Melrose Nerf Nazi Mom And Killjoy Gestapo Want To Disarm Children At Local Playground Because Someone Might Get Hurt And They Hate Fun

This is Maryanne Stanton, a Melrose mom with a serious message for all of you caretakers to crotch fruit out there.



 “If you’re letting your kids bring nerf guns to parks make sure to be watching them and who they are shooting at.” 

Thanks for the pro tip, Maryanne. I’m sure the entire Melrose community group hadn’t thought to watch their children in public places until you showed up to lecture them all. Not all heroes wear capes, some wear excessive SnapChat filters.


There are only a select few reasons I can think of as to why one would be moved to announce this on a public community forum. They are as follows:

  1. You think you’re a better parent than the general population, even though you assuredly are not.
  2. You hate fun.
  3. You’re a miserable cunt.
  4. All of the above.

I’m not going to presume to get inside Mommy fun police’s head to determine which applies to her – you can decide that one for yourself.

No, Lady Buzzkillington, I doubt your kid wants to get shot in the face with a Nerf gun. I also doubt she wants an uppity, argumentative, melodramatic shrill of a mother either – but she’ll survive both.

And naturally, the only thing that this post really accomplished was sending up the Killjoy Gestapo signal, so everyone could come and share their own Nerf gun horror stories, and feel like superior parents together.



“You people are sick.” LOL.

You know how you can figure out whose kids to have yours avoid in Melrose? Pack up your Nerf guns and check the community group a few hours later. They’ll be out in droves, crying about needing stricter foam dart gun control, while the fruit of their wombs sits by helplessly, totally unaware that if a foam dart whizzes by your head, you can just fucking move.  Trust and believe they’re working hard to raise neurotic little entitled shits with made-up gluten allergies, because they’re joyless Nerf gun Nazis who want to disarm the youth.


Protect your second amendment rights, kiddos!


And of course, there were stories of Nerf related causalities, because Nerf gun control is no joke, you guys. This is serious.

Oh, she’s not anti-fun, that’s good. Just a total condescending, mom-shaming twat. Noted.

Oh, for fuck’s sake, Jackie Mahoney. Now we’re calling them “bullets”? Sounds really bad, if it took down a tough guy like you.

Tasing children? Real reasonable solution. Perhaps this is the face of the new Melrose town park secret police.

The fact that this broad even thinks this is worth spending her precious time arguing about is mind blowing, when it could have been solved easily by simply yelling at the children in question and moving on. But not Maryanne, oh no. She’s a far superior parent to you worthless hacks who can’t just WATCH (clap) YO’ (clap) KIDS (clap). And she’s not going to stop telling you about it.


But of course, she only started this 400+ comment thread with one totally valid goal here – to highlight the need for law and order in the otherwise lawless wild west that are Melrose public parks.

Her rules, to be exact.

Sorry we can’t all be super parents with perfectly behaved crotchfruit like you, fucking Nerf Nazi. I’m sure you’re raising your kids to be super awesome little people, by setting the example that (gasp) *almost* getting hit with a foam dart from a toy gun is worthy of setting up a public soapbox and throwing an epic entitled tantrum for all the inferior parents allowing their wild little armed gangbangers to stalk the public playgrounds in Melrose without recourse. Bonus points for laying on the drama thicker and thicker the more people disagreed with you.


Don’t you just hate when the other kids at the park take out a hit on your two-year-old?


This is such a pet peeve of mine because it’s condescending and completely uncalled for. Parenting is the toughest job you will ever sign up for – that’s a non-negotiable fact. It’s 24/7, for the rest of your natural life, with no rest, respite or fucking instruction book. It’s demanding and challenging and thankless and everyone fucks up at some juncture to some degree. If you lay claim that you don’t, you’re a lying cunt. We’re all out here just doing the best that we can do with what resources we can garner.  To actually spend your time trying to assert some weird superiority over the other parents out there who are also just trying to keep their offspring alive and teach them to be decent human being along the way makes you a miserable, nosy little fuck. Parenting is like doing a tour in ‘Nam – there’s going to be a lot of horror, bodily fluids and sleepless nights. You’re going to do some shit you’re not proud of – I have. As long as you get out alive and without having to torch a small village, you’re doing ok. Nerf guns and all.

Uppity fun Nazis like Maryanne over here, with their incessant clapping emojis while they lament how they feel other people aren’t doing it good enough just aren’t needed. You hear that, Maryanne? You’re (clap) not (clap) fucking (clap) needed.


And on top of that, you’re wasting your energy on someone else’s little demon spawn when you should be focused on your own. You’re raising a person, the goal being that they’ll live a full live, in which you will be at some point a small part of it.  Nerf guns get brought to parks, cars crash, toddlers grow up into school age children that wander off obliviously into danger, and then into teenagers who stubbornly barrel towards it heads on. Yes, you should teach your kids not to aim at other children and watch how their actions affect others. You should also teach them how to duck, because shit happens, and you won’t always be there. Raise them like you will be, and you kind of failed.

