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New England Patriots Ready To Facialize Denver Broncos In AFC Championship

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So I’ve avoided any cliche Denver Broncos-New England Patriots analysis because quite frankly you’ve heard all about it. There’s not much to say that hasn’t been said. And quite frankly, this is a family and humor blog, and there’s nothing funny about Manning vs. Brady playoff meeting #4. This is all business. Like, I won’t be able to say, “Oh well, it’s just sports” if the Patriots lose this game. I’ll be traveling to the great city of Worcester to watch the game tomorrow with some local boobs, and you can rest assured that if the Patriots don’t win tomorrow, hearts will be broken, furniture will be destroyed, and hangovers will hurt a lot more the next day.

Look, I realize why the Patriots are underdogs in this game. The last time we beat them 34-31 it was at home, and Julius Thomas wasn’t playing. Nonetheless, the Patriots took a giant dump on themselves in the beginning of that game and dug themselves a giant hole that Brady got them out of. I’m not predicting the Patriots win this game because that would most likely curse them, but here’s some of the reasons I like them……

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It’s us against them again. The Patriots haven’t been a playoff underdog in a while. And they certainly haven’t been hated as much as they are now. All week I’ve listened as another “poll” was released that proved how much everyone hates us for our amazingness. Tom Brady is the most disliked quarterback in football. Peyton Manning is the most liked quarterback in football. Bill Belichick is the least likable coach in football. Awesome. Brady and Belichick live for shit like this. You wanna hate us and make us 5 point underdogs? That’s fine, we’ll just scheme and figure out a way to kick your ass.

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Jack del Rio is now and always has been a terrible defensive coach. Tom Brady’s career stats against Jack del Rio coached teams: 17 TD’s, 0 interceptions. His record? 7-0. Brady has no weapons? That’s cool, before 2007 he never really had any weapons and all he did was win three Super Bowls. I’m calling right now that there will be a heavy dose of Danny Amendola tomorrow. He’s so due. When he’s healthy he can be a difference maker. He’s going for 10 catches and two touchdowns tomorrow. Lock it up.

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The Broncos had a rally. The Patriots did not. Oh you guys had a rally because Peyton Manning finally equalled Tim Tebow’s playoff win total in a Denver uniform? That’s cute. We usually wait until after we win. But hey, you were only 10 point favorites against the mighty 9-7 San Diego Chargers, so just having the honor to play against Tom Brady and the Patriots again is reason to celebrate. I guess?

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This game matters a lot more for Manning than it does for Brady. Manning broke every record in NFL history this year. Cool story bro. Brady did that once too and then your idiot brother threw a lucky pass to a no name receiver who caught it on his helmet. The rest is history. Think those records keep Brady warm at night when he has chills about 18-1? Nope. If Brady loses this game then his record will be 10-5 all time against Manning. Still the clear winner. But if Manning loses this game then his legacy is forever tarnished (even more than it already is). He’ll go down as the guy who broke every record possible because he was surrounded by the best weapons in the game. But he’ll also go down as the second best quarterback of his generation. The debate, which isn’t really a debate to begin with, will officially be over. Brady > Manning.

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Bill Belichick is going to shove spygate up everyone’s keesters. The spygate routine is the knee jerk response from idiots who don’t know anything about football. I get it though. The fact that the Patriots have been so dominant for SO long can be very confusing to people who don’t watch them. They could do some actual research and try to model their teams based off of how the Patriots have built their franchise. But then again it’s a lot easier to say “spygate” and call it a day. Once again, trying to steal your opponents signals was always a part of the game. The only reason it even became a story is because Eric Mangini is a loser coach who betrayed the man who taught him everything about football. Never mind the fact that since spygate all the Patriots have done is win. Sure they haven’t won a Super Bowl, but all they’ve done is make it to two of them, along with four AFC Championship games. How’d they do that without “cheating”?

