Sports

New York Yankees Sign Jacoby Ellsbury To Hilariously Stupid Deal

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The Yankees just made Jacoby Ellsbury the second most overpaid player on their team. Unfortunately for them Magic Johnson doesn’t have any more players left to give them once this deal completely fails, because he already gave away half his farm system to the Red Sox.

In probably the most predictable story in the history of the world, it has been reported that now former Boston Red Sox outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury is skipping town to play for the highest bidder: the New York Yankees. No offense, but if you didn’t see this one coming from a mile away then Obama should trade you to the North Koreans for a pack of sour starburst because you’re of no practical use to this country. I’m already seeing Red Sox “fans” outraged all over Twitter and Facebook. Like this babe:

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You know what’s wrong with what this girl said? Everything. First of all, your pinkhattery is given away by the “#boyfriend.” So many things wrong with this I don’t know where to start. First of all, if you’re surprised by this then you’re obviously not familiar with the concept of free agency. Ya see in a fee market people can agree to work for whatever wages other people are willing to pay for their services. You don’t like that system? Move to Communist Finland.

Secondly, if your favorite player on the Red Sox was Jacoby Ellsbury you’ve already shown the table your pink hat card. Ask a pink hat who their favorite player is and it never fails: Ellsbury. No one ever says Koji Uehara, John Lackey, or Jon Lester. Guess what? All of those guys were much, much bigger reasons the Red Sox won the World Series. What did you pink hats like about a player who sat out games whenever he got a boo-boo? What did you like about a player who hit over 10 home runs once? What did you like about a player who had no affiliation with the city of Boston besides the fact that its baseball team legally owned his rights? He never spoke. He couldn’t even grow a real beard. If you developed any sort of emotional attachment to any professional athlete, never mind Jacoby Ellsbury, then someone should follow you around all day with a giant gong and hit it with a hammer every time you speak – lest you think anything you have to say is rational.

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I absolutely love the Red Sox, but I would do the exact same thing he did and so would all of you. I can already hear the nudniks saying, “Nope, I could never play for the Yankees.” Horsefeathers. Poppy-cock. Shananigans. You would play for the Yankees and you would enjoy every minute of it. Then you’d go home to your Manhattan apartment and take a bath in hundred dollar bills. It’s easy to say you’d turn down the money when you know there is a zero point zero percent chance you’d ever be put in that scenario.

The main reason no Red Sox fan should be remotely upset about this is the money. He’s getting paid $153 over seven years!! That’s $22 million per folks. The Yankees now have the two worst contracts in MLB. Luckily for them A-Rod is going to be off the books eventually. Ellsbury will be in pinstripes until he’s 37. The myth of Jacoby Ellsbury is that he’s some sort of five tool player with speed and power. He’s not. He had one “magical” season in 2011 in which he miraculously found a way to hit home runs. And by magical I mean he was juicing his face off because he wanted to make $153 million some day. That season he hit 32 home runs. In his other six MLB seasons COMBINED he hit 33 home runs. He’s not a power hitter. He’s a wannabe Kenny Lofton that dingleberries from around here fooled themselves into thinking was some sort of Hall of Famer.

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Let’s look at the stats for just a moment. Ellsbury has been in Boston for six full seasons. Guess how many years he played at least 135 games? Three. How many times has he hit double digit home runs? Once. How many times has he hit over 60 RBI? Once. He steals a lot of bases, so that means he scores runs right? How many times has he scored more than 100 runs? Once. Edgar Renteria scored 100 runs in a Red Sox uniform and he only had one season to do it in.

Anyone who is complaining about this also doesn’t pay much attention to what has and hasn’t worked for the Red Sox the past few seasons. Remember that guy named Carl Crawford? Well just like Ellsbury, he was thirty years old when he signed a gigantic contract as a free agent. But he actually cost $13 million less for two years. Guess how many double digit home run seasons he had going into that contract? Six. Guess how many 100 run seasons he had? Three. How about 60 plus RBI seasons? Five. Oh yea, and guess how many seasons he played in more than 140 games? Seven out of eight.

So basically Crawford was a better player,  played through aches  and pains, and cost much less money than Ellsbury. And I’m supposed to be upset??!!!  Nah, I’m good. Jackie Bradley Jr, plus whatever guy we sign for half the Jacoby money ought to do just fine next year for the defending World Series Champions.

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So why is Ellsbury getting this kind of loot? Simple: this is what the Yankees have been fooled into thinking works. There’s this myth out there that the Yankees won four World Series in five years (in the 90’s, pink hats) because they just spend more money than everyone else. Nope. They won with mostly home grown guys and good value, veteran free agent signings (kind of like Mike Napoli and Shane Victorino this year). Derek Jeter, Andy Petitte, Bernie Williams, Jorge Posada. Yankees from the get. Scott Brosius, Tino Martinez, Paul O’Neil. Those were the type of guys the Yankees signed when they used to win. As much as they’ve spent like crazy the last  twelve years (A-Rod, Mike Mussina, Mark Teixeira, C.C. Sabathia), they’ve got one Championship to show for it. The Red Sox have three.

The real winner in this isn’t the Red Sox or the Yankees – it’s Jacoby Ellsbury. He’s rich as shit and doesn’t have to play in a single game for the Yankees to get all of it. The Yankees have a  frequently injured outfielder who will get older by the day and costs way too much money. The Red Sox lost a serviceable leadoff hitter that they haven’t replaced yet. I dunno about y’all, but I know who I would Shin-Soo-Choo-Choo-Choose to take his place. So relax Red Sox fans, losing Wes Welker was a big deal. He was there for the same cheap money we gave another injured player named Danny Amendola. Unlike Welker, Ellsbury is replaceable and was nearly impossible to root for the past few seasons. He won’t be missed – unless you think he has a nice ass. In that case this is a very sad day for you.

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So what do you think? Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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Follow us on Twitter and on Facebook

If you like what you read then please SHARE this with other people who enjoy TurtleBoySports hot takes.

To follow via email just click on “Follow” on the upper right hand of the column, where it says “follow via email.

5 Comment(s)
  • Blong
    December 7, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    What happened to my grade comment? Not cool.

    • Blong
      December 7, 2013 at 12:56 pm

      Wrong blog, sorry…

      A- for this one

  • Chris Curtis
    December 5, 2013 at 12:39 am

    I just love how you can vote up or down for comments now. Sweet.

  • StePHen
    December 4, 2013 at 11:51 pm

    Joey G– technically, the Yanks outbid the Sox (very technically) to give A-Rod more money. BUT, other than that, your comment was spot on.

    Turtleboy– I agree with just about everything in your article. My only issue was your mention of Crawford. The Sox were drooling over Crawford for years. They finally got him, and they did NOT get what/who they expected. His signing to the Sox is actually fairly comparable to the Ellsbury signing– minus the length of the deal. However, seeing as it’s the Yankees, it has become too common to be shocked by.

  • Joey G
    December 4, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    I thought that the Steinbrenner boys were going to try to make the Yankees profitable by not overpaying players? I thought their goal was to get the payroll down and still try to contend? This has to be the dumbest thing they have done since they outbid… themselves to give Rodriguez more money. But yeah, this strategy works.

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