And for all the talk of properly supervising children, I’m wondering, who was watching Maryanne’s for the 3+ hours she sat online, arguing with every single last person who commented on her Holier-than-thou, attention seeking post?  I mean, sure, she could have just yelled at those kids, continued her day at the park and moved the fuck on like a sane, rational mom, but where’s the validation in that? This is, after all, the same chick who would have you know she saved some dogs that one time through the power of Facebook, too.


Anyone feel like bringing Nerf guns for all the kids in Melrose? I bet we could have an awesome shootout at the public park, while fun sponge Maryanne and her bubble-children huddle in their car, crying about it on Facebook.

53 Comment(s)
  • turtlecunt
    June 21, 2019 at 1:15 am

    Well written article, very informative.. colorful use of the word cunt. Best thing that happend to Melrose since yesterdays spotlight on the 5 o’clock news with that kid faking a heart attack while attempting to rob CVS!

  • turtlecunt
    June 21, 2019 at 1:08 am

    Well written article, very informative.. colorful use of the word cunt. Best thing that happend to Melrose since yesterdays spotlight on the 5 o’clock news with that kid faking a heart attack while attempting to rob CVS!

  • Mj
    June 20, 2019 at 9:54 pm

    Damn idk whats more pathetic, getting all pissed off about kids bringing nerf guns to the park. Or spending the time to actually write this poorly written bullshit. Like damn, this shits pathetic.

    June 20, 2019 at 12:00 pm

    Bristol, I know you must have went to a lot of effort to screenshot all those facebook comments, but literally EVERY single one is completely unreadable due to reduced scale.

  • Well, No Shit
    June 20, 2019 at 10:03 am

    She might be a helicopter/snowplow mom, but, more importantly, she’s a total smokeshow!

    Who gives a shit if she rants about kids dicking around with Nerf guns at the park? It wouldn’t stop me from letting my kids do it. Merely teach your kids to properly identify their targets, know what’s behind their targets, and adjust fire accordingly. Problem solved. 😉

  • Jaime
    June 20, 2019 at 8:50 am

    Sounds like she wanted to let their parents know they were being shits, in the hope that they were on the page.

    They only reason the comments section blew up is because of reactionaries like you who have nothing better to do than make mich ado about nothing.

    A slow news day indeed, but I can’t blame you… You’re pandering to your audience and this isn’t exactly journalism, this is even worse than the point you were originally trying to make.

    You have literally become the idiocy you were critiquing, but ignorance is as ignorance does.


  • Nerf for life
    June 20, 2019 at 12:39 am

    At least one of my shit kids shoots me with a Nerf gun at least once a day. I’ll send them to this broad and maybe they’ll smarten up.

  • Michaud
    June 19, 2019 at 11:35 pm

    My little shit 10 year old son sniped me with a nerf dart from the second floor window. I had no idea it was coming. It caught me in the eye, and it hurt…for about 3 minutes. Since then it’s been a bonding moment for us, with surprise sniping in the ribs or whatever. Rule is “no face”, but game on.
    It’s a Nerf gun.
    Suck it up.

  • Captain Trips
    Mayonnaise Pistol
    June 19, 2019 at 8:59 pm

    Yes, this lady has the kind of face I’d like to get wetter

    But the wrist tattoo ain’t workin sweets. Wear long sleeves when you come to my house tonight.



    Mayonnaise Pistol

  • mizzbigbooty92688
    Lost Cause
    June 19, 2019 at 8:14 pm

    This is fukn ridiculous.. Grow the fuk up. It’s a soft little foam dart. I have boys and we shoot paintballs and bbs. Lighten the fuk up and tell your man to give you some cuz your a miserable bitch. If my kid got shot with a nerf gun I would bring my kid to the store and buy the biggest nerf gun and come back. There little kids and your daughters going to get hit with much bigger things than a fukn nerf bullet in life. Get over yourself

    • Captain Trips
      Captain Trips
      June 19, 2019 at 9:01 pm

      Agreed. Christ, we used to shoot street lights out using wrist rockets with BB’s at that age.

  • jackie mahoney
    June 19, 2019 at 8:13 pm

    lol thanks Bristol!!!soo I was trolling people on the Melrose page and this is what happens.People take it seriously.I have never been hit by a nerf Bullet nor would I taze anyone. let alone a kid .II have been hit by cars bats bricks bottles a nerf bullet surely wouldnt hurt me.Bristol has spoken to mutual friends and confirmed I wasn’t being serious….im on 5 town pages and start shit on them but now I learned a lesson,,,,be careful or get turtled!! thank you for the shirt Bristol and ill gladly come on your show!!!