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John Elway is a giant dooshnozzle. For all the people that want to claim the Patriots cheated here are some facts about the Broncos. 1) The Broncos circumvented the NFL’s salary cap in 1997 and 1998 in order to pay Elway and Terrell Davis. They were fined $1 million and forfeited a third round draft pick. Funny how that never comes up. 2) John Elway was drafted #1 in the 1983 NFL draft by the Baltimore Colts and refused to play with them because he “didn’t want to play for an east coast team.” Like the baby he is he pouted and said he was going to play baseball for the New York Yankees if the Colts didn’t trade him. Is there any dooshier move than that? Refusing to play for the team that drafted you because you don’t like the east coast, and then threatening to play baseball for an east coast team known for it’s overall dooshnozzelry? Doesn’t get much worse than that. So next time someone says that Patriots haven’t won since spygate, remind them that the Broncos won two Super Bowls because their MVP was a spoiled brat who was being paid under the table and threatened to take his ball and go home if he didn’t get to play for the team of his choice.

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The Denver Post actually published this the other day: 

New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick is a grumpy genius. He’s Gru, the super villain from “Despicable Me.” … During the past week, media cartoonists have drawn Belichick in even more ridiculous colors. The Wall Street Journal reported Coach Hoodie smiled only seven times during 16 postgame interviews this season. Former Pittsburgh Steelers coach Bill Cowher… declared him the best coach in league history.  And so, the myth goes…  Here’s what I don’t get: If cyclist Lance Armstrong has been exiled as a shameless cheater and home run king Barry Bonds feels the wrath from 65 percent of indignant Hall of Fame voters, why is Belichick celebrated despite Spygate, which accused his Patriots of stealing defensive signals from the New York Jets?…

In the win-or-be-eaten-alive-by-Twitter world of the NFL, [John] Fox dares to show players and fans alike a little piece of his heart. Belichick would rather show the unwashed masses his disdainful arrogance. This does not necessarily mean Fox is a better person than Belichick. But it might help to explain why Fox’s heart broke during the team’s bye week and he had to be rushed to the hospital for repairs. Could it be that Uncle Foxy takes everything in the NFL to heart, while Coach Hoodie drops his football problems at the curb for the garbage man? There’s no way of me knowing for certain. Maybe you should ask New England linebacker Brandon Spikes, hurt and feeling abandoned in the Patriots’ run to the Super Bowl. At age 32 and with more brutal blows to the head than he would care to remember, Wes Welker isn’t the receiver he used to be. Belichick let Welker walk from New England. Fox took Welker off the street and made him feel wanted in Denver.

This guy can’t possibly be serious right? Where to start? How about the fact that Lance Armstrong and Barry Bonds took steroids which drastically improved their statistics. All Belichick did before spygate was win. All he’s done afterwards is win at the same rate.

Belichick doesn’t smile? John Fox does? Well I guess if that’s what you idiots value. Out in New England we prefer winning to smiling. We’re f***ed up like that.

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John Fox’s heart broke because he’s a nice person? Who wrote this? Yea dude, pretty sure his heart didn’t actually break, and the fact that he went to the hospital had nothing to do with him being a nice guy. But what do I know? I’m just an idiot form New England who believes in stupid things like science and medicine.

Belichick hurt Brandon Spikes’ feelings? Oh no!!! You can never hurt anyone’s FEELINGS!!! Didn’t Belichick get the memo? Sure Spikes is a giant ass who never comes to practice, is slower than molasses, and worst of all, played for Florida. But nevertheless, Belichick was obviously a big meanie for benching Spikes and putting in Jamie Collins. Yes, Collins was freaking superman last week against the Colts, but it doesn’t change the fact that Belichick isn’t very nice!!!

As for Welker, I love Welker. But the fact is that he’s a proven choker. It was dumb to let him go and I’d take him back in a heartbeat. But the prospect of Welker dropping a pass to cost the Broncos the game tomorrow gets me all warm in my loins.

Patriots 31, Broncos 28.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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1 Comment(s)
  • matt
    January 18, 2014 at 5:27 pm

    Pats 38- Broncos 31

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