WTF

New Years Eve: Expensive, Overrated Night With Eurotrash

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New Years Eve always has been and always will be the most overrated holiday of the year. There’s all this pressure to have this legendary night that never happens, and in the mean time you spend way too much money, stand in lines that are way too long, and you’re forced to be around people who suck at life. Nothing better illustrates my point than “clubs” like “Royale Boston” that charge you for tickets and offer “VIP” services to wannabe ballers from all over:

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I would rather Occupy Wall Street than pay $150 for VIP tickets to a night club that’s probably gonna require me to take out a second mortgage in order to get drunk on New Years Eve. And how much of a moron do you have to be to by the $40 ticket to come in after 12:30? Think about that for a second. You’d be there for exactly one hour while they’re serving alcohol. And for that privilege it would cost you $40. No drinks included with that though. You’re literally just paying for the privilege of standing next to a bunch of Euro-trash that just got their eyebrows touched up that day for the big event.

My question is, are you really having $300 worth of fun by going out to a place like this on NYE? Because for $300 you better be getting to at least third base in order to for it to pay dividends. Let’s be honest. For every guy in America the possibility of a night cap HJ is literally the only point in going out. If it weren’t for the slim chance that you’d actually be getting lucky at the end of the night then there would be no point in going out. Sure, it almost NEVER works out the way you planned. But the remote possibility still exists, so you go out on New Years Eve anyway.

But there’s a million ways you can have a good time on New Years Eve without paying $300. And after paying for the “tickets,” “VIP,”  cabs, man-scaping, overpriced drinks, and your $120 t-shirt, you’re probably gonna spend more like $500. And for what? To hang out with these guys at Royale?

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Looks like fun.

Seriously though, 99% of the time you’re left with a hangover and blue balls. There’s plenty of time for that when you’re married. I don’t really go out much anymore, but if I did, I’d be having a Blarney New Years Eve this year. I know I’m basically giving them free advertising right now, but you’ll never get drunker for cheaper than you will at the Blarney. And if you’re like I was back in the day, you’re looking for one thing, and one thing alone in your women – mediocrity. That’s the whole purpose of drinking. Turning mediocre babes into junior smokeshows. Two $4 Blarney long islands always do the trick. You’ll be making out with some Clark girl who doesn’t love you in no time (preferably someone who didn’t occupy Lincoln Square last month).

I think the best part about being a grown ass man is that I don’t have to pretend that night clubs are cool anymore. Back when I was 19 I used to go to this magical place called “On the Rocks.” It was the only place my shitty, shitty ID worked at. But places like that and Royale play techno music until your brain explodes. It’s literally impossible to talk to anyone, which I think they do on purpose because these guys have nothing interesting to talk about

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The goal fore these dooshnozzles is to try to look as fancy as possible in order to impress the Israeli girls in cocktail dresses. Naturally these babes wanted nothing to do with some Goober like myself with a backwards hat draped from head to toe in the finest American Eagle apparel from the clearance rack.

Another thing that’s great about the Blarney is there’s no dancing. When the music is too loud it’s because the DJ wants to be the center of attention. Hey asshole, my dance moves consist mainly of slowly creeping up behind a strange girl and commencing with the bump and/or grind. By playing the music so loud my only play is dancing. That’s not the strength of the white boy. I just MIGHT be able to pull in some mediocrity on New Years Eve but that would require me being able to talk to a girl without shouting in her ear and watching her clear away the spit while she says, “WHAT????

Last thing. I just wanna talk about the most legendary New Years Eve of all time. It was NYE ought one going into ought two. We were on Southgate St, which is a lovely cut through street that hookers use to shoot up while they’re on break. When you’re 20 years old and you’re looking for a party there are very few friends who actually have their own place, so you take what you can get.

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But the problem with partying on Southgate St is when the neighborhood kids showed up. Now these were some legit gangsters. We were cool with them, but only because we gave them daps and avoided eye contact. They called my friends the “Corporation” on account of our fancy health care, lack of children, and plans for the future.

