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President Obama took a break this morning from fixing the world’s problems and going really, really gray, to do the most important thing a president is constitutionally mandated to do: fill out his NCAA tournament bracket. We predicted what his bracket would look like earlier in the week. Turns out we freaking nailed it – per usual. Obama is a politician. His picks were all too predictable. Here they are.
We got 15 out of 16 of his Sweet 16 correct. The only one we missed was VCU beating UCLA. Just as we predicted he had the following:
- Florida in the Final Four. Obviously he would pick America’s most dysfunctional swing state in an election year.
- UNC upsetting Iowa State. Iowa has a big senate election this year for Tom Harken’s seat. And people in Iowa hate Iowa State. It’s like living in New York and rooting for the Mets. North Carolina though has a bunch of open congressional seats this year.
- Ohio State upsetting Syracuse. Because why wouldn’t he pick the state that’s produced seven presidents and is literally the most representative of the American population as a whole? By picking Syracuse he only pleases the asshats who went to Syracuse, and the ghetto fabulous idiots who still think Melo and G-Mac play for this team. Cuse fans are the worst – almost as bad as another loser school in poop from upstate New York.
- He had 12th seeded Harvard upsetting Cincinnati. Because campaigns don’t grow on trees, and someone has to donate the necessary funding to manipulate congressional elections nationwide.
- He had Arizona and Wisconsin in the Elite 8. Because everyone else in that bracket is useless to him politically. Both of these states have republican governors he has run afoul of. I figured he’d pick Wisconsin because he wants people there to hate Scott Walker as much as he does. But I should’ve realized that he owed Jan Brewer a solid in Arizona after she vetoed the Gay Wedding Cake Bill.
- He had Louisville over Duke to get to the Final Four, just as we predicted. He loves Louisville, and Duke is in North Carolina. No brainer.
- He had Arizona State upsetting Texas because he could give a shit less about anyone in Texas.
Of the 32 first round games we successfully predicted 28 of them. That’s insane. The only three we missed were UCLA (we had VCU), Memphis (we had George Washington), UMass (we had Iowa/Tennessee winner) and St. Joe’s (we had UConn). Kind of weird that all four games involve Atlantic Ten teams. At the same time Obama is your classic big conference guy. He’s probably busy trying to make sure that gay couples have cakes at their weddings, and trying to fix the Obamacare website, so he probably didn’t have much time to follow college basketball this season. Had he done so he would realize that the Atlantic Ten is officially a power conference now, and one that needs to be taken seriously.
In hindsight we should’ve realized he’d take UConn. But not taking the two Atlantic 10 schools in his backyard (VCU, GW), simply doesn’t make any sense. Maybe he’s mad at Spike Lee or something.
You know who else called this? Absolutely no one. Sure blogs of lukewarm temperature like Bleacher Report, SB Nation, and countless others REPORTED what he picked. But no one had the insight to call it out before it happened. There is only one place to get smoking hot takes on college basketball and politics, and it’s here at TurtleBoy Sports. Keep reading ya fat bastards.
Good news for UMass fans is that historically Obama’s pretty good at first round picks. I am a Minuteman fan in heat until opening tip off Friday at 2:45. Let’s F****ING do this!!! Go UMASS!!!!
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