U-Boats to destroy American war production. Or when the Mexicans invaded the United States in 1916 and killed 19 Americans because we were distracted by the prospects of joining up in World War 1. Besides that America has never been attacked by another country on our mainland.

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The Revolution is the only war America ever fought for freedom? Well, except for that war that inadvertently freed millions of black people. I totally forgot about that one because only 650,000 people died.

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There was a 180% chance  he would bring up Mike Brown.

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Translation – trolling and insulting people in the military is a much more effective way to get people to join one of his Facebook groups.

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Sure thing Evan. We shouldn’t bomb known ISIS strongholds. They seem nice enough, and extremely reasonable.

Hey Evan, you do realize that almost all of the people that Chris Kyle killed would destroy you, no questions asked, right? Well, first they would rape you. Repeatedly. Then they would behead you on camera. And guess what? Even if you showed them this dumbass Facebook post kissing their ass, it wouldn’t make an ounce of difference. They’d still kill you. The worst we’d do is call you a pussy on Facebook. But please, tell me more about how America is the terrorist nation state.

Saying America is the evil empire is just such a cliche. I had never heard of this concept before I went to UMass. Then in all of my classes I would watch as my idiot professors literally attempted to brainwash the entire class. The concept that America was evil wasn’t even really up for discussion. America was a racist, sexist, evil force of nature that was bent on world conquest. September 11th was only a matter of time. It’s a fact.

I didn’t buy it for one second, but I watched as naive asshats from Needham and Wellesley ate that shit up. You kind of had to if you cared about your grade. Luckily my policy was “C’s and D’s, get degrees.” Because I was fortunate to realize at a young age that grades in college don’t matter, and neither does anyone who works there.

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He used big words. He must be smarter than everyone else.

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No fucking way I’m reading all that man. You need to use paragraphs or toss in a couple memes or something. That gives me a popsicle headache just looking at it. Plus I’m sure you’ve said it all several times already.

There’s no way way Evan has ever had sex with a girl. It’s just not possible. I mean, who has the time to get into it with EVERY SINGLE PERSON they disagree with on Facebook? Who writes all this shit on a Facebook thread and thinks people will actually read it? Someone who naively believes that being a “nice guy” will ensure that he gets lucky. Get a blog bro.

To be in a relationship as a dude, one of the first things you realize is that losing arguments is usually the best available option. Because you can’t win when you’re up against a pissed off woman. It’s impossible. Science and modern medicine have proven that. This kid clearly doesn’t have the ability to do that.

Like this one time in Buffalo back in ought eight. We had this friend we call “Buffalo Bob.” He was married and didn’t get out much. And he was WAYYY too into politics. Back in 08 (the last time he was invited) we tried talking to these prim-looking Buffalo star-gazers at 3 AM in some pizza joint. Obviously the goal here was understood. Everyone seemed to understand this. Except for Buffalo Bob.

One of the girls started talking about how she liked Obama. The rest of us had opinions on the upcoming election, but we all knew that getting into an argument with her detracted from the ultimate goal – getting them to come to the imaginary “after party” at our hotel, which involved six dudes, a stuffy hotel room, a makeshift beerpong table, and no music.

But Buffalo Bob just had to get into a whole argument with them. Next thing you know they hated us and needless to say the after party was off. 

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My point here is that this kid isn’t even remotely close to understanding how life works yet. Maybe he will someday. But that day is not today. He’s living in the college world – where food is free and responsibility means using MLA citations. He has no understanding of the immediate world around him, never mind the complicated nature of international affairs.

Here’s the thing though. People shouldn’t be telling him to shut up or anything like that. This is a side effect of free speech. I’ll take some asshole on Facebook saying stupid shit any day of the week over any sort of censorship.

But if America was filled with naniburgers like this we wouldn’t be America. We’d be France. My beef with him is he’s a useless member of society. Brings absolutely nothing to the table. Not everyone’s a fighter. I get that. But there’s a million things this slug rake could be doing with his time to better both himself and his country. Become a social worker. Invent something. Open a business. Anything that contributes to day-to-day life for people in America. But instead he sits on the Facebook all day and whines about how evil America is. The same country that’s afforded him the right to sit on the Internet all day and be a dooshnozzle. Irony is a bitch.

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40 Comment(s)
  • Tyga Woulds
    July 11, 2015 at 1:31 am

    Flawed poll is flawed. The real hero was Eddie Routh; you can’t escape karma. Chris Kyle will spend eternity looking at every child and unarmed civilian he murdered.

  • A Non E Moose
    May 9, 2015 at 11:31 pm

    Idiot conservatives defending a war criminal and screaming down dissent… how shocking.

  • DanDan
    May 2, 2015 at 10:30 am

    The Autism is strong in Evan

    • Buabadababee Itzabhoi
      June 16, 2016 at 3:25 am

      the faggotry is strong in you

  • March 2, 2015 at 5:57 pm

    HERE IT IS . . . . . MY RESPONSE TO DOUCHE NOZZLE HELLER BOY

  • YoureWelcomeEvan
    March 1, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    Evan graduated and got a job. A for effort on researching, though. Really made you sound smart.

