I owe one of my usual blogging partners Ryan Meehan a hat-tip for this one. It won’t take you long to see why this story is perfect Turtle Boy material.
A 350-pound British woman claims it is not her fault she is morbidly obese — it’s because the government does not give her enough taxpayer money.
Yep, there it is, right in the first sentence. She’s a victim because the public isn’t properly subsidizing her uselessness. But before I break this down, I’d would like to point out my favorite part of this story comes in the pun not-so-cleverly hidden in the next line.
“It would be good if the government offered a cash incentive for me to lose weight. I’d like to get £1 [1.63] for every pound I lose,” 25-year-old Christina Briggs said.
Did you catch it. That whole “pound-for-a-pound” thing is simply pants-shittingly funny. It’s like when people tell me how much more intelligent the British sense of humor is, at which point I feel compelled to remind them of Benny Hill.
Say what you will, it’s still far funnier than anything Jerry Fucking Seinfeld ever did. As is the following…
Briggs said losing weight is currently impossible because she doesn’t have enough money to buy healthy food or join a gym.
“I tried swimming but it cost £22 [$35.89] a month and it meant I had to cut back on my favourite pizza and Chinese takeaways,” she said.
“It’s not my fault – healthy food is too expensive’,” she added.
So, let me see if I get this straight…She can’t afford to join a gym because then she couldn’t afford to wolf down a large pepperoni with extra cheese topped with a two-inch-layer of Moo Goo Gai Pan? I think we can all figure out that by not consuming one’s own weight in baked cheese and wok-fried all-purpose meat, she would be taking the first step on that long journey toward weight loss. But that’s not even the best part. I lived in the UK for over a year, and I can tell one thing…they have supermarkets that look just like ours. They are also full of the same kind of stuff ours are. The names might be different, and the Brits eats some truly horrible shit you’d never find on an American supermarket shelf., but the general concept is EXACTLY the same. Check out the picture at the top of this piece…raise your hand if you see the box of Pop-Tarts in her cupboard.
In other words, it doesn’t matter whether you are in Worcester, MA or Worcestershire, West Midlands, you can walk into a supermarket and try this little test. Go compare the cost of a five-pound (or whatever measure they come in the UK) and compare that to the cost of whatever “shit in a can” you want. For roughly the same price, I can get enough potatoes to eat for a week, or I can get a can of Spam, which in one serving will give me enough fat and salt to explode a major artery. The point is this isn’t about money, it’s about choices.
If you want to doubt that, try this test. Send out for a large pizza from a non-cheap shit pizza place. You can easily spend $20 or more doing that. Now, take that same $20 and tell me what you can buy at the supermarket with it in terms of shit that won’t kill you, like rice, beans, and fresh fruit and vegetables. You’ll get a fuck of a lot more food than you will from the pizza guy.
Now really fun part. This tubbo claims that she can’t afford to join a gym because of what she spends on food. Well, the last time I checked, going for a walk was FREE. I also understand that walking is actually a really good form of exercise. Let’s be even more honest here. I don’t think anybody reading this would expect somebody to go from 350 pounds to a CrossFit expert in a week, but that is EXACTLY the cop-out this woman is using. Follow the logic here. Gyms are where people do some hard-core exercising, and hard-core exercising is the only way she thinks she can lose weight, and since she can’t afford to join a gym, she’s never going to lose weight.
That’s a complete load of bullshit. The real reason this woman is never going to lose weight is because she doesn’t have to. She’s never going to have to get a job, because the British government is giving her £22,000 [$35,884.09] per year and free housing for her and her two children. That means she’s already learned the lesson that if you are useless enough, here or there, the government will pay for her uselessness. When you strip off the bullshit from her “why I’m fat” argument, that is what you get. The trouble is that you can strip down the other side of the argument just as easily. If you want to lose weight, it’s actually rather simple…eat less and move more.
The bottom line here is that the next time you have some sniffing elitist try to tell you how much better things are in Europe as compared to America, realize that they are completely full of pre-packaged, government-subsidized shit.
Official J-Dubbed!! Only possible pull on this is the tubbo rag that’s not even worth mentioning. Good write!! Good write!!
I am overweight, do not have much money, but at some point you have to take responsibility. I wasn’t fed healthfully as. A child, but I know that now and it’s my job to fix it. The truth of the matter is once you stop making excuses, you can do it. The money will show up. A membership to planet fitness is less than $10! For an entire month! Less than the cost of half a pizza. Even if she wanted pizza there are ways to make it healthier. Veggies and half the cheese!
I’m a middle-aged guy who played football when I was younger, and like a lot of ex-footballers, I got bigger than I should be later in life. So, I made a decision to change it. I didn’t do anything dramatic, because I do not subscribe to the “instant gratification/quick fix” mind set. All I did was quit eating fast food, stopped drinking soda, and began eating a balanced diet. I didn’t go on a crash exercise course, I didn’t starve myself, and I didn’t expect to see results overnight. That’s why I’ve lost 20 pounds a year for each of the last three years, and that weight will stay off because i made a life-style change.
That’s why the “Jenny Craig” style commercial piss me off as much as they do. Sure, you lose 50 pounds in six months, but you’ll gain it all back the minute you stop eating their ridiculously priced food. It’s crap like this which gives this woman any creedence to her “being healthy is too expensive” argument.
Ultimately, this really isn’t about weight; it’s about being responsible for what happens to you. You can’t control all of it, but you can control a BIG part of it.