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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the Montreal Canadiens are the most dislikable team in all of sports. I hate them with a passion that simply blows away my distaste for the Yankees, the Heat, the Lakers, the Steelers, the Colts, the Penguins and every other team in every other sport combined. They are the absolute worst of the worst. Their organization. What they stand for. Their players. Their fans. Their media. Everything about them is vile and offensive.

Let’s start with the city of Montreal. Being from Worcester, Montreal is the place to go for bachelor party’s. That’s because their economy completely revolves around lap dances. If you’re an unemployed stripper with no self esteem and no money, then go to Montreal because they’re hiring.

Aside from the Mom and Pop strip clubs with shady Lebanese dudes out front trying to keep you from going to the rival strip club next door, Montreal is the most useless place on earth. It truly, truly sucks there. I’ve gotten dragged up there for twice, and when you do anything that involves going out and engaging and interacting with real human beings, you will hate life.

The people there are the absolute worst. That’s because Montreal combines two of the worst types of people on God’s green earth – Canadians and the French. Every dooshnozzle who goes out to the bars there dresses like they’re going out to the hottest discoteque in Prague. You know those bars you try to stay away from in Boston because they turn into Eurotrash havens filled with people who wanna spend their entire pay checks on a bunch of girl drinks while they stand in silence and listen to house music? Yea, those are what dive bars are like in Montreal.

Truly terrible.

The second you arrive in the province of Quebec you don’t feel like you’re in Canada at all. First of all, there’s no easy way to get to Montreal. They don’t have a real interstate highway system like we do. So you drive five hours through parts of Vermont you never knew existed, before arriving at the border. After getting by the jackass mounty who cops a few feels before letting you go through, you will be on a single lane road for approximately two hours. You will pass farm, after farm, after trailer park, after farm. It’s like driving through Mississippi, except worse.

You will likely think that you are lost too. Isn’t this supposed to be Canada you will ask yourself? Where are those Maple Leaf Canadian flags I’ve heard so much about? You’ll drive, and drive and drive and never see one. But you’ll notice that you keep seeing these monstrosities:

At first I thought it was some kind of gang sign. Or maybe it was the Canadian boy scouts. Or the Vietcong. But apparently it’s the flag of the provence of Quebec. Because for whatever reason they speak French in Quebec and the rest of Canada is just cool with that. Picture that happening in America. Would the people of California ever let the official language of that state become Spanish? Nope. Because Americans actually have pride in their country, before pride in their state. Well, unless you’re one of those idiots from Georgia who thinks the Confederate flag is some sort of “southern pride” thing.

And then there’s the Canadiens’ fans. They are the rare combination of whining dandies and uncaged animals wrapped into one. I would rock my Red Sox jersey in Yankee stadium any day of the week. Some idiot in the bleachers will throw a taco at you, but ultimately you’re not in grave danger. I would never even CONTEMPLATE wearing a Bruins jersey to the Bell Centre. These people have nothing except for their crappy hockey team. They will literally kill you for it and think nothing of it.

The weird part is they have ZERO problem with the fact that their team has found a way to turn hockey into soccer. There is no fan base in all of sports who is prouder to call their team a bunch of divers than Montreal. Hockey is a tough, manly game. Except in Montreal. They are proud to do whatever it takes to avoid fights and physicality in general. Don’t listen to me though, just look at what their fans are saying:

Translation – the Bruins will beat the shit out of everyone on our roster not named P.K. Subban. The game plan is to cheap shot them and run away. That’s disciplined Montreal hockey right there. That’s how you build a winning hockey team that fans can get behind!!

Yea stop picking on us. We don’t wanna fight you guys. Can’t you just let us dance around the ice? Why do you have to hit us so hard? We’re the best team in hockey, especially when the other team doesn’t play defense or hit us. That’s the way hockey is SUPPOSED to be played!!

Yea, fights are dumb.

Did I mention that Montreal has the most unlikeable player in hockey? Max Pacioretty. He was a big reason why I couldn’t root hard for team USA this Olympics. Guy is the proverbial turd in the punch bowl. He’s not from Montreal but he’s adapted to their dandy way of life pretty quickly.

Remember when Zdeno Chara legally checked Pacioretty into the stanchion in 2011? They sure do in Montreal. To us it was your basic hockey move. To them it was a declaration of war:

So supposedly Pacioretty was devastated by that hit. Probably because Chara is a human monster, who Pacioretty willingly suited up against. The NHL of course didn’t suspend Chara since it was a completely legal hit. Either way here’s Pacioretty’s version of what happened.

