Please, Stop What You’re Doing Right Now And Read This Very Scary, Very Real Story About An Attempted Kidnapping In Springfield!

This is Jacqueline Nieves, of Springfield.

She has a harrowing tale to share with you all, right now. Please, pay attention, this is very serious and entirely plausible.

I live in Springfield. Yesterday, I was born again. I went to donate some clothes and pick up some items at the store. It was maybe 10:00 pm. I’m on Worthington and I took a right into Armory st. A man pops out of the woods throws something under my car and signaled a car behind me which was a white SUV. The SUV immediately put on high beams and tailed me nearly bumber to bumper. My car slowed down to a stop. A billion things run to mind as I have heard of this before. I could see someone on each side their car attempting to get out. I put my foot to the pettle and it moved little more until the car came to a complete stop in front of the Puerto Rican bakery. The SUV Stopped again right behind me and these guys attempted to get out the car. I prayed to god to please take me to the police. Miraculously, the car began to move again. I kept driving towards the rotary. God let me drive to the exit driveway of the State Trooper Barracks driveway. Then these guys took off as they realized they were at a police barracks. It was dark and I became really paranoid. It seemed as if nobody was around and thought these guys would come back to get me somehow. I becan to toot my horn uncontrollably. Finally, I got the guts to run out of my car to the barracks itself. I rang the door bell like a crazy woman. They let me in and I told the story. I was in an irradical, freaked out state. More law enforcement appeared and I repeated the story. I recognized one of the police officers. I told him what happened and he jumped on it. He and another pushed my car in the barracks.
My car doesn’t operate. I will need a mechanic. Ladies… it is exponentially dangerous out there. If you do t have to leave your home at night then don’t. There are a whole lot of crazy people out there. Who knows what would have happened to me, had I not listen to my instincts. God didn’t allow for me to be a growing statistic. They didnt want my car because why would they mess up my car on purpose? This stuff is going on all over the country and abroad. These people ask to help and next thing you know you are at an ATM withdawing money, raped, murdered, trafficked or an organ donor. You never know! Be vigilant and if something like this happens to you, DON’T LET THEM IN YOUR CAR lock your doors and call the police immediately. I couldn’t sleep at all last night just thinking what could have happened to me. I had Anxiety attacks all day long! I am viewing things differently now. Sweet Springfield is gone! Please take care of yourselves. Pray for your safety every time you put that key in the ignition. But I was told this is happening in parking lots too! Please be careful and may God bless all of you.
Please share let people know. This is crazy and real!”

Totally real, you guys. Definitely happened. For a broad who was just born again over the weekend, she doesn’t look a day over dead.


Thank little Lord baby Jeebus she got out alive! This is serious stuff, and the ladies of Springfield are muy asustadas. Move over, Pumpkin Spice Mafia – you may be getting talked into the back of shitty Astro Vans parked in Walmart parking lots by bootleg Jehovah’s Witnesses, but the Malta-Goya Mob are out here having their whole motherfucking vehicles disabled by feats that defy the laws of physics and auto mechanics. Just ask them.


The stupidity out there is the real horrorshow here. Let’s recap this here. This hag is driving along on a Saturday night, right in to some dude who is lurking in the woods just waiting for some car to roll by,  while his accomplices sit in wait in their white SUV. He sees her, and manages to throw some nondescript object from his stationary position at her moving vehicle with such precision it not only hits it, but actually disables it. And no, no one knows what that object is, of course.


And this shadowy athletic marvel of a nefarious criminal also manages to hit her car with such force and precision that it managed to break through the shield and bounce up over the radiator to sever her transmission lines without even ripping off the bumper or anything.


Which generally would render a vehicle completely inoperable in less than a mile, pissing red fluid everywhere, but luckily for Jacqueline, her whip is powered by prayer and the love of Christ.



And although the cops totally, definitely assured her that this happens like, all the time, they didn’t take a report and just kind of left her with her junked vehicle,


Which miraculously started working again when she needed to get home, presumably because Jesus didn’t want to miss Matlock. But don’t worry guys, this story is entirely true and she’s NOT doing any of this for attention.


She’s just lucky she survived, y’all.

And she now apparently needs therapy, which is the one and only clearly true thing to come out of this whole thread.

Yes, Jacqueline, please seek it. Because you’re a fucking loon and this never fucking happened.

She also apparently has decided she needs a gun,


Arm the paranoid delusional twit who thinks every car issue she encounters is the sign of an imminent kidnapping. Great idea.

Well, there you have it. It’s a crazy world out there today. One minute you’re driving home from the store in your shitbox car at 10pm on a Saturday. The next thing you know, an Olympic shot put thrower is leaping out from the bushes to fuck up your car while the bad guys from Liam Neeson’s 2008 thriller “Taken” tailgate you with their highbeams on in some suburban housewife’s grocery-getter. Then it’s robbery, rape, sex trafficking and a force registration on the organ donor’s list for you, lady.