Well one of the corporates fucked up around 12:30 that night when he slammed the door to the 2nd floor apartment in some girl’s face. Turns out the girl was someone’s baby momma. Since my buddy was a 22 year old South High grad, he was obviously crazy and thought he was invincible. Naturally then he thought it wise to accept the challenge to fight the neighborhood street toughs in the back yard for what he thought would be a  one on one fight. These things NEVER end up as one on one on Southgate street though. It ended with him going down in flames while Canterbury Street School’s finest alumni reigned blows down upon him.

Once word got inside to the other corporates that this kid was jumped, let’s just call him “Billy,” shit hit the fan. The disadvantage for the corporates were that they weren’t crazy enough. The Southgate street kids had nothing to lose, and there isn’t anything scarier than a Main South kid with nothing to lose. The teams weren’t fair.

So when round two broke out inside the house it was like a World Star Hip Hop video except almost everyone was at least partly white. I watched as a china hutch was purposely downed on top of some poor drunk girl decked out in her finest Abercrombie vest. I saw people hiding in closets as plates were then thrown across the room in abject chaos. I tried to find refuge in one of the bedrooms only to discover a bunch of 13 year old junior street toughs emptying my buddies closet of it’s clothing. The whole thing lasted ten minutes and we were left to look at a completely destroyed apartment with blood everywhere. It was AWESOME.

So tonight I’m happy to say that I’m old and loving it. I’ll be drinking wine with Mrs. Turtleboy and playing Cards Against Humanity. And it will be free, and I will be drunk, and merry times will be had by all. So if you turtle riders heed my advice for tonight I guarantee you a happy new year.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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4 Comment(s)
  • FACTMAN
    January 2, 2015 at 9:50 am

    No one over 30 even considers going to bars on NYE.

  • Alison fancey
    January 2, 2015 at 12:58 am

    Well I just so happened to be there that same night…uh….over 15 years ago and my friend got a door slammed on her face by someone who was not a resident of the house- someone who just thought they were cool for 1/2 a second and what happened to him after that might have saved him in the FUTURE because if he went on with his ‘life’ thinking he can slam doors on peoples faces FOR NO REASON and get away with it- had he lived his life thinking that’s ok- someone else might have had to teach him with excessive force. The fact that this story after soooo many years is even being talked about is just awkward. If this particular party that happened 15+ years ago with a bunch of 15 year old kids is still on someone’s mind means to me…uh….that someone needs to get out there and experience life a little more. The only reason I remember this party is cuz it’s the first time I got drunk off Zima!

  • sophia
    January 1, 2015 at 7:08 am

    Omg I think I was there that night. Was it the house with the 2 garages built in n the living area on 2nd floor?? I completely forgot about that til reading this. I remember a nice China cabinet getting knocked over n the house was destroyed. I felt bad about the house getting messed up because all fights should be taken outside out of respect. The owner was a very nice guy n didn’t deserve it but I wouldn’t agree with u saying it was the main south dudes fault. The corporates were drunk n did not know how to act. It was not their house 2 be slamming doors in people’s faces. That is common sense. That is disrespectful n if they didn’t know that they needed to learn a lesson. The ‘main south tough guys’ were good friends with the owner of the home n that’s y he said to take it outside. My recollection was the corporates were mad their friend got it handed to him n they started fighting in the house breaking stuff. I grew up in main south n I’m a Lil white girl. No ever bothered me cuz I know how to mind my business n be respectful. I have seen a lot of fights happen because people like the corporates say or do unnecessary things to people they don’t even know!! Ecspecially drunk ones. I don’t understand how they don’t know better. Basically what I’m trying to say is ‘main south’ does not just terrorize people 4 no reason. Parents need to start teaching their kids respect n to mind their own business (unless it’s an excruciating circumstances.) Im assuming these kids don’t even respect their parents but I’m not gonna say that is a fact cuz I don’t know them like that. Just like u don’t know main south like that. I’ve also seen it in bars. Guys that fall in the corporate category talk shit get knocked out but it’s the person from the bad neighborhoods fault in the cops eyes. You writing this just gives more reason 4 people to think that just give u live in a certain neighborhood ur the bad guy. Now what would this world be like if we just let everyone say what they want to us n slam doors in our faces

  • Chris B
    December 31, 2014 at 9:21 pm

    Your right nothing scarier than a main south hood with nothing to lose. Love that it all goes down in Main South 01603 baby have to bring in the zip in your next post

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