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The New England Patriots learned a very important lesson yesterday regarding social media. Particularly they’re probably gonna have to re-evaluate whoever the hell is running their Twitter handle, @Patriots. Basically they screwed up by having some stupid contest to see who could be the one millionth moron to follow them on Twitter. Whoever that lucky person was would get their Twitter handle on the back of a Patriots jersey that doesn’t really exist:
I’m not gonna lie, if I had known about this ahead of time I would’ve spent all day hitting “follow”, “unfollow” until I got my name on this. Can you imagine the state of the Turtleboy Sports revolution if @Turtleboysports was all over the world wide internets? Even Bob Kraft would be riding the turtle.
Well, it turns out some other dingleberry out there was thinking the same thing as me, except he or she had a much different twitter handle. Here’s the guy who won:
Ooooohhhhhhhh. Well, that’s awkward. This isn’t the first time this idiot of no significance whatsoever has made the news. Whoever runs this account isn’t exactly the most influential person in the world, but among their less than 100 followers a year ago was someone that might be considered famous:
Ouch. Double Awkward.
So last night the Patriots released the token apology tweet:
Oh God, not this again. Newsflash – you guys got outsmarted by some kid in his mother’s basement. You don’t have to apologize for that. This is pretty similar to what happened back in May when more acne faced losers tweeted a bunch of racist shit about the Montreal Canadiens’ PK Subban, and then the Bruins had to issue an apology. We were the first source that figured out that those tweets were generated by this collection of horny virgins:
Look, Twitter and Facebook are like Vegas. Whatever happens there, stays there. Sometimes your twitter automatically tweets a racist Twitter handle. Shit happens. It’s not something that anyone of any significance even has to acknowledge happened.
Oh yea, and I just wanna say that this whole “race to 1 million followers” thing is the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen. See, THIS is what’s wrong with social media. The Patriots are turning this into some sort of bullshit contest, as if it MATTERS that we’re the first team in the NFL to have 1 million followers. They’re the most POPULAR girl in the whole school!!!!
But nevertheless they did it, and shit happened. Big deal. They erased it and it’s time to move on with life, right? Oh wait, you mean the rest of the country and Patriots haters are using this as an opportunity to point out how racist we are again? Get out of town!!!
I don’t know if there’s a more overplayed and inaccurate cliche in the world than this whole “Boston is a racist city” jive. Why? Because Bill Russell had someone break into his home in the 60’s? That might’ve had to do with the fact that he’s fucking rich. Nah, that can’t be it, obviously racism. Or my personal favorite – the busing riots!! Because judging an entire city by what a bunch of white trash from Southie did in 1973 seems like a rational way to judge an entire population.
The bottom line is this – they hate us, because they ain’t us. All we do is win. Period. Kids walking the streets of Revere and Quincy can’t even fathom what it’s like to watch the Patriots go (gasp) 7-9. Like, it’s borderline incomprehensible. They’ve never seen it before. Meanwhile every other city in America has to watch their teams either go through good stretches and bad stretches (Giants, Steelers, 49ers, Colts), prolonged periods of mediocrity (Bengals, Chargers), or outright shame and embarrassment (Bills).
So naturally then they’re gonna jump on any opportunity to bring us down. Obviously their crap happy teams can’t do what Brady and company have done for 15 years, so they gotta take what they can get. And the Patriots Twitter account using an automated machine to spit out a Tweet like this is the best they can do.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.
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