So apparently it looks like former disgraced New York Jets coach Rex Ryan is gonna be the next coach for the Buffalo Bills. All I have to say as a Patriots fan is, THANK YOU GOD!!! This is good for a million different reasons. First of all, Rexy ins’t nearly sexy or hilarious when he loses weight. When he goes to Buffalo he’s gonna start eating buffalo wings non-stop and his fat ass is gonna gain at least 50 pounds with all that extra blue cheese. Secondly there’s no better fit for Rexy than Buffalo. He’s got all the prerequisites – losing track record, potty mouth, hates the Patriots because he can’t beat us.
The funniest part about it is that Bills Mafia is all fired up about this because Rex Ryan is the only coach they’ve hired in the last 15 years that anyone has ever heard of before. Seriously, if you’re the Bills it’s gotta be really, really hard to convince anyone to come to Buffalo. I mean, who wouldn’t wanna build around EJ Manuel? And the weather is AWESOME!!
The best part about this though is that it’s absolutely doomed to fail. Rex Ryan could be an OK head coach because unlike a lot of slobs in the NFL he can actually command respect from a locker room. But as we saw with the Jets, nobody can kill a promising young quarterback quite like Rexy can. Remember when he inherited fifth overall draft pick Mark Sanchez? Yea, how’d that turn out? How about Geno Smith? You see a lot of development with him? Me neither.
For that reason the best possible fit for him would be a team with an established quarterback and a crap happy defense that he can fix. Rex knows defense. You know what team fits that mold? Atlanta. Rex can’t fuck up Matt Ryan. I would imagine they would have very little contact with one another if he was the head coach. But he can do wonders with that defense, because they were the team you wanted your guy’s going against in fantasy this year.
You know what team is probably the worst possible fit for him? The Buffalo Bills. They already have one of the best defenses in the NFL. They’re all set in that department. But they have a first round draft pick quarterback who lost his job to Kyle fucking Orton two games into the season. If you thought EJ Manuel was a washed up first round pick wait until you see just how low he can go when Sexy Rexy gets his hands on him.
As a Patriots fan, all I can say to the Bills is thank you. Thank you so, sooooo much for another five years of two guaranteed wins every single year. Thank you for the hilarious preseason guarantees that never materialize. Thank you for trying to build up a rivalry in the only division in football that has ZERO parity and suspense. And most importantly, thank you for the false sense of hope that you’ve already given Bills Mafia:
What am I sayin just playoffs? SUPERBOWL 2016 HERE WE COME #BillsMafia
— Olivia Bursee (@olivia_dclxvi) January 12, 2015
2016 Super Bowl champs welcome Rex #BillsMafia
— Cody Hill (@C_HILL510) January 11, 2015
— Kyle Dinunno (@Kyle_D123) January 11, 2015
Oh man, that’s just the tops!! Fantastic stuff!! A team that hasn’t made the playoffs since 1999 is already getting their Super Bowl tickets ready for next year. God bless Rex Ryan and God bless the Buffalo Bills!!