  • thisarticlesucks
    March 1, 2015 at 11:51 am

    I stopped reading this after a while. Whoever wrote this is an idiot. Not to mention, you suck ass at writing.

  • Sportsrsocoolman
    February 28, 2015 at 5:14 pm

    Ok we get it, you voted for Romney

    • Wabbitt
      wabbitt
      March 1, 2015 at 3:40 am

      I agree with TB, and I voted for Obama twice.

  • Clean Hippie
    February 28, 2015 at 5:06 pm

    Anyone who runs is an insurgent. Anyone who stands still is a well-disciplined insurgent.

  • Marx
    February 28, 2015 at 4:40 pm

    I think you should probably spend some time at UMass and take a couple intro level writing courses. Also, what’s wrong with criticizing Chris Kyle? He said that everyone he killed was evil (not true), and that they deserved to die. He also called all Iraqis savages. By all means, Chris Kyle was a psychopathic jackass. Not all soldiers are heroes, and not all soldiers are good people. Get over it. And really, you chose to criticize the fact that he went to the Vagina Monologues and that he doesn’t follow sports? You sound like the typical frustrated, aging alpha male who thought he was the shit in high school. Get a life, and stop criticizing people who have better critical thinking skills than you do.

  • angry panda
    February 28, 2015 at 4:14 pm

    Welcome to this generations Umass version of Rene Gonzalez. I mean they have to be related right.

  • JayC
    February 28, 2015 at 2:33 pm

    The U.S. mainland has never been attacked by a foreign country? Maybe this kid should take a history class instead of wasting time on Facebook. Along with the British taking a torch to the White House during the War of 1812, (remember Dolly Madison saving the portrait of George Washington?) there was the Battle of New Orleans in a STATE called Louisiana. Evan can thank an American hero that’s probably in his wallet named Andrew Jackson for thumping Britain during that battle. That’s assuming that Evan has a job and a $20 bill in his wallet with Old Hickory’s face on it.

    • Truth
      February 28, 2015 at 2:44 pm

      Let’s be real though, you’re citing ancient history at the rate the world has moved since WW2. We’ve never seen any sort of homeland invasion since then, and I think as technology progresses that aspect of war will become artifact.

      • Yes
        February 28, 2015 at 2:58 pm

        That’s not the point, though. The point is whether or not Kyle was protecting us from a home invasion he was someone who risked his life- physically, and as we know psychologically too- to fight for ojr com try. Whether or not we were at risk of invasion or if you agree with the principles and ideologies leading to his being over there is irrelevant. He didn’t choose to declare war. But when someone else did, he showed his loyalty to you and I by defending this country in the war, Something the majority of us don’t have the balls to do.

        • Sportsrsocoolman
          February 28, 2015 at 5:15 pm

          Just like the Nazi soldiers declared their loyalty to Hitler, right? Wake up, loyalty isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes it just makes you stupid.

          • Yes
            February 28, 2015 at 6:44 pm

            LOL did you seriously just compare Chris Kyles service to our country to Nazism? How pathetic, and I would love to see you compare modern military service to Nazism to a military man or woman to their face. Again these people who risk their lives for your benefit give you the right to have your misguided and moronic opinions.

            America military service and nazism- yep , you just did that. Think on that for a minute and realize how disrespectful, moronic, ignorant and pathetic that is.

          • February 28, 2015 at 8:37 pm

            You dumb ass!!!! Hitler was a fascist murderer that invaded more than 15 countries, slaughtered over 12 million Jews and over 400,000 men like Chris Kyle died stopping him you ignorant ass!!!! I hope you don’t vote because you are too fucking stupid to be allowed to speak.

          • Finnish Goalie
            February 28, 2015 at 10:12 pm

            Godwin’s Law. Never fails.

        • Truth
          February 28, 2015 at 7:07 pm

          You’re problem is you find it okay to stop asking why?

          • Truth
            February 28, 2015 at 7:08 pm

            Your* Since the common rebuttal around here is usually and unrelated comment on grammar.

    • Rick
      March 1, 2015 at 2:15 pm

      What about the attacks on the towers on 9/11? Seems that was on the mainland. And for whatever it is worth, the Island of Hawaii is no less a part of America because it is not on the mainland. And the Japanese did a pretty good job there t Pearl Harbor.

      • Truth
        March 1, 2015 at 2:33 pm

        Hmm… Did I say attacks on mainland or invasion? Also Hawaii was never invaded, and I was specific in specifying a post ww2 era.

