No, We Will Not Write Hit Pieces For Butthurt Ratchets Who Can’t Handle Mean Words On The Internet, No Matter How Much You Threaten And Beg Us

It all started earlier this week with this message:


We get these sort of requests in the inbox often enough to defy logic, and honestly, this is me being extremely decent, for me. Usually if I pick up a message like this I’m much more “Get off my lawn with your bullshit, dumpsterslug” about it, but hey, I can understand the principle of not bashing someone solely for being born without arms. “Rhode Island guttermuppets get into an argument on Facebook and use some mean words”, isn’t a headline, though. It’s what happens every single day of the year from the hours of 1pm – 3am. If I’m going to start writing these, why stop there? Why not “Guy In Fall River Loses 5 dollars on a scratch ticket” or “Feminist calls guy a Nazi”. No one cares, it’s not interesting to anyone but you. Blocking someone who upsets you = normal adult behavior. Expecting complete strangers to give a shit? Today’s breaking news: They don’t.

I left it at a solid, “No, but if she ever gets busted in the back of a blacked out 1999 Civic with bags of fentanyl hidden in her snatch, I’ll remember this post.” Which is pretty fucking generous, considering truth be told the only people on the planet who care about any of these losers less than me are their parents. Disabled or not, a bottom feeding ratchet is still a bottom feeding ratchet. Who insults who on social media is not of any concern to me.


But apparently message NOT received, because a few days later….

Knock, knock. Who’s there?


It’s not Ronnie! He can’t knock! He just congests peoples inboxes with riveting updates that no one wants.

The only way I’d ever consider covering a fight between Rhode Island garbage people and an armless vagrant is if it were a literal fight, captured on camera. That would be amusing. This is not. This is just a pathetic loser with a supremely sandy vagina and no arms to wipe it out with.

Then Ronnie made the supreme decision to get threatening with me because no one would ever want to read about how a group of chicks mortally wounded his angel-soft feelz….



And cracked the case of my identity! I’m Jackie, you guys. Or…some guy named…Steve??


Looks just like me….

Detective Nubs solved the cold case!


So…now, here we are. Congratulations, asshole. You got my attention. Here’s a pro tip, you literal fucking shit-for-brains. If you’re going to threaten to “shed light” on me, you should A. Know who the fuck I am so you can actually dig some dirt up (It’s there if you look, I promise, you’ll just have to go back about 8 years) and B. Not being a hopeless, flaming dumpsterfire of a loser.

The odds are not in his favor. We’re obviously not going in the direction he intended.

Ronnie, you’re not less of a man because you have a three piece finger meal where your arms should be, oh no. You’re less of a man because you are so traumatized by a few females hurting your frail little ego that you actually feel like it’s news. You’re less of a man because you actually threatened that your mommy was going to call the cops on some random trashbag I do not care about, over your sad emotions that I also do not care about. I usually don’t take swings at physical disability, but then again, I also usually don’t mock the mentally challenged, either. But here we are. You wanted to be on Turtleboy? Here, let me help you.


And that’s how much I give a shit about Ronnie’s feelings, really. I don’t discriminate – I’ll chew your ass up and spit it right out regardless of  your race, religion, nationality, color, creed, handicap or sexual preference.

I can guarantee one thing: no one out there is talking shit to Ratchetsaurus Rex over here solely based on any disability. It’s because he’s a fucking loser, and a dick.  Honestly, by all appearances, his disability hasn’t slowed him down at all. Seriously.  Look at all the things Ronnie learned to do without arms!


  1. Commit domestic assault,

2. Vandalize property,

3. Violate restraining orders:

4. Drive recklessly…. while presumably beating up yet another female companion?

That’s more multi tasking than a lot of able-bodied people can pull off!


5. Shoplift,

6. Drink 40oz malt liquor,


And Purple drank,

7. Smoke mad blunts, yo.


8. Appropriate other cultures.

9. Spend all day on Facebook butchering the English language with posts no one gives a fuck about on a profile completely open to the general public, because he’s never going to get a fucking job anyway.


Nothing says, “I am content being a useless drain on society” quite like face tattoos, after all. This guy is 110% living his best life despite his physical disability, arms or no arms this is where he was destined to peak. The ratchet lifestyle does not discriminate.

And of course, he harassed the women he wants us to call out for making fun of his little nubby arms and hurting his little soft and fragile feelings. Nice posts, like giving out their phone numbers online and threatening physical violence, before finally resorting to trying to use Turtleboy as some sort of weapon.



Smart move, Handito. I can promise you without even speaking to any of the broads involved here, you weren’t getting bashed for being disabled. You were getting bashed for being a worthless, unemployable, woman-beating maggot of a chronic failure in Bulls gear. That’s why.

But we’re really supposed to feel bad for him for being “bullied” so much he was “suicidal”, even though he mocks disabled people online himself, right?


Sorry, Detective Nubs, we’re not going to play your harassing women online game today, or tomorrow, or ever. You’re a waste of oxygen, get the fuck off my lawn.

33 Comment(s)
  • Detective Nubs
    July 27, 2019 at 11:25 pm

    Not sure if I am shocked or disappointed that he was arrested for shoplifting and not one mention of the five-finger discount!!

  • Frank Sinatra
    May 20, 2019 at 9:05 am

    Dube Dube Doo.

    Whaa whaa whaa. Go get yer GED. Learn some real written English. Stay away from ratchets. And learn to code.

  • Grow up
    May 19, 2019 at 9:28 pm

    Call him out for being a little bitch and a fuckin straight up bum. But to really make fun of his disability is sick. Lost a lot of respect for you. Was not necessary and pretty disgusting.