  • Mr. Thirsty
    June 19, 2019 at 7:27 pm

    This probably went down inside the playground. I think literally every person would be pretty pissed if someone else’s ten year old crotch fruit blasted their three year old in the eye. I wouldn’t bitch on Facebook over a near miss.

    Either way, I’d hit it.

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    June 19, 2019 at 6:21 pm

    Take a look at Jackie – he’s a mean mean mean little…..girl….

    Knee high dress and his hair in curls…..

  • Azamat
    June 19, 2019 at 6:06 pm

    That kid Jackie definitely takes it in the winking brown eye ! Sheepfold regular

  • z
    June 19, 2019 at 4:07 pm

    Had an uncle in the 1930s take a ton of wooden match heads and packed them into a metal tin can.
    He was 11 or 12.
    Kept him out of WWII. They wanted everybody to fight but preferred you have 10 fingers.
    He only had 8.5.

  • Well, No Shit
    June 19, 2019 at 2:20 pm

    “Not all heroes wear capes, some wear excessive SnapChat filters.”

    This line had me actually laughing out loud. Nicely done.

    • Jay Cee
      June 19, 2019 at 2:37 pm

      RIGHT! fucking hilarious!

      I would love to see her reaction to this !!!

  • Mom's Basement
    June 19, 2019 at 1:52 pm

    Kids today are amateurs. I loved launching rocks with the 200 yard three person water balloon slingshot me and my buddies stole from a drunken neighborhood pool party. We had no idea where those things were landing once they cleared the trees in my backyard but we made damn sure to get the thing back to the party once we heard the sirens. That was the year it got broken up early. That happened the same day that my first wristrocket slingshot got confiscated. I think I hear eBay calling.

    • z
      June 19, 2019 at 2:02 pm

      That was the one with the surgical tubing, correct?

      • Mom’s Basement
        June 19, 2019 at 2:35 pm

        That be the one! You had to know people to get one. Not anymore

        • z
          June 19, 2019 at 3:55 pm

          That and a ball bearing or a marble was something. That WAS a dangerous weapon.
          Didn’t have one, knew kids who did.

    • Mom’s calling you
      June 19, 2019 at 3:51 pm

      This one time at mom’s basement…. fuck you and your bs reminiscing. Your story is bull shit, and no one wants to hear anything you say.

  • randiguy2006
    Fuck that.
    June 19, 2019 at 1:52 pm

    Fuck that, you shoot my kid with ANYTHING I’ll fuck you up bad.

    • Brock Turner
      June 19, 2019 at 2:35 pm

      I bet you have effed so many people up in your life wow

  • Brock Turner
    June 19, 2019 at 1:35 pm

    We used to have nerf nights at the frat we everyone would get together and wrestle shirtless

    • z
      June 19, 2019 at 3:47 pm

      Did any of your guns go off “Accidentazlly”?

  • eugene
    June 19, 2019 at 1:28 pm

    Maybe Becky should go to a park in the hood.If they’re not stepping on used needles they’re running away from Pit Bulls.

  • These MF's are outta control
    June 19, 2019 at 1:26 pm

    Old Jackie there is looking for one thing and one thing only. A piece of momma’ s snatch..

  • Slow News Day for Bristol!
    June 19, 2019 at 1:23 pm

    Dredging the bottom of the facebook pages for something to write about?
    Yeah, and you’re the “Mother of the Year”!

    Get the fuck over yourself!

    • June 19, 2019 at 1:28 pm

      It sounds like you could use some soothing chamomile tea. Calm down, it’s not that serious.

  • It’s North Malden
    June 19, 2019 at 1:23 pm

    Typical Melrose resident
    The sense of entitlement from the special folks from north Malden is always amusing.

  • z
    June 19, 2019 at 1:19 pm

    Nerf guns?
    They are only fun until someone loses an eye!!!
    A kid can jam the gun barrel into someone eyes or use the butt end as a weapon.

    Says someone who as a kid got a treble fish hook embedded in my knee in a boat when my buddy backstroked a fishing pole with the lure.

    Also hit by BB pellets a couple of times. Same buddy. Did the same to him by mistake also. No parents around, just stupid shit. The fish hook needed a trip to the emergency room. BFD. Wouldn’t trade the kid crap for the world.

    Years later, was with the same buddy in Lenox Mass. doing 110 on Rt. 7 in a Boss Mustang 302. Now that was dangerous and stupid.

  • Batman
    June 19, 2019 at 1:14 pm

    Bristol, two cunts and one twat in this one. Well done. Golf clap.

    • Captain Trips
      June 19, 2019 at 8:50 pm

      Holy 2 cunts and a twat Batman! I haven’t seen this much roast beef since Catgirl made duplicates of herself!

