We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible: Wormtown Brewery, Union Tavern, Scavone Plumbing, Michael Gaffney, Bennie’s Cafe, Craftech Restoration, JJM Insurance, Smokestack Urban Barbecue, Attorney Michael Erlich, H-S Trading Firearms, Smitty’s Tavern, Julio’s Liquors, HomeWarrantyReports.com, The Gun Parlor Range, 3B Auto, Pepe’s Restaurant, Firesafe Chimney Services, Attorney Anthony Salerno, North End Motor Sales.
Being part of Bills Mafia ain’t easy. Four straight Super Bowl losses, a Music City Miracle, and repeated anal violations by a man named Tom Brady can turn you into a miserable human being. This year, just like last year and the one before it, was finally supposed to be THE YEAR. The Bills weren’t just supposed to make the playoffs for the first time since 1999 – they were supposed to win the Super Bowl. Why wouldn’t they? They have the greatest defense ever and they’re led by a coach who never loses to Bill Belichick – Sexy Rexy Ryan.
Well after getting manhandled by the Patriots, Giants, and Bengals, the Bills have once again hit rock bottom by doing the unthinkable – losing to the Jaguars. In doing so E.J. Manuel became the first quarterback in NFL history to lose in three different countries. That might by the greatest stat I’ve ever heard. The season is basically over. They have to play us again, so that’s at least one more automatic loss. It’s almost impossible to make the playoffs at this point, especially without Tyrod Taylor and Sammy Watkins.
The thing about Sammy Watkins is, he doesn’t play very often. The Bills wasted a first round pick on the Clemson student-athlete because he was hot shit at the combine. But the problem is he gets nani cramps a lot and likes to tap out of games. This isn’t going over well with Bills Mafia and today he released one of the most fantastic social media thrashings to his OWN FAN BASE:
Ladies and gentlemen, this man completed not one, not two, but THREE years of college. Let that sink in for a minute. Let’s break down the fabulousness that is Sammy Watkins run-on sentence Instagram post:
“To all the people that have a problem with me being injured you guys go out there and play this sport it’s a 100% injury rate”
Amazing. Football is a 100% injury rate. Because literally every week I am unable to choose anyone to play on my Fanduel team since 100% of the league is always injured. #FactsOnly
“I’m not the first or last person that’s gone be injured”
You know how I can tell that this is the best attempt Sammy can make at an English sentence? He used apostrophes. He actually read a sentence that included the phrase “gone be injured” and said to himself, “I better make sure to put an apostrophe in the appropriate place.”
“Difference from me and you guys y’all mad and I’m not”
Yea, all you Buffalo fans who expected a Super Bowl and are staring at 3-4 – you can all go fuck yourselves. Because I’m getting paid no matter what so I ain’t mad. You may be. But I’m not. Just wanted to clarify just how much I don’t give a fuck about your happiness or investment in this team, because for me this is literally just going through the motions to collect the next check.
“get a life and go to work stop worrying about my job”
Yea, you might pay my salary by buying game tickets, my overpriced replica jersey, and watching the games on TