Morons Say They Will Miss Jonny Gomes More Than Jon Lester After Cespedes Trade Because Boston Red Sox Fans Are The Worst In All Of Sports

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So whenever big shit goes down I’m always in another country. Last year when Aaron Hernandez was arrested I was getting off a plane in Jamaica. Today I step into Toronto’s stupid airport and find out that Jon Lester and Jingo Jonny Gomes have been traded to the Oakland Athletics for Yoenis Cespedes. Then I take a smash and I turn on the TV in the hotel room and all of a sudden John Lackey has been traded to the St. Louis Cardinals for that fat guy (Allen Craig) who tripped over Will Middlebrooks rounding third base and gave SL Game three of the World Series. Ironically we also got the Cards’ starting pitcher from Game three, Joe Kelly, as part of that deal.


Holy shit that’s a lot of stuff going down and of course I’m in another country where “roaming” exists. What in tarnation is the deal with roaming? Like, it’s 2014. Kind of moronic that it magically costs a million dollars more to use your phone after crossing some imaginary political boundary.

Anyway, both trades are a million times better than I thought they’d be. I figured both of these guys were goners, but I didn’t wanna lose either of them. This year is a fluke, and next year we should be right back where we belong at the top. Lester and Lackey should’ve been leading the way.

My worry was we’d trade those guys for a bunch of prospects I’ve never heard of before, which would basically make us the Marlins. Instead we got back real players who have done real things in MLB. 

Cespedes I’m thrilled about. It really blows to see Lester go, but we got one of the best power hitters in baseball. Oh yea, and he plays outfield and the Red Sox might have the worst outfield in the history of mankind. So that’s good. In the post steroid era 25-30 home runs and 90 RBI makes you Babe Ruth. Kid is 28 years old, only makes $9 million, and they’ve got him guaranteed contract through next season. Oh yea, and he’s Cuban. Cuban players are all the rage these days. Anyone who has what it takes to escape from Castro can play for me any day.


Craig is a big question mark. Personally I think he’s a much better fit in the American League. He’s a fat bastard who has no business playing the field. We need more guys like that in Boston. Just throw him in left field. He’s hit over .300 the last two seasons with decent power, but he pretty much blows now. I’m thinking a switch to the AL and a hitter’s park is exactly what the doctor ordered for him.

Jelly sucks this year, but he’s good enough to start Game three of the World Series, so he’s good enough for me. He went 10-5 last year with a 2.69 ERA when he was healthy. He obviously hasn’t been this year, but I’ll take it.

A lot of people say we’re getting Lester back. I thought you dingleberries were out of your mind, but I kind of changed my mind now. After all, it’s fucking Oakland. Does anyone honestly think Oakland’s broke ass can afford what Lester is gonna command? I mean, this is a team who had an Academy Award nominated movie made about how cheap they are. There is a 0.0% chance he’s in Oakland next year. Clearly the A’s are all in on this season. This is a team that constantly poops on itself whenever October hits and Billy Beane ain’t gonna let that happen again.

So yea, no one ever goes back to the team that traded them like this. It’s basically collusion if they do. But since he won’t be in Oakland next year, where else would he possibly go? Obviously Boston right? I mean, this HAD to be the reason they chose Oakland as a trade partner. Plus, Lester’s been liking a couple tweets that suggest he’ll be back in Boston in no time:



Awesome. If he’s back in Boston with a rotation that just got younger and with a lineup that magically has power all of a sudden then Ben Cherrington is obviously a genius. World Series Champs 2015 here we come. Lock it up!!!

Anyway, my favorite part about all of this is obviously the fact that I no longer have to listen to Jingo Jonny’s shenanigans. Let’s face the facts – Jonny Gomes sucks. Anyone who can’t admit that doesn’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. Not surprisingly he was one of the most liked players Boston’s had in recent memories. This is EXACTLY why Red Sox fans suck. They really do. From Sweet Caroline when we’re losing 14-1, to morons buying $300 bricks, to idiots who think Jingo Jonny is some kind of Rambo in a Red Sox uniform, there might not be a more uninformed bandwagon crowd in all of sports than Red Sox fans.