Stay safe, everyone!

42 Comment(s)
  • Lipstickhippie
    July 4, 2019 at 6:41 pm

    Whole lotta forehead on that crazy bitch.

  • george costanza
    buffalo bill
    July 4, 2019 at 5:47 pm

    i just needed her to help me get some furniture in my van… she a size 14?

  • The Name Game
    July 4, 2019 at 10:01 am

    Jacqueline thieves… credibility. I was going to comment on all the hysterical misspellings (e.g., “irradical”), all the hyperbole, the obvious symptoms of impending transmission failure (ever hear of “preventive maintenance”, sweetie?), and “Sweet Springfield” (here’s a clue: it never was), but y’all beat me to it. She doesn’t look THAT old, though, to have a “son who’s friends with a detective” (the Doogie Howser of Springfield PD). I DO take exception, though, at your negative beverage reference: as a cis heterosexual white 65-YO male, I DO loves me a cold Malta Goya!

  • TL;DR
    July 3, 2019 at 6:49 pm

    Someone didn’t get held enough as a kid. i bet her kids are terrible. BUILD.THE.WALL.

  • Bill
    July 3, 2019 at 5:39 pm

    She did all of this so that she could try to fraudulently claim a mechanical issue with her car as coming from a criminal action. It is all bullshit

  • marilu
    July 3, 2019 at 1:51 pm

    My bf sent me screen shots of this post the other day & I wondered when it would show up on TB!

    It’s a really scary story & all but the things she says don’t completely line up– nor does the fact that at the end she starts talking about when women stop at ATMs for scammers, like how is that relevant? You didn’t do that, why are you mentioning a totally different dangerous situation after you thoroughly name-dropped all of these locations in Spfld.?

  • Katie
    July 3, 2019 at 12:20 pm

    Because every sex ring is looking for a middle aged grandmother! Sounds like her car died on her and made an awful noise in doing so. This story, however, gives a great set-up for a Go Fund Me. I was thinking insurance fraud, but she probably doesn’t have insurance.

    • Walter Chalin
      July 3, 2019 at 2:37 pm

      Katie, that is such narrow thinking! 2nd on my types list to my local sex trafficker for fresh inventory is middle aged grandmother. First is 400+ LB BBW, dead and embalmed, but that’s a story for another day. Just, please, do not sell our experienced ladies short. I wouldn’t discount the car breaking down factor neither. My man, Tanner Joe, who gets me the most highest quality old grannies and stiff BBWs, uses the old “pee and sugar in the gas tank” trick all the time as part of his recruitment process. All traffickers, like TJ, have to have a go-to collection medium when the $20 bill just doesn’t work. I would also advise all the Tom, Dicks, and Harrys to avoid the services of Ronbo Caceres in the Springfield area. Ronbo really lays in to his stock and they are a mess to fiddle and fondle afterwards. Plus, he’ll try to pass off frozen for embalmed. Found that out the hard way (no pun intended, but don’t ask.) So give a honey the benefit of the doubt, because I did have my order in!

      • WeRFucked
        July 3, 2019 at 6:08 pm

        WTF did I must read? There goes 2-minutes of my life I won’t miss.

  • InsertScreenNameHere
    July 3, 2019 at 11:51 am

    Not a huge mystery here. Sounds like someone’s shitbox car finally crapped out on her, and she’s setting up a really good backstory to get everyone else to pay for her new one. TB should start a timer and a betting pool about how long it will be before her GoFundMe for her new car is up and running, and make sure to run the follow-up story as soon as it is!

    • Scott
      July 3, 2019 at 12:04 pm

      You’re half right. She wants someone to pay, and that someone is the insurance company. This is fraud. Tough to pull off without a police report. So these fb posts are what she’ll provide as “evidence.”

      • InsertScreenNameHere
        July 3, 2019 at 12:11 pm

        Scott, you’re too funny. You think someone in Springfield has actual car insurance?

        • Scott
          July 3, 2019 at 12:45 pm

          She did mention insurance in one of her posts.

  • True Reality Speaks
    Mirror Mirror
    July 3, 2019 at 9:58 am

    One of your better (funnier) blogs. Keep up the good work.

  • Ugly Betty
    July 3, 2019 at 9:45 am

    Somebody needed attention and it’s clear why she doesn’t get much attention.

    U G L Y You aint got no alibi!

    July 3, 2019 at 9:43 am

    It’s safe to say that we can’t rule out anything. After her car was disabled with the EMP grenade, she was chased by “mandroids”. This is clearly an attempt to inseminate her with an alien human hybrid. Do alien babies qualify for additional state aid?

    • I.M. Igration
      July 3, 2019 at 9:57 am

      “Do alien babies qualify for additional state aid?”

      Only the illegal ones….

