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Remember back in May of 2013 when a funeral home in Worcester volunteered to do what no one else would do – bury Timon, the the Boston Marathon bomber/speedbump? It became a shit show when every blue-blooded nudnik in Worcester showed up at Graham, Putnam, and Mahoney Funeral Home to protest the fact that we were burying this asshat. It was CLASSIC Worcester. Well the guy who runs the place, Peter Stefan, is in the news again because apparently he’s writing a book.
That whole shitshow seems like a long time ago now, but let me tell you, it brought out some of Worcester’s FINEST. It all started because we had this idiot’s body and couldn’t figure out what to do with it. No one would bury the asshole. But he had to be buried somewhere right? I mean, this isn’t Goddamn Fallujah. We’re not gonna drag his ass down Cambridge Street from the back of a truck.
Of course his stupid mother couldn’t come to America for the body because she’s got a warrant out for her arrest. Also she raised two asshole terrorists, so she’d never make it out alive. And Stefan tried to ship the body to Russia, but whenever you involve the Russians shady things go down and it never ends up happening.
So Peter Stefan had to call the only man he could call to solve his problem – one of the greatest Americans to ever grace this great land:
Uncle freaking Ruslan. I remember the first time I heard this man speak. And it was glorious:
So many amazing quotes, including his thoughts on his nephews: “
They are losers!!”
The man oozes patriotism:
“This is the ideal microworld in entire world. I respect this country. I love this country. This country which gives chance to everybody else to be treated as a human being, and just to be human being, to fell yourself being human being. That’s what I feel about this country.”
His explanation of how he found out his nephews were terrorists:
“When they say ‘have you seen the pictures,’ my wife opened up internet, and on AOL I saw picture of Jafar.”
My wife opened up internet, and on AOL I saw picture of Jafar. Wow. Just wow. Uncle Ruslan you are the face of every old guy who doesn’t know how the Internet works. God bless your AOL-loving heart Uncle Ruslan.
His personal advice for Jafar while he lay hiding in his Watertown boat: “
I say Jafar, if you’re alive, I say turn yourself in. And ASK for forgiveness!!
And of course the great shame that Jafar has brought upon him:
“We’re not requiring forgiveness in this family. He put a shame on this family. He put a shame on the entire Chechen ethnicity.”
God bless you Uncle Ruslan.
Anyway the man himself had to drive all the way up from Maryland to take care of this stupid body. When he got here he was greeted by the finest Worcester had to offer. There was this America-loving son of a bitch:
There was the guy I always see stumbling outside of the Hotel Vernon:
And he apparently brought multiple signs with him:
But by far my favorite picture was this one:
Check out that cardboard sign. You notice anything missing? Apparently whatever genius designed that sign intended on writing, “
Why Worcester?” However, their planning could’ve been better. Because “Why Worcester?’ is a total of 14 characters. Ideally you’d have 7 on each side for it to fit and be symmetrical. But unfortunately they decided to use half the sign on “Why.” Then they realized they were out of room and just wrote “worceter.” Fuck it. It simply doesn’t get any more “worceter” than that sign.
This protest might be dumber than any protest organized by Robert Blackwell-Gibbs. Think about it. They’re protesting a dead body. Ya got that? Dead. He has to be buried somewhere, so who gives a shit if that somewhere is six feet under the ground in Worcester?
You know what happened to him a couple months after he got buried? Thousands of bugs figured out a way to get into his casket and they started to feast. Because that’s what happens to dead bodies. They get put in the ground and decomposed by bugs. And I’m supposed to be offended by this because they’re Worcester bugs instead of Russian bugs?
That’s why I’m NEVER getting buried. I haven’t written my will yet but you can best believe that my ass is getting cremated and thrown into Bennett Pool. It’s the only way to go out with dignity.
So my question is for these people, what would you like to do with the body? Check out this guy’s sign for his master plan:
Dump him in the ocean? This will make you sleep better at night? Because his body is being eaten by sea anemone rather than termites?
Then there were these geniuses:
The lovely lady in the black pants is gonna “unbury him?” What exactly does that entail? Are you telling me she’s gonna show up at the cemetary with a shovel and drag his ass out of there? Then what’s the plan after that? Tie him to the back of your 92′ Sentra and drag him around for the townspeople to see?
Oh yea, and that Puerto Rican flag makes TONS of sense. You got two Chechen dooshnozzles who killed three Americans and a Chinese girl, and you’re waiving a flag from a Caribbean island that had nothing to do with any of this. LOL. Worcester.
Anyway the only funeral director in America who would take on Timon the terrorist was Peter Stefan. And like any good American he is doing what he needs to do – finding a way to make money off this. The easiest way to do that is by writing a book, which he is about to release.
Here’s the thing though. As much as I respect the hell out of this guy for what he did…..what the hell is he gonna write an entire book about? According to his interview in the Telegram, “
People want to know what I did, who the hell I am and what I’ve been doing here for years,”
We wanna know who you are? I know who you are. You’re the guy that runs the funeral home and buried Timon the terrorist. I know what you’ve been doing for years. Working in the funeral home. Just cut out the rest and write the book about all the nudniks you had to deal with the week that Uncle Ruslan came up here. That’s the only part people are gonna read anyway.
Anyway, there’s something about the Boston Marathon bombing that tends to bring out Worcester’s finest and I saw one of the most glorious comments I’ve seen in a while on the Telegram’s Facebook page:
Serenity, you are a magical human being. Making Boston Marathon bombing jokes. Accusing someone of being a traitor but accidentally calling them a barterer. You just can’t make up that kind of dooshnozzelry. Turtleboy Management says I can’t post pictures from your Facebook page, but let me tell you, it is everything I thought it would be and more. Never change girlfriend. Never, ever change.
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