So the website “Besttickets.com” conducted a poll in all 50 states to see who the most popular CURRENT athlete of fans in each state is. If you’re like me, you love shit like this. I can’t stop looking at these maps, I just can’t look away. But as I write this, I have not even looked at the map, I have only seen headlines for it. Therefore, I will guess who is the most popular athlete from each state, and see how many I can get right. Feel free to play along before you look at the map.
Maine – Tom Brady
New Hampshire – Tom Brady
Vermont – Taylor Coppenrath
Massachusetts – Tom Brady
Rhode Island – Tom Brady
Connecticut – Shabazz Napier
New York – Carmelo Anthony
New Jersey – Derek Jeter
Pennslyvania – Lesean McCoy
Delaware – Joe Flacco
Maryland – Chris Davis
Virginia – RG3
West Virginia – Geno Smith
Kentucky – Anthony Davis
North Carolina – Cam Newton
South Carolina – Javadeon Clowney
Georgia – Julio Jones
Florida – LeBron James
Alabama – LeBron James
Mississippi – Drew Brees
Louisiana – Drew Brees
Tennessee – Peyton Manning
Ohio – LeBron James
Michigan – Calvin Johnson
Indiana – Paul George
Illinois – Patrick Kane
Wisconsin – Aaron Rodgers
Minnesota – Zach Parise
Iowa – LeBron James
Arkansas – LeBron James
Missouri – Adam Wainwright
Kansas – Paul Pierce
Nebraska – Ndonakun Suh
Texas – Dez Bryant
Oklahoma – Kevin Durant
South Dakota – Adrian Peterson
North Dakota – Adrian Peterson
Montana – Peyton Manning
Wyoming – Peyton Manning
Colorado – Peyton Manning
Utah – Gordon Heyward
Nevada – Colin Kaepernick
California – Kobe Bryant
Oregon – Damian Lillard
Washington – Marshawn Lynch
Alaska – LeBron James
Hawaii – LeBron James
Arizona – Larry Fitzgerald
New Mexico – LeBron James
Idaho – Russell Wilson
Whenever I couldn’t think of who a state would like the most, I just went with LeBron. ESPN wouldn’t be giving us constant LeBron updates if people out there weren’t watching it. Yes, most of them are from loser states that no one cares about, but they’re still people. Let’s look at what the map really looked like.
Alright, so I was way, way off. Twenty four states picked LeBron James?? This is why the terrorists hate us, people. What is there to like about LeBron if you don’t live in Florida? He’s a narcissistic Nancy Boy, who can only win championships when he combines forces with other superstars. I love how our (Boston’s) basketball team is terrible here, but five of the six New England states still resisted the urge to do the unthinkable. This is why we are the best part of the country, and why God clearly likes us more than everyone else. This is why we are constantly graced with duck boat parades and stories of redemption.
Let’s first go over the states we got right…
Maine, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Massachusetts all picked Tom Brady. Because, why wouldn’t they pick the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL?
Colorado, Montana, Wyoming, Tennessee all picked Peyton Manning. Montana was the hardest. If you live in Montana, how far does it take you to get to your closest professional team? And why would anyone ever wanna live there. Tennessee was an obvious pick because the last time they were relevant in football he was wearing Volunteer orange.
North Dakota and South Dakota both picked Adrian Peterson. Figured people there would go for Minnesota teams, because who else would they root for?
Wisconsin picked Aaron Rodgers. Because, of course they picked Aaron Rodgers.
West Virginia took Geno Smith because obviously he’s the only famous individual to come out of West Virginia without having to be 16 and pregnant.
Kevin Durant taking Oklahoma is probably the easiest pick on the board.
Florida, Alabama, Ohio, Arkansas and Alaska all picked LeBron James. Florida was a gimme, but I contemplated Tebow. Alabama, I contemplated A.J. McCarron. Ohio was a no brainer, althought I thought about taking A.J. Green. Arkansas was LeBron by default because I have a hard time believing that kids there are still rocking the Corliss Williamson jersey. And Alaska? Unless people there are still going bonkers for Trajan Langdon, it just had to be LeBron.
California picking Kobe Bryant was unfortunately all too predictable. Realistically they should have picked Blake Griffin, Chris Paul, or Colin Kaepernick, but no one cares about the team that’s actually relevant (Clippers), and even less people in California give a shit about football.
The rest of the 30 states I got wrong. Here’s a quick run down.
Minnesota picked Adrian Peterson. Solid choice, but I just figured everyone there lived, breathed, and at hockey. Zach Parise is not only from Minnesota, but plays for the Wild. Then again AP is literally the only thing that’s keeping the Vikings from becoming the Jaguars.
Illinois picked Derrick Rose. I contemplated picking him, but figured the people in Chicago were smart enough not to pick a guy who never, ever plays. Thought they’d pick someone from their NHL team who has won two of the last four Stanley Cups. Apparently they value guys in street clothes over pure winners in Chicago though. Probably why they deserve the Cubs.