  • The Woods
    July 3, 2019 at 9:32 am

    I’m not super familiar with this area because there really isn’t a reason to go there…besides maybe the Gras. Although these days, there’s probably a 50/50 chance of getting shot. But I don’t recall a lot of “woods” in that area or downtown Springfield.

  • Liawatha
    July 3, 2019 at 9:15 am

    I’d let her dildo fuck my ass, as long as I can suck Cece’s big purple cock while She is doing it!

  • Nobody wants your ugly ass
    July 3, 2019 at 9:02 am

    I can’t stand these little whiny women who cry every time a car is behind them with more then one person in it. That woman is so ugly they wouldn’t get anything for her in the sex trade.. lol must be the discount sex traffickers. I wonder if the run their business like a savers or Salvation Army? On Wednesday it’s half off all the buck tooth ones, Thursday the fupa ones are buy one get one free. Lmao, Wow!!

    • Nobody wants your ugly ass!
      July 3, 2019 at 9:05 am

      And of course it was Jesus that got her to that next exit, not the car she was driving and the gas pedal she was pushing. It was sweet baby Jesus. You were just born and your trying to bring the big man into your shit show already. Just stop!

      • Puerto Rican Bakery
        July 3, 2019 at 9:22 am


        • Good try
          July 3, 2019 at 10:01 am

          It’s not a flower petal.. it’s a gas pedal lmao.

      • Nobody wants your ass
        July 3, 2019 at 10:27 am

        My bad, apologies to Puerto Rican bakery, I assumed you were trying to correct my spelling. I now realize it was about what the born again woman had wrote. Sorry about that 🙁

  • Julie the Jarhead
    July 3, 2019 at 8:52 am

    Put “This happened to a friend of mine at Assembly Row,” and you have the next Facebook urban legend.

  • Gash Basher
    July 3, 2019 at 8:48 am

    and then all the police officers clapped

  • Betty Ford
    July 3, 2019 at 7:36 am

    I see OJ! I see OJ!

  • hartf811
    July 3, 2019 at 7:12 am

    Note to self: mobilize to give free cars to moon at crazy illegals. Should be cheap and paid for with the leftovers from healthcare for all, luxury accommodations at the border, eliminating college debt for all black studies majors, section 8, EBT, open borders. We can just print mo money like Obozo did.

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    July 3, 2019 at 5:59 am

    Poor Jacqueline. These Trump supporters are going too far.

      July 3, 2019 at 9:58 am

      She has “what’s your Indian name” on her Facebook page. Perhaps your assistance and expertise on this matter of heritage will prove invaluable. But can one fight the Patriarchy in a group run by a Chief?

  • Well, No Shit
    July 3, 2019 at 5:55 am

    If you drive to Armory Street right now, you’ll notice a stone figure of a man, standing by the side of the road.

    That is her would-be attacker. All of this shit was really happening, but one quick gaze from Medusa Nieves, and the threat was neutralized.

    I don’t know why she needed to lie about the rest.

  • Sweet Springfield
    July 3, 2019 at 5:48 am

    I’m surprised no one said “This is MAGA country.”

    • Batman
      July 3, 2019 at 10:41 am

      Comment of the day.

    • Hugh-Bo Mont
      July 3, 2019 at 12:35 pm

      That’s why nobody got out of the car behind her. They forgot the noose. It was a regular Three Stooges episode in the SUV. “Where’s the noose?” “What noose?” “The noose we’ve been using for the last 30 years!” LOL

      • dowen0895
        Dick Scratcher
        July 5, 2019 at 4:12 am

        No noose is good noose!!! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!! 🙂

  • Amen dude and dudettes
    July 3, 2019 at 5:34 am

    She needs St Frances of Rome. Tgevpatron saint of motorists and widows! In 1925, Pope Pius XI declared her the patron saint of automobile drivers because of a legend that an angel used to light the road before her with a lantern when she traveled, keeping her safe from hazards. Within the Benedictine Order, she is honored as a patron saint of all oblates. She is also a patron saint of widows. If she had that lantern she would have been safe! Lololo

  • Face McPalm
    July 3, 2019 at 3:35 am


    • Morons r everywhere
      July 3, 2019 at 4:35 am

      “bumber to bumper”, “I put my foot to the pettle”, “I becan to toot my horn”, “I was in an irradical”, “ATM withdawing money”

  • Jeff J
    Let's Talk About It
    July 3, 2019 at 2:31 am


  • Jesus
    July 3, 2019 at 12:06 am

    “I need help” = gofundme…..

  • Crispy C
    July 2, 2019 at 11:51 pm

    Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit have this motherfucker’s back and yet she needs a gun and is a bundle of nerves. So much for her faith!

  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    July 2, 2019 at 11:47 pm

    Do the 100 emojis represent the number of packs of Newport 100s smoked on the day the post was made?

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