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This is why Rochester can’t have nice things. Ever. You know how many good things you see come out of Rochester, NH? None. Zero. Notafuckingthing. Someone needs to call the EPA and get the water supply tested for mercury. I don’t know what it is but something’s just not right.
Bright and early on Saturday morning this Cheese Wiz psycho named Joanne Shaw was out for a leisurely stroll… In the middle of traffic on Washington Street in Rochester, NH. Why she was ambling down the road at 8 a.m. is beyond me but this is a same woman who smiles in her mugshot like she let a queef rip while having her 7th grade school picture taken. I think it’s safe to say she’s got a few misfired synapses going on in that noggin.
So all of the news reports chiming in on the matter have the story as a 50-something year old guy who was driving along WITH HIS 1 YEAR OLD BABY IN THE BACK SEAT and when he saw her walking in traffic he offered her a ride because she looked like she needed help. Right away my first thought was: Who the hell rolls up to some crazy broad dodging cars and offers her a lift with their baby in the car?
“Hmm..This person looks moderately psychologically unhinged. No big deal. I should let her in my vehicle. What’s the worst that could happen?”
I know this is Rochester and generally we expect people to do incredibly dumb shit but come on. If I were cruising along and saw Lady Fruitloop there’s no way in hell I’d be stopping for any reason, ESPECIALLY not with my kid in the car. Sorry, not happening. Those windows would be rolled up tight and if she got any smart ideas to try to approach my mom-mobile I’d be popping open my drivers-side door and clipping her like a pinball back into the median.
New high score!
But supposedly he let her into his car only to have her start rambling about how she was going to take his baby. She starts unbuckling the kid from her seat, they scuffle, she snaps his car key in half and manages to grab the kid and take off running.
Ok here’s the problem with that scenario. If this dude was driving his car, how was she able to snap his ignition key (you know, that metal object that has to be inserted into the steering column in order to drive a car?) That makes no sense. And then what? She jumped out of a moving vehicle with a baby in her arms like a Live-Free-Or-Die ninja warrior? Like I said, there’s a good possibility there’s mercury in the water, not anabolic steroids.
Then he pulls over, chases her down and gets sucker punched in the chops a couple of times before the cops swoop in for the takedown?
Look at this chick:
Not a ninja warrior.
Then the comment brigade comes screeching in:
That’s more like it.
That makes much more sense. Joanne goes off the deep end, jumps in front of this guys car and then forces herself inside and grabs his baby. She’s lucky she didn’t get a monumental beatdown. You grab my kid, I’m bashing your brains in with anything I can get my hands on. I’m just glad that the baby and her dad are okay. Thankfully the little girl is young enough to (hopefully) not be scarred for life by some Hand-That-Rocks-The-Cradle babynapper skitzo. (Also, way to Hulk out and snap someone’s car key Joanne. Dick move. Those things are like $300 a pop.)
More dick moves:
Joanne has previous assault charges but she preaches all sorts of crunchy, Buddha, hippie mantra on her Facebook page(s):
Yeah by all means, give us all a valuable lesson in peaceful life practices. You know what most people go out for on Saturday morning? Breakfast. Hitting the gym. Maybe a trip to Bed Bath & Beyond for some hand towels and a friggin melon baller or whatever. Not Joanne, she’s in the business of snatching babies from strangers before noon.
Round of applause!
I wonder how difficult a thousand mile journey is when you’re wearing handcuffs and dropping a deuce in front of the gals in general pop at Strafford County.
Word to the wise: If you see Joanne skipping around town in Rochester make sure your child safety locks are on.
And stay tuned for PART 2! Because it just keeps getting better (or worse?)