Look, I’m a Red Sox fan and so are a lot of you reading this. Chances are if you read Turtleboy Sports you’re a real fan. But you can’t go to games because Fenway is filled with pink-hatted dinks who are still saying “Boston Strong” despite being far removed from Boston on April 15th, 2013. These moronic Red Sox “fans” give all of us a bad name. The Red Sox have become a commercialized garbage product ever since John Henry’s group bought the team.



And nobody capitalized on this more than Jingo Jonny. He knew EXACTLY what these people wanted to hear and he gave it gave it to them. You think these dolts care that he’s batting .234 this year? You think they care that he can’t field for shit? You think they care that he strikes out every third at bat? You think they care that he constantly watches strike three and then flips out at the ump instead of blaming himself for not swinging at a hittable pitch? You think they care that he’s the king of leaving runners on base?

Nope. None of that matters. Because these idiots don’t give a shit about baseball or the Red Sox. They just wanna say “Boston Strong,” buy T-shirts, and most importantly sing Sweet Caroline. What they do on the field doesn’t really matter.

Want more proof? Look what they’re saying online:

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Character? What the fuck does that even mean? Apparently Adam here doesn’t mind all the strikeouts and lack of production, because Jingo Jonny has “character.”

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Turtleboy Sports is a feminist blog, but chicks like this have got to go. She is more upset about losing Jingo Jonny than Lester. Someone actually said that on the internet with their name attached to it. I can just see the this woman at Fenway with better seats than me singing Sweet Caroline during one of our embarrassing ass beatings this year.

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Newsflash Abby French – you were never really a Red Sox fan to begin with. You probably listen to Drake a lot, because he sucks and obviously so do you. Drake is famous for jumping from one hip hop team to another. Whatever’s trendy. He was a Heat fan for four years an readily admits he’s a Cavs fan because of LeBron James. But at least Lebron is fucking good. I mean, how fucking dumb can one person be? I really hope it comes out that Jonny Gomes molested children or something so that all of these people’s worlds just come crashing down.

Do you know any of these people? Because if you do, you know they’re probably morons:



At least she admits she doesn’t care about baseball and is strictly in it for the sex appeal. What’s this idiot’s excuse?


Jonny Gomes is American. He even wore an American flag jacket to the White House. Who gives a shit if he sucks though right? Let’s keep things in perspective people. Murica!!




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Or just search for “Jonny Gomes Boston Strong” on twitter. You’ll get a bunch of shit like this:

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What a cliche. I swear if they say “Boston Strong” enough these people really can convince themselves that they’re God’s chosen people or something. Like Boston is the ONLY fucking city in the world that can move on after a terrorist attack. Like, what would happen if they blew up the Milwaukee marathon? Would they just wave the white flag and everyone would move to Chicago? Like we’re so fucking special because we all went to work the next day? What were we supposed to do? How does two idiots blowing up the marathon make us “Boston Strong?” And if you weren’t injured in that attack, then doesn’t that just make you a giant posing fucktard?

All of this comes from bonehead sites like Masshole Sports, who put up memes like this:


He’s wicked pissah dude!!! They don’t say the “r” in bastard because they’re from Baaaahhhhstin bro!! Jingo Jonny is so crazy!!! He drinks beer and grows a beard and stays up AAALLLLLL night!! And he even made the parade all about him by placing the trophy at the finish line of the marathon. If that ain’t Boston Strong then I don’t know what is.

Anyway, it blows that Lester and Lackey are gone, it really does. But I love me some Cespedes. Back to back home run derby champ in the House that Papi built. And most importantly, I no longer have to listen to this idiot and his legion of idiot followers say stupid shit on the internet.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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1 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    July 31, 2014 at 10:54 pm

    It’s hard for me, because I enjoy both the Masshole and Turtleboy. But Masshole is so fucking off his rocker when it comes to Gomes.

    At least Cherington dumped Drew while he was tossing the dead weight.

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