  • jack ruby
    June 19, 2019 at 1:07 pm

    me and stevie daniels used to play with his dad’s (unloaded) 38s. we had fun, but no bullets allowed!

  • Nerf Police
    June 19, 2019 at 1:04 pm

    What she needs is a big, orange Nerf Dildo to play with while wearing her Nerf ball gag as she patrols the park.

  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    June 19, 2019 at 12:59 pm

    My dear beloved Turtle riding friends. I have a great swearing tip for you when using the word “twat”.

    Instead of pronouncing it twOT, do like we Limeys do and pronounce it twAT.

    It makes the insult sound waaay better.

    Thank me later.


    • Let me up, I've had enough
      June 19, 2019 at 4:13 pm

      Dick’s right. My wife slapped me.

      Thanks Dick.

      • Captain Trips
        I've fallen and I can't get up!
        June 19, 2019 at 8:52 pm

        My wife slapped my dick!

        Thanks Dick!

  • Bob
    June 19, 2019 at 12:58 pm

    This article sucked! Did you seriously just write an article about a mom telling people to watch their kids with their nerf guns, because the kids were shooting 2 and 3 year olds. This was dumb

    • dowen0895
      Dick Scratcher
      June 19, 2019 at 1:02 pm

      Who’s this cunt? ^^^^^^^^^^

      Off you fuck, Bob.

      • Captain Trips
        Bob's Pimp
        June 19, 2019 at 8:54 pm

        Bob is his job description, not his name

        It’s a mouthful!

    • I See Dumb People
      I see Dumb people
      June 19, 2019 at 1:02 pm

      Bob is a twAT

  • I See Dumb People
    I see Dumb people
    June 19, 2019 at 12:55 pm

    Nerf Gun Party in Melrose Parks be there or be Maryanne hahhaah ..
    While the toddler savior Maryanne is at , she may as well petition to ban swings and slides from all the playgrounds ..Ya know cuz A kid could maybe at some point in the future try to swing and fall down and get a serious booboo and and dont even get me started on the dangers of (gasp) Slides.. How are our crotch fruits to survive these horrible horrible dangerous toys… Bubble wrap stations at every playground or no more playgrounds…
    Fucking idiot snowflakes

  • ncfoothillbilly
    June 19, 2019 at 12:50 pm

    Facebook…the realm of incessant nitwittery. We didnt have bike helmets when I was a kid. We had lawn darts (bring back those lawn darts), bb gun fights, shot bottle rockets at each other, and all manner of stuff most kids cannot do today because of their parents who think bubblewrapped is the only way to go through life. Guess what? We got hurt all the time from dirt clod fights, wrestling, football, baseball, etc etc. Shit happens when youre a kid and when it does it just makes you a little tougher rather than grow up to be one of these soyboy limp wrists who cant change a tire without AAA. Let kids be kids. Rant off…

    • hartf811
      June 19, 2019 at 1:22 pm

      Still have a set of Jarts I’m bring to the park next Saturday. The real heavy ones that dig in a good 10″ with a decent throw. Used to throw them as high as we could on the back polo field at Myopia and run under them yelling “Incoming!” Couple close calls but everybody came down for breakfast the next morning.
      The games at night would get out of hand kinda quick.

      • Ogie oglethorpe
        June 19, 2019 at 1:58 pm

        Yep, the good ole days…..sneaking up on the police at the shooting range to look for unused bullets and then putting into vice-grips in the garage and hitting them with hammers to see if they would go off. #bannurfguns

    • Let me up, I've had enough
      June 19, 2019 at 4:09 pm

      When I was 12 I shot my friend in the chest with a Crossman 766 BB Air Rifle from 20 yards that I had pumped 11 times (10 was the highest recommended pump). He came at me failing his arms and screaming like a banshee. He beat the shit out of me. We then went together and blew up bullfrogs with firecrackers. 40 years later we still laugh about it.

      Point being: By today’s standards we’d be labeled serial killers.

  • David O
    June 19, 2019 at 12:48 pm

    Yo turtleboi when you gonna do a story on da skank that I almost lost my life for. Regular news wont touch it because I sm a good guy.

  • Charles Dickens
    June 19, 2019 at 12:44 pm

    I remember I had a blue nerf boomerang when I was young, could never get it to come back to me though, one day it landed on the roof of my house and stayed up there for a long long time. That’s it that’s my nerf story.

    • marilu
      June 19, 2019 at 1:07 pm

      i think that’s everyone’s Nerf boomerang story lol

  • Jackie
    June 19, 2019 at 12:43 pm

    I drank a liquid substance out of a used condom that I picked up at the park. Whats wrong with couples today. Am I the only one left that swallows anymore.

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