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So apparently you can buy people on Craig’s List who aren’t hookers:

“For $100/hour I will come to your holiday party dressed as the Elf on the Shelf and sit in any location you assign me while I stare emptily at your guests for the duration of the event.

I specialize in holiday-themed events, either yours or an un-expecting friend’s, but I also offer contracted private investigation and babysitting services. Please inquire about these rates, as they are negotiable based on the task at hand.

My services have been in high demand this season, so I now require at least 48 hours notice in advance of any bookings and appreciate your understanding.

Thank you, and happy holidays!

[whatever you want my name to be]”

Life goals = this guy. I love this guy. He realizes that in Brookline and West Roxbury there are a never ending supply of yuppies with too much money. They’re just looking for a reason to piss it away on something different, and then this guy comes along with his real life elf on the shelf and they just can’t help themselves. When I first saw that I thought to myself, “It’s funny, but no one’s gonna actually pay him.” But as it turns out, he’s booked solid and I’d have to stand in line to pay this guy $100 an hour to stare at me. God Bless America.

This just proves once again that if you can’t figure out a way to make it in America, then you don’t deserve to survive. It’s the only country on earth where people are lining up around the block to pay some guy to come into their home in pajamas and do nothing. Hey RBG and the rest of the losers who are always whining about the deck being stacked against them – maybe if you came up with a stupid idea like this you wouldn’t be living off of dumpster juice and whining about how the system is set up for you to fail. Yea, there are a lot of rich people in this country, which means there’s tons of cash that they’re willing to liberally sprinkle around in the economy. You just have to figure out a way to get your slice of the pie. This guy dresses up like an elf and sits there staring at you. What’s your excuse?

We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible. Click on any of them to check out their sites or Facebook pages. 

Want to have your business advert seen by over 1.2 million people per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook

Click on the image to get your Turtleboy Sports Revolution hoodie or browse other merchandise from the Turtleboy store.