DM – Miley Cyrus stole the show at this year’s VMAs but instead of twerking and sticking out her tongue, the pop star grabbed the attention of the audience by promoting her pet cause – youth homelessness. The blonde singer won the Video of the Year award for her song Wrecking Ball but rather than take to the stage and mouth platitudes, Cyrus sent in her stead a young man named Jesse to read a speech about the subject close to the star’s heart.’My name is Jesse,’ the 22-year-old said. ‘I am accepting this award on behalf of the 1.6 million runaways and homeless youth in the United States who are starving and lost and scared for their lives. I know, because I am one of those people.’ ‘I’ve been an extra in your movies, I’ve been an extra in your lives,’ the blond-haired, blue eyed Jesse told the audience. ‘Los Angeles has the largest population of homeless youth in America.’
So when I first saw this happen last night I was gonna rain on Miley Cryus’ parade for pulling this stunt. But I couldn’t find a good reason to. Then I found out today that “Jesse” from Oregon is a 22 year old. Ya got that? Twenty fucking two. I’m supposed to feel bad for this idiot? Dude, you’re a fucking grown ass man. How about not living in the most expensive part of the country? How about not hanging out in Hollywood all day trying to be an extra in movies? How about you say what your real name is so people can actually google you and find out your real story? Oh yea, you wouldn’t wanna do that because then everyone will find out that your whole feel good story is full of holes and shit and Miley Cyrus goes back to being the biggest asshat on the planet.
Hey Jesse, you obviously fucked up pretty badly somewhere along the line. You’re trying to get money from people who worked hard, did well in school and got a job, while you ran away from home, smoked yourself retarded, and waited for your big break that never came. And how old was this guy when he “ran away” from wherever it is he comes from? Because if he ran away in the last four years then he’s not a homeless youth. He’s a homeless adult. And no one feels bad for a homeless adult that didn’t lose his marbles in Nam.
And if he ran away six or seven years ago, what the fuck has he been doing this whole time? Standing in line outside of Miramax so he can be dead body number four in a movie no one will watch? Hey idiot, while you’ve been finding yourself and chasing dreams that most people are smart enough to give up when they turn seven, I’ve been working every day, paying my bills, and funding your health insurance. This guy is literally the face of Obamacare, but that’s a rant for another blog.
And Miley Cyrus wants me to give money to this idiot and his hippy friends? For what? So he can buy a new skateboard and a Big Gulp? Why don’t I just take a nice, steamy Turtleboy Sports dump on my hard earned money instead? This money isn’t going to research to cure a disease. It’s not going to disaster relief. Hell, it’s not even going to an overpaid, tax-paying executive. It’s going to Jesse and his surfer friends so they can buy rolling papers.
A lot of people are praising her for doing this. Not me. I see right through it. There is a 199% chance these two took bong rips together in a limousine. Hollywood types are always trying to one up each other. Any celebrity can spend their money on a new drug addiction. But name another celebrity that gets fucked up with homeless dudes, brings them to the VMAs and goes out for In-n-Out Burger afterwards? You can’t.
Oh yea, and guess what? Miley Cyrus doesn’t pick this guy if she’s not trying to drill him. Because let’s be honest – Miley Cyrus is certainly not above getting plowed by some guy she found under a bridge. As a matter of fact I’d bet my Nantucket horse ranch that this was some fetish on her bucket list. Sure she could bang other celebrities, but that’s so mainstream. You know who’s banging homeless former teen runaways? No one. Your move Taylor Swift.
A week from now when Miley Cyrus starts ignoring his phone calls (because he might not have a home, but I’m sure he’s an iPhone) this guy will go back to being an able-bodied bum asking for quarters at LA’s version of Kelley Square. But he’ll always be able to reminisce about the good times with his friends under the bridge and talk about the time he got to play dress up with Miley Cyrus.
So apparently this is what Miley has come to. She finds homeless 22 year olds, gets high with them, eats a shitload of fast food, gets steamrolled, and then drops him back off at the shelter before she starts her next bender. I thought she couldn’t stoop any lower than being a talentless, drug addicted Hollywood pass-around. But somehow she has found a way to become an even worse human being. In the words of Ron Burgundy:
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