Anytime I write about Worcester I get five million notifications on my phone because it’s getting shared or commented on every five seconds. I don’t know what it is about this city, but the people in it are just so damn entertaining. And if it weren’t for social media we would never be able to read the amazing thoughts that are brewing in their heads. Whether it be Margee Pesikov and her infamous video, or our “urban safari” through Main South to the DMV, or the Top 10 Facebook comments about the Obama visit to Worcester. No matter the topic, people wanna read about Worcester.
But not everyone is a fan of the Turtleboy Sports Revolution. While lots of people would like nothing more than to ride the turtle with me:
there are many out there who would like nothing more than to usurp me from my throne in downtown Worcester. The most recent blog we wrote about the Super Chinese Buffet was one of the easiest I’ve ever written. Sometimes when people write hilariously moronic things on Facebook the blogs just write themselves.
When I read Michelle Derez’ rant about crab legs, the all you can eat Chinese buffet scene, and good tipping, this was one of those times. I couldn’t stop laughing. And I know I wasn’t the only one. That’s why we wrote about it. That’s what Turtleboy Sports is all about. We are the internal voice of the people. Everyone who read her post instantly became dumber after doing so. An actual human being with a brain sat down at a keyboard and this was the best she could come up with.
Well some woman named “Kelly Hong” is clearly NOT joining the TBS Revolution anytime soon. After the thread about Michelle Derez was taken down on the “Your Probably From Worcester if…” page, Kelly Hong posted the link to the blog on there, and within an hour it had over 100 comments. It has since been taken down, which we knew it would, but we took enough screenshots for a follow up blog. It brought out friend and foe alike. The friends tend to be able to spell and communicate their thoughts effectively. The foes….not so much. Here’s what she put:
I think Kelly Hong is confused. It wasn’t Michelle Derez’ opinion that prompted the blog. Quite frankly, I’m not even sure what her opinion was. Quite frankly I give zero fucks about Michelle Derez’ opinion. I feel her pain actually. Crab legs are delicious. I just thought it was HILARIOUS that someone had such high expectations for a rat infested, all you can eat Chinese buffet in Webster Square. This hilarity was compounded by the fact that
- no one in their right mind could figure out what the hell she was attempting to say
- she was both angry and surprised that Chinese people can’t speak Spanish
- the letter “i” was apparently broken on her keyboard
- she said she was a good tipper about 50 times
- instead of using periods to end her sentences, she wrote, “JUST SAYIN”
- her complaints about the crab legs were inconsistent
- she may or may not have been drinking white russians in Tahiti while writing these posts
Well her post brought out some classic Turtleboy Sports counterrevolutionaries. One of them is old friend Brenda Morrisey. You may remember her from the Obama Worcester blog. Apparently she’s still butthurt about it:
I love how these people think Facebook is some imaginary place where everything is a secret. “He copied my personal info.” Newsflash – I took a screen shot of something you wrote ON FACEBOOK!! You might’ve heard of Facebook before. It’s the second most trafficked website in the world. It’s not exactly a no-boys allowed tree fort in your back fucking yard. I didn’t hack into your bank account and steal your social security number. I clicked your name, which I could only see because you voluntarily offered up your moronic thoughts.
And I’m not sure why she’s so upset about this. Her comment was ranked 8th on that list. It’s not like she was the #1 moron or anything. Look Brenda, the bottom line is that if you thought the President of the United States of America, the most powerful person in the world, shouldn’t come to Worcester because it will cost too much money to keep him alive, then you are a nudnik.
Then Kelly Hong chimed in again:
Yea she’s got a problem alright Kelly. She’s a grown woman who can’t write a complete sentence. I mean, she wasn’t even CLOSE. There isn’t a single third grader in the City of Worcester that couldn’t write a better sentence than this one:
This post right there is not indicative of someone who has a “problem with her words.” Those are the words of someone who can’t tie their own shoes. I’ve seen more coherent sentences in the first chapter of Flowers for Algernon. I challenge ANYONE to tell me what this sentence is supposed to mean.
Ya see my problem with her isn’t that she’s an illiterate stooge. I don’t care if you’re a dumbass. What I don’t like is when dumbasses try to sound like they’re better than other people. Because if you write like this, you’re not better than anyone. I’ve never been to the Super Chinese Buffet, because I was always a Tin Tin guy. But I’m sure the people that own it are hardworking people just trying to make ends meet. Then this DINGLEBERRY bashes their establishment.
We all make grammatical and spelling mistakes. I do it all the time on here. But I just can’t take a human being seriously that writes this poorly. Sorry, but if this is the best you can do, I don’t trust your review of the Super Chinese buffet.
Here’s the thing about Kelly Hong though. I’m not quite sure where she gets her sense of moral superiority. This is the first thing I saw when I went to her Facebook page:
And this is what she chooses to use as a banner photo:
True that girlfriend. I thought you stoners were supposed to be more laid back though. This does not look like the face of a laid back woman:
That is a woman I would not wanna fuck with.
