The only question remaining now that the Patriots are going to do the Super Bowl is, should Turtleboy get a press pass to the game or is it better to stay home and get drunk and watch the Patriots win?
The best part about the Patriots bye week is that you realize that Pats are just that much better than every other team in the league. And it’s not even close either. This team actually got worse in the offseason by losing Revis, Browner, Ayers, and LaFell to injury. But thanks to Bob Kravitz, and the rest of the butthurt anti-Patriot, anti-freedom American public, they still improved. Because clearly the talent was there the whole time, but we just needed the motivation to unleash it to its full potential.
And at this point we can all admit that there is a 100% chance the Pats will be in the Super Bowl again this year, right? I mean, who’s gonna beat us? Who’s the second best team in the AFC? Believe it or not the answer is probably the Bengals. The Andy fucking Dalton Bengals are the only thing that stands between us and the Super Bowl. Picture them coming into Foxboro and winning in the playoffs. You can’t. It’s impossible to even begin to imagine that. Let’s look at why each division presents no challengers whatsoever:
- The Dolphins are an abortion sandwich. They just fired their head coach, they lost to the Goddamn Jaguars, and they just go their ass beat by the Jets.
- The Bills are coached by Rex Ryan, who once again blew a game because his team got 5 million penalty yards. But hey, at least they’re tough!!
- The Jets are the fakes 3-1 team to ever exist. Plus they’re quarterbacked by Ryan Fitzpatrick. Plus they’re the Jets. Every person in London who went to their stupid game against the Dolphins feels validated for liking soccer now.
- The Bengals are easily the second best team in the conference. But at the end of the day Andy Dalton is 0-4 in the playoffs, and they are still the Bengals.
- We saw what the Patriots can do to the Steelers when we try. And that’s when they have the rapist at quarterback. Without him they are a flaming pile of Pittsburgh poo.
- The Ravens should be 0-4. They are two Josh Scobee missed field goals away from having their season ended.
- The Browns are still the Browns. God clearly hates them for lighting the Cuyahoga River on fire. This is a team who was blessed with a missed 30 something yard field goal by the Chargers, only to be called for a penalty and watch him hit it on his second try.
- Someone has to win this division, and I still think it’s gonna be the Titans. But obviously a rookie quarterback isn’t a threat to the greatest team that ever existed in sports.
- I knew the Texans were gonna suck because I watched hard knocks. When you have two Tom Brady backups competing for the starting quarterback job, it means you don’t have a real starting quarterback. J.J. Watt cannot pass, catch, kick, and tackle.
- The Jaguars should be 2-2. I actually think they’re not the worst team in the league this year, which I haven’t been able to say in years. But still, it’s the Jaguars.
- The Colts are the fakest 2-2 team that has ever existed. They beat the Titans on a failed 2 point conversion. They beat the Jaguars on two missed field goals. They lost to the Bills and the Jets. I am getting aroused just thinking about what we are going to do to them in 12 days.
- This whole division is mediocre, and the Chargers are the most mediocre of them all. I wanna like Phil Rivers, but this defense blows. They allowed 31 points to the Vikings and 27 to the Browns. Think of what Tom Brady would do to them if someone whispered “PSI” in his ear.
- Everyone was all fired up about the Raiders after starting off 2-2. Derek Carr looks good, the defense looks good, and Amari Cooper and Michael Crabtree are an emerging receiving duo. Then they lost to the Jay Cutler Bears. Back to being the Raiders.
- They’re in last place but I still contest that the Chiefs are the best team in the division. They’ve lost to the Bengals and Packers, and they should’ve beaten the Broncos. But unfortunately they are coached by Andy Reid, so they are forever fucked.
- I can’t decide who is a faker 4-0 team – the Panthers or the Broncos. They got lucky this weekend and should’ve lost AT HOME against the Vikings. They were a flukey Jamal Charles fumble away from losing to the Chiefs. Their kicker single handedly beat the Ravens (who are also a joke). And their other win is against the winless Lions.
If I had to pick the 6 playoff teams right now it would be, 1. Patriots, 2. Bengals, 3. Broncos, 4. Titans, 5. Chiefs, and ………6. Bills. That’s the crap happiest AFC playoffs that will ever be played. Like I said, 0.0% chance we’re not back in the Super Bowl. The only question is, who are we playing?
- Everyone in the NFC East is a joke. The Cowboys were kind of real, but then they lost Romo and Dez. Pats by 97 this weekend.
- The NFC North is obviously the Packers for the taking, and I can’t imagine a scenario in which we don’t play them in the Super Bowl.
- The NFC South has two 4-0 teams – the Falcons and the Panthers. Yes, they’ve both looked good, but the Panthers have beaten absolutely nobody and have absolutely nobody for Cam Newton to throw to. I think the Falcons make it to the NFC Championship, but teams like Atlanta don’t make it to Super Bowls, let alone win one.
- The NFC West is still the best division in football. Any team can beat any team from that division in any week. Except for the 49ers, because they suck. Bad. Haven’t seen a team fall from grace that quickly in a long time. But clearly the Rams are afraid of no one, the Seahawks are still the Seahawks, and the Cardinals can be lights out a times.
Here’s who’s making the playoffs in the NFC – 1. Packers, 2. Falcons, 3. Seahawks, 4. Giants, 5. Cardinals, 6. Panthers.
Either way, the only question that remains is, will Turtleboy Sports be able to get a press pass to the Super Bowl this year? Because if so, we’re already there. Or would we better off not going and getting wasted and watching it with friends instead? It’s on my mind right now and I don’t know what to do. Serious question for the readers – would you rather watch the Patriots in the Super Bowl at home so you can get drunk and go crazy, or watch it in person in the press box, but you can’t get drunk and you have no one to celebrate with? I’m so confused.