      • Oldnweiser
        March 2, 2015 at 4:34 am

        Yeah… No. Sorry Rick. I don’t disagree with your viewpoint, but it does need clarification…
        Hawai’i was a (stolen) territory when the Japanese attacked our base at Pearl. It did not become a state until a generation later.
        Another attack –or series of attacks you’re not likely to find out about (until now) were also during WWII when a German UBoat sank the “SS Gulf America” roughly two miles off the shore at Jacksonville Beach, Florida. It was an oil tanker en route from the US to re-supply our military efforts in the European Theater.
        Compare this SERIES of UBoat attacks up and down the Eastern Seaboard to history books:
        http://articles.baltimoresun.com/1992-11-02/news/1992307117_1_sinking-ships-u-boat-war

  • Cool
    February 28, 2015 at 2:33 pm

    This kid is pretty stupid. However, you are the biggest fucking hypocrite in the entire world. Anonymous cyber bullying at its finest.

    Maybe take your own advice and do something productive, instead of whining here all day. What is the difference between you profiting off disgruntled thirty-somethings who are pissed off they got old, and some shitty hippy kid getting paid to read terrible poetry, and play guitar at a coffee shop that will be out of business in 5 years?

    • Chris Curtis
      March 1, 2015 at 12:02 am

      Money mainly.

      • Cool
        March 1, 2015 at 11:37 am

        That’s speculation.

        And the American dollar is losing value, so if your proud of that, that’s cool. But you’re contributing no positive contribution to better yourself or your country.

        Which is fine, but you hate on others for doing the same.

  • Yes
    February 28, 2015 at 2:27 pm

    People like this can be put in their place via one simple anecdote. You remind them that if it weren’t for people like Chris Kyle they wouldn’t be able to protest Chris Kyle this way. He fought for America. The place that gives this little hollister wearing hypocritical piece of shit the right to do all this. So before he bashes the military he should think of the metaphorically speaking, ironic, indirect self damage he is inflicting upon himself as his own rights. You tell someone like this that, and they may argue back. But they will do so knowing you’re right and you will know you’re right. Ppl like this are always going to have a response- so shutting them up is not winning because shutting them up is virtually impossible. But rather knowing that both parties know you’re right- that’s all it really takes for a dickhead like this. Ranting and raving and making endless points only feeds this guys fire.

    • Wabbitt
      wabbitt
      March 1, 2015 at 3:34 am

      It physically pains me to agree with you.

      • Yes
        March 2, 2015 at 3:00 pm

        Knew youd come around Cat boy

        • Wabbitt
          wabbitt
          March 2, 2015 at 3:15 pm

          Any conversation regarding the men and women in uniform is hallowed ground. There shall be no hostilities.

  • February 28, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    I’M GOING TO HELP YOU MAKE HIS DUMB ASS FAMOUS . . . . HE’LL BE ALL OVER AM RADIO AND YOUTUBE IN A MATTER OF HOURS

    MEET EVAN HELLER! ANTI-AMERICAN, MASSACHUSETTS BORN AND RAISED, GRADUATE OF UNIV OF MASS AT AMHERST & THE FIRST TOPIC ON MY NEXT SHOW. The brainwashing that is taking place in liberal colleges in America is epidemic!! CLEARLY HE WANTED PUBLICITY OR HE WOULDN’T HAVE RUN HIS TRAITOROUS MOUTH ON FACEBOOK. WELL . . . .WHAT HE WANTS, HE GETS!!! TUNE IN MARCH 3rd @ 5pm ET, 4pm CT http://www.kkrplazer1610.com

    • Steve Grogan
      February 28, 2015 at 2:21 pm

      A 50ish dude from Oklahoma is going to harass a Massachusetts college kid? What a cool guy, and doing God’s honest work, too.

      • February 28, 2015 at 4:30 pm

        wrong on both grogan. harass him? No, I’m just going to give him the publicity he asked for while exercising the same 1st amendment rights he has.

        • eric
          March 1, 2015 at 12:28 pm

          You’re argument employs several things such as “he’s never had sex with a girl” and “poetry,” “theatre,” and the “vagina monologues” as well as “big words” (which there were no big words so are you in third grade? 1) understand what the vagina monologues are first. 2) realize poetry and theatre are not bad things? They are arts and sports are not better or worse. 3) never had sex with a girl? A person’s worth is not depended on sex with a woman as that makes women out to be objects for men’s self-worth and transcends, ( be or go beyond the range or limits of (something abstract, typically a conceptual field or division), hetero normativity which is together is harmful to LGBTQA+ members. As for his argument take a time to understand his side rather than bash it. You are only one-sided and to compromise on an issue or make a backed-up claim you NEED to understand all or most sides. Sorry if this is a paragraph as I am aware you hate that/can’t read/can’t stay focused enough on knowledge yet are entirely knowledgeable on the issues at hand in the middle east.

  • Finnish Goalie
    February 28, 2015 at 1:44 pm

    Wonder if he has heard of Simo Häyhä?

  • Steve Grogan
    February 28, 2015 at 1:34 pm

    Aren’t you an unemployed humanities major?

  • Tom Brady
    February 28, 2015 at 1:09 pm

    Before I read through this drivel, I want to commend you on a great opening line:

    “We’ve all seen heated political debates on Facebook anymore.”

    Quality journalism right there, folks.

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