Anyway, Brenda came back with her theories about who Turtleboy is:
First of all, I’m not tough at all. I’m a 13 year old boy on a magical turtle in downtown Worcester. You got a problem with me, come see me in downtown Worcester and say it my turtle’s face.
And yea, technically I am old. I’ve been 13 for the last 108 years, so I’m kind of grumpy. You would be too. Do you understand the sores I have on my ass? Do you understand what 108 years of riding a stone turtle will do to you? I have lesions bigger than you. Come on down and take a ride if you wanna find out what it’s like.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m being too mean on here. Turtleboy Sports is a family blog, so I don’t wanna expose anyone who doesn’t deserve it. But today I realized that the TBS haters have one thing in common – they’re all borderline illiterate. In this exclusive group of rabble rousers Kelly Hong is what you call the “smart one”:
Yea, I’m pretty sure Michelle Derez doesn’t give a shit. She’s too busy pounding white russians on an exotic island and figuring out how to calculate a 9% tip for the pool boy.
But Brenda Morrisey does NOT like when people point out that she’s such a Debbie Downer. TBS revolutionary Autumn Vachon was one of the many on the thread who was trying to point out that if people didn’t say dumb shit on Facebook, then Turtleboy Sports wouldn’t have anything to write about. Brenda didn’t like that much at all:
Well done Autumn. Well done indeed. I love how people like Brenda think. She doesn’t come on here to be abused. But yet she specifically goes on Facebook to offer up opinions that most normal people think are insane. I mean, what exactly does she think people will say when she starts rambling on about nonsense? Does she want a group hug or something? Because when you say dumb shit in a public forum people will call you out on it. Apparently this is “abuse” and Brenda’s telling the teacher!!!!
I’d just like to point out that Brenda says mean things about Obama on the internet. I’m reporting you to Joe Biden.
Then it got interesting when Kelly Hong threw out the “b” word:
Ding, ding, ding!!!! We have a winner. Turtleboy Sports employee Clarence Woods Emerson told her what she could do for the trifecta:
Bullying. Such a hot buzz word right now. When in doubt just call the other person a bully. Sure, back in the day when men were men, only kids could be bullied. But today grown adults have no shame whatsoever. I mean, I’d almost be embarrassed to admit that someone was bullying me. But now whenever someone says something you don’t agree with you can just call them a bully. That word is so hot right now that you can’t even question it either. The world stops if they think an adult out there is getting bullied, ON THE INTERNET!!
It’s just so much easier to throw words out there like bullying, and misogynist, and racist, then to have an actual legitimate fucking point.
So yea, I hate that PC nonsense as you know. Apparently a local patriot named David Prokopowich didn’t get the satire:
Wow. Just wow. David P just kicked it up a notch. This poor idiot thinks I’m a PC warrior, which obviously I am not. I can’t stand when people throw around the race card whenever they don’t get their way. But holy shit – this guy MIGHT be a LITTLE BIT racist. For all you closet Klansmen out there trying to hide your real thoughts on those of the African-American persuasion – never, ever under circumstances use the phrase, “Only a black.” It’s just not a good look at all. And who the hell were the four people that “liked” his comment? Well, one was me obviously, because I like to egg people like him on. But one of the others may surprise you:
So let me get this straight. Kelly Hong thinks I’m a bully for satirizing a nonsensical series of posts about an all you can eat Chinese buffet. But she’s cool with comments that use the phrase, “only a black.” Because that makes TONS of sense.
But who is this “David Prokopowich?” I saw we had one mutual friend and I couldn’t wait to see who that person was:
Of course. Whether or not you hate or love black people, we can all agree that Regatta subs are delicious.
Well apparently David P is a professional badass. He even calls himself Rambo:
Because if this isn’t the face of a guy with a gargantuan sized penis, then I don’t know what is:
Show me a bigger Alpha Male than this guy. You can’t.
So yea, Kelly Hong just joined the long line of people who want to stop the Turtleboy Sports Revolution. Many have come before you Kelly Hong, and many have failed. Margee Pesikov, Notre Dame football fans, St. Bonaventure basketball fans, Pomona College students, UMass women’s lacrosse, soccer fans, Boston College fans, UConn fans, Abigail Hernandez, feministos, Deadspin bloggers, Marc the Hippo Bertrand, management at 98.5 the Sports Hub, Matt Walsh, Portuguese people, Gish Jen, the Boston Globe, and countless others have tried to stop the revolution from spreading.
But they can’t. Because the TBS Revolution is the voice of the people who have had enough. They’re sick of seeing people who say stupid shit going unchallenged. Because unfortunately it’s usually the biggest dooshnozzles who speak the most. I do not speak form myself. I speak for the masses of millions out there who will no longer be silenced.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.