For Pacioretty’s part, he could not remember the incident, but after seeing tape said that he was ‘disgusted’ that there was no fine or suspension. About two months later, he said that he thought Chara regretted his actions and that he forgave him.

Pacioretty told TSN he was “upset and disgusted” that the league had not suspended Chara. “I’m not mad for myself, I’m mad because if other players see a hit like that and think it’s OK, they won’t be suspended, then other players will get hurt like I got hurt,” he said.

Wahhhhhhhh!!!! It takes a special kind of dooshnozzle to not be completely embarrassed by this turd. He couldn’t remember the incident? Bullshit. You remember every second of that pancake, you just WISH you couldn’t remember it. And you forgive Chara? That’s cute. Seriously, it boggles my mind how anyone can root for a chump like this and look at themselves in the mirror.

Here’s the league’s rationale for not suspending Chara:

Speaking after a U.S. congressional panel discussion in Washington about encouraging American kids to play hockey, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman said Pacioretty’s injury is horrific, but it’s part of the game. He also said most concussions and head injuries this year have been from accidents or players falling — rather than as the result of hits.

Ya got that? Players falling. That will happen when your fall back play is the 42 dive. Part. Of. The. Game.

And to make matters worse, idiot fans actually called 911 and tied up emergency services to report Chara. Some idiots started complaining that Chara should be arrested and there was an actual, real investigation. With real cops and everything!! Because the Montreal Canadiens’ play reflects the culture of the city they play in. When everyone from your metropolis is a whiny little naniburger, your players are gonna play like whiny little naniburgers. In Boston we’re tough and blue-collar, and so is our hockey team.

Oh and Pacioretty was completely roasted by Mark Recchi after that:

Recchi also discussed Pacioretty’s message on Twitter from March 14, which was six days after the hit. In it, Pacioretty shared that he had just seen the movie Hall Pass. “We’re very thankful that he is OK and he’s getting better,” Recchi said. “We know he was [tweeting] at a movie four or five days later. Obviously, if you have a concussion, a bad concussion like they said, you’re not going to be in a movie [theater].

Yea, nice try Maxie Boy. I mean, this is hockey. I’ve watched every series in this playoffs, and besides the Montreal-Tampa Bay series, they’ve been fantastic. Good, physical play with equal amount of penalties for both teams. The Montreal sweep of course was largely due to a 13-7 power play differential. Because in Montreal, THAT is part of the game. Physicality is frowned upon.

Guess what state Max Pacioretty is from? Did you guess Connecticut? Of course you did. Where else would a Nancy Boy like that emanate from? Probably the most predictable question you will ever see on TurtleBoy Sports.

You know what else is funny about Montreal fans? They say WE are the divers:

Yea, Marchand is a weasel that’s for sure. But he’d still kick Pacioretty’s ass…..if Maxie would actually fight him. Chara though? I don’t get the hating on Big Z. He’s like the nicest dude. Doesn’t fight anyone because he knows it’s not fair. He’s never been suspended, he’s highly respected in the league. Basically they just hate him because he’s tall. Sounds like bullying. TurtleBoy Sports is a family blog – we frown upon bullying!!

And it’s not exactly a secret that Montreal is a bunch of diving Euro-weenies. Everyone in the league knows it. It’s typical. Just ask Peter Laviolette:

Then there were these comments:

They all write like that. Must be a language barrier thing. But the token response from Habs fans is the age old Yankee response – rings bro!!  Newsflash – there is nothing in professional sports that is faker than the Canadiens 26 Stanley Cups. Thirteen of your 24 cups came when there were just 6 teams in the league. Those don’t count. You dominated during a time period I was not alive for. I give zero fucks about that. Let’s talk about recent history. We’ve won two of the last three Eastern Conference Championships. You haven’t won since 1993.

I repeat, 1993. June 9, 1993 to be specific. On June 17, 1993 Douggie Hamilton was born. A generation of young boys have been born and made the NHL since you last did anything significant, so you can take those 24 Cups and shove them up your ass. You bragging about your 24 cups would be like me sitting around talking about how nasty the 1918 Red Sox were. No one cares because it’s just not at all relevant.

So in conclusion Montreal is a good for nothing wasteland that is only good for immoral weekend excursions. But you did give us Patrice Bergeron, Claude Julien, and Pedro Martinez, so at least you’re not totally useless. I simply cannot WAIT until puck drop tomorrow. Let’s go B’s!!

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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