  • Gash Basher
    May 17, 2019 at 11:58 pm

    Hilarious he thought he could get away with shop lifting. Obviously everyone is already looking at the t-rex armed retard with face tats

  • george costanza
    That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow
    May 17, 2019 at 7:48 pm

    arrrgh! this feeble minded lad seems to be up arms with theses questionable lass’….sorry couldn’t help mes self

  • Anthony Grossi
    May 17, 2019 at 6:21 pm

    “You’re not less of a man because you have a three piece finger meal where your arms should be”. The first six words are on the right track, but are obliterated by the rest of the sentence. Please get a clue. I say this as a person with a limb birth defect and as a great admirer of TB.

  • William Weld
    May 17, 2019 at 2:32 pm

    What’re his thoughts on the 2nd amendment? Oh wait…come on….

  • "Appropriate other cultures"
    May 17, 2019 at 2:12 pm

    I don’t understand the need for this post. Lesson being, don’t bring leads to TBS. By the way, Bristol plays the ” voting Trump not because I like him but because the other side is crazy” card as a cop out. She either likes him, or is heavy liberal leaning and just pandering to TBS conservative leaned readers. Just a coward, even under the cloak of anonymity can’t give a straight opinion. “Appropriate other cultures”, that tells you everything you need to know about her feeling on race and politics.

    • Alan
      May 17, 2019 at 6:02 pm

      Maybe option c. Just like she said it. This post is funny, you seem butthurt. do you need some cream?

  • J. Biden
    May 17, 2019 at 11:10 am

    I’d love to shake his hand!

  • Dwight
    May 17, 2019 at 11:00 am

    Gross should not have read this while having breakfast.

  • Kim Wescott
    May 17, 2019 at 10:35 am

    How can he drive? How can he shoplift?

    This was savage!

  • Well, No Shit
    May 17, 2019 at 6:50 am

    Nice drumsticks, Quatto. Thank your mom for her drug use while pregnant.

    What did Ronnie get for Christmas?

    Gloves. Just Kidding! We don’t know, because he still hasn’t opened the box.

  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    May 17, 2019 at 4:25 am

    He drinks in the world’s smallest pub.

    The Thalidomide Arms.

  • Draco
    May 17, 2019 at 12:02 am

    How is this guy driving? His chin?
    I once did my driver’s ed hours with a PoC who was also a small person; we called her bridget the nidget (and/or midnight), and the teacher hit the breaks, from the passenger seat, every two seconds. I hit my head on the seat nonstop.

  • Taryn St Aubin
    May 16, 2019 at 11:09 pm

    I heard he gave an arm and a leg to get the turtles attention

  • Taryn St Aubin
    May 16, 2019 at 11:03 pm

    I don’t think he was able to grasp that this was a hard NO from Bristol

  • Benny hill
    May 16, 2019 at 9:47 pm

    Aye aye aye he looks armless.

  • Kirk Minihane
    May 16, 2019 at 8:29 pm

    Bristol, do his stumps still smell like that wretched cunt of yours?

  • franklin waters-baxley
    May 16, 2019 at 7:09 pm


  • COB
    May 16, 2019 at 7:07 pm

    I don’t get what he’s so up in arms about?

    Oh, my bad.

  • Another Ratchet
    May 16, 2019 at 6:25 pm

    I bet he never pays when he goes out to dinner.

    • Y
      May 16, 2019 at 7:16 pm

      Hahahaha, fn hilarious.
      Alligator/T-Rex arms!

  • Fred Knessl
    May 16, 2019 at 6:22 pm

    Wow. Just Wow. This fucking total waste of Oxygen and water is worth less than his missing fingers are. That hasn’t slowed him down on the ol’ Ratchet scale though.
    My mom lives down the street from him. It’s within sight of an Elementary School. In a rather nice neighborhood to boot. So what;s all this talk of ‘the hood’? Oh, you’re not welcome at your family’s house? I wonder WHY, OH WHY that is, you fucking Failure.
    You deserve every bit of imagined hell your White Middle Class ASS gets you Human Dildo!

  • Chris Seith
    May 16, 2019 at 5:55 pm

    His mom must’ve had an affair with Flipper.

  • Turtz McGurtz
    May 16, 2019 at 5:12 pm

    I love you Bristol. That is all.

  • bigdaddy
    May 16, 2019 at 5:07 pm

    How much can you shoplift with no arms? Must be able to only grab stuff he can fit in his stubby little what ever you cal it

  • Tom Brady's jock itch
    May 16, 2019 at 4:31 pm

    Would he give himself, the Bob Kraft lite

  • Tom Brady's jock itch
    May 16, 2019 at 4:29 pm

    Would be give himself, the Bob Kraft lite

    • Jeff J
      Eddy Scissormitts
      May 17, 2019 at 12:03 am

      You know he’s gone through his whole entire life being picked on. That WOULD NOT be fun. No wonder why he’s such a piece of shit. I actually feel a little sorry for the kid.

  • dball31211
    Stiff Pete
    May 16, 2019 at 4:27 pm

    When I was 16 I moved to Texas to live with my dad. He was a narcissistic asshole and the only advice he ever gave me was Never trust a cripple. In this case he was 100% on point.

  • Y
    May 16, 2019 at 4:19 pm


  • Travis Rearick
    Happy Together
    May 16, 2019 at 3:49 pm

    The amount of crimes he has been able to commit without arms or hands is astounding, this guy isn’t disabled with a criminal history like that.

    P.S. I’ll be checking back in frequently to see all of the clever puns you all hopefully dish out.

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