This is Maryanne Stanton, a Melrose mom with a serious message for all of you caretakers to crotch fruit out there.
“If you’re letting your kids bring nerf guns to parks make sure to be watching them and who they are shooting at.”
Thanks for the pro tip, Maryanne. I’m sure the entire Melrose community group hadn’t thought to watch their children in public places until you showed up to lecture them all. Not all heroes wear capes, some wear excessive SnapChat filters.
There are only a select few reasons I can think of as to why one would be moved to announce this on a public community forum. They are as follows:
- You think you’re a better parent than the general population, even though you assuredly are not.
- You hate fun.
- You’re a miserable cunt.
- All of the above.
I’m not going to presume to get inside Mommy fun police’s head to determine which applies to her – you can decide that one for yourself.
No, Lady Buzzkillington, I doubt your kid wants to get shot in the face with a Nerf gun. I also doubt she wants an uppity, argumentative, melodramatic shrill of a mother either – but she’ll survive both.
And naturally, the only thing that this post really accomplished was sending up the Killjoy Gestapo signal, so everyone could come and share their own Nerf gun horror stories, and feel like superior parents together.
“You people are sick.” LOL.
You know how you can figure out whose kids to have yours avoid in Melrose? Pack up your Nerf guns and check the community group a few hours later. They’ll be out in droves, crying about needing stricter foam dart gun control, while the fruit of their wombs sits by helplessly, totally unaware that if a foam dart whizzes by your head, you can just fucking move. Trust and believe they’re working hard to raise neurotic little entitled shits with made-up gluten allergies, because they’re joyless Nerf gun Nazis who want to disarm the youth.
Protect your second amendment rights, kiddos!
And of course, there were stories of Nerf related causalities, because Nerf gun control is no joke, you guys. This is serious.
Oh, she’s not anti-fun, that’s good. Just a total condescending, mom-shaming twat. Noted.
Oh, for fuck’s sake, Jackie Mahoney. Now we’re calling them “bullets”? Sounds really bad, if it took down a tough guy like you.
Tasing children? Real reasonable solution. Perhaps this is the face of the new Melrose town park secret police.
The fact that this broad even thinks this is worth spending her precious time arguing about is mind blowing, when it could have been solved easily by simply yelling at the children in question and moving on. But not Maryanne, oh no. She’s a far superior parent to you worthless hacks who can’t just WATCH (clap) YO’ (clap) KIDS (clap). And she’s not going to stop telling you about it.
But of course, she only started this 400+ comment thread with one totally valid goal here – to highlight the need for law and order in the otherwise lawless wild west that are Melrose public parks.
Her rules, to be exact.
Sorry we can’t all be super parents with perfectly behaved crotchfruit like you, fucking Nerf Nazi. I’m sure you’re raising your kids to be super awesome little people, by setting the example that (gasp) *almost* getting hit with a foam dart from a toy gun is worthy of setting up a public soapbox and throwing an epic entitled tantrum for all the inferior parents allowing their wild little armed gangbangers to stalk the public playgrounds in Melrose without recourse. Bonus points for laying on the drama thicker and thicker the more people disagreed with you.
Don’t you just hate when the other kids at the park take out a hit on your two-year-old?
This is such a pet peeve of mine because it’s condescending and completely uncalled for. Parenting is the toughest job you will ever sign up for – that’s a non-negotiable fact. It’s 24/7, for the rest of your natural life, with no rest, respite or fucking instruction book. It’s demanding and challenging and thankless and everyone fucks up at some juncture to some degree. If you lay claim that you don’t, you’re a lying cunt. We’re all out here just doing the best that we can do with what resources we can garner. To actually spend your time trying to assert some weird superiority over the other parents out there who are also just trying to keep their offspring alive and teach them to be decent human being along the way makes you a miserable, nosy little fuck. Parenting is like doing a tour in ‘Nam – there’s going to be a lot of horror, bodily fluids and sleepless nights. You’re going to do some shit you’re not proud of – I have. As long as you get out alive and without having to torch a small village, you’re doing ok. Nerf guns and all.
Uppity fun Nazis like Maryanne over here, with their incessant clapping emojis while they lament how they feel other people aren’t doing it good enough just aren’t needed. You hear that, Maryanne? You’re (clap) not (clap) fucking (clap) needed.
And on top of that, you’re wasting your energy on someone else’s little demon spawn when you should be focused on your own. You’re raising a person, the goal being that they’ll live a full live, in which you will be at some point a small part of it. Nerf guns get brought to parks, cars crash, toddlers grow up into school age children that wander off obliviously into danger, and then into teenagers who stubbornly barrel towards it heads on. Yes, you should teach your kids not to aim at other children and watch how their actions affect others. You should also teach them how to duck, because shit happens, and you won’t always be there. Raise them like you will be, and you kind of failed.
And for all the talk of properly supervising children, I’m wondering, who was watching Maryanne’s for the 3+ hours she sat online, arguing with every single last person who commented on her Holier-than-thou, attention seeking post? I mean, sure, she could have just yelled at those kids, continued her day at the park and moved the fuck on like a sane, rational mom, but where’s the validation in that? This is, after all, the same chick who would have you know she saved some dogs that one time through the power of Facebook, too.
Anyone feel like bringing Nerf guns for all the kids in Melrose? I bet we could have an awesome shootout at the public park, while fun sponge Maryanne and her bubble-children huddle in their car, crying about it on Facebook.