Vermont picked Tiger Woods. Wasn’t even thinking about golf but this actually makes sense. I picture a lot of the wine and cheese crowd dominating the sports scene up there. Still, how could they not give it up for the only guy who made their state relevant in the last 10 years? Taylor freaking Coppenrath.
Washington picked Russell Wilson. I picked Marshawn Lynch, so that was pretty close. Guess it makes sense that they wouldn’t pick the introverted running back.
Texas picked Johnny Manziel. In hindsight, this makes perfect sense. I was gonna pick Tony Romo, but I figured the people of Texas knew better than that. But no love for Tim Duncan people? Only the greatest player of our generation.
Nevada picked Kobe Bryant, which isn’t that surprising I suppose. Nevertheless, Colin Kaepernick is from there and went to school there, and he’s playing in the state next door to them. Disgraceful.
Kansas and Kentucky both picked Andrew Wiggins. Kansas I guess is understandable, although all he did was use them for a year and win absolutely nothing for the Jayhawks. Ketucky though? Wiggins is from Toronto, and played college ball in Kansas. So yea, that makes perfect sense Kentucky. This is why Kentucky can’t have nice things.
Hawaii picked Manti Te’o, which is easily the biggest oversight I made. Pacific islanders stick together like no other peoples.
Indiana and New Mexico picked Peyton Manning. New Mexico was a hard one, I have no idea who people root for out there. Could’ve been Arizona, any team from Texas or any team from Denver. But Indiana? They picked the guy who hasn’t played for them in two years, and won as many Super Bowls as Trent Dilfer, over Paul George, the guy who led them to the top seed in the East this year? Nice going Indiana.
Mississippi, Louisiana, Utah, Arizona, Idaho, Oregon, Nebraska, Missouri, Georgia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Michigan, New York, New Jersey, all picked LeBron James? What a bunch of frauds all of you people in all of those states are.
- Hey Louisiana, the only reason anyone gives a shit about you is Drew Brees and the Saints and how they lifted you people up after Katrina.
- Mississippi, this actually makes sense. You people are by far the dumbest in the country. Basically a third world country. You don’t know any better.
- Hey Utah, you only have the Jazz. That’s it. And your best player is a tall white guy, which you people obviously love. And you still chose LeBron? Because that makes perfect sense.
- Arizona, you have one of the best wide receivers in the NFL the last ten years, and you picked LeBron? You obviously don’t deserve Larry Fitzgerald, so feel free to send him up this way where people actually appreciate a winner.
- Idaho, you are an irrelevant state, but you’re close to Seattle. Kind of. Newsflash – LeBron James gives zero fucks about Idaho.
- Oregon, your only team is the Trailblazers. You should be all aboard the Damian Lillard train. Picking LeBron over someone from your own team is a perfect example of why you people shouldn’t have a team.
- Nebraska, Ndonakun Suh is the best defensive linemen in football, and he played football for your Huskers. But you have plenty of corn. At least you’ve got that going for you.
- Missouri, if you idiots paid attention to your hockey team you’d realize you have one of the best teams in the NHL. You clearly don’t deserve them.
- Georgia, how do you not pick someone from the Falcons? Julio Jones is a southern boy too. Then again, you gave us Jimmy Carter, so not totally surprised.
- North Carolina, not picking Cam Newton is simply unforgivable. He is the only reason football is at all relevant in your state.
- South Carolina, you continue to be a disgrace.
- Virginia, how do you not pick RG3? Or John Wall? The guy who is actually leading your basketball team to the playoffs.
- Delaware, not only is Joe Flacco the only relevant person to ever come out of Delaware, he also won a Super Bowl for a team that plays an hour away from you. Of course you gave us Joe Biden. Of course you did.
- Maryland, you have one of the best power hitters in baseball that made your baseball team relevant again. But yea, keep picking LeBron. This is why Marlo Stanfeld runs your crappy state.
- Pennsylvania, you had so many good choices – Sidney Crosby, Andrew McCutcheon, LeSean McCoy. And you chose LeBron? Guess I couldn’t expect much more from a state who still worships a guy who enabled and protected a child molester for two decades.
- Michigan, how do you not pick Megatron? Or how about Triple Crown winner Miguel Cabrera? Or either Cy Young winner Justin Verlander or Max Scherzer? Or Matthew Stafford? Or Trey Burke? Or Jimmy Howard? Anyone but LeBron. You had so many good choices. This is why you people are always getting bailed out by the federal government.
- New York and New Jersey? Seriously bro? Seriously? I had more faith in you guidos. I thought you people LOVED your Yankees bro? Turns out you were the frauds we thought you were the whole time.
- Connecticut, you continue to be the biggest fraud state in the union, and a giant scourge on this country. You are clearly a state with no identity, because you picked a player who you have absolutely no affiliation with. You couldn’t even pick one of the guys who led your team to a National Championship in basketball? UConn basketball is literally the only thing your state has going for it. If it wasn’t for the casinos and the Merritt Parkway, we would’ve used your worthless state for testing atomic bombs. Everything negative I’ve ever said about your craptacular state was confirmed when you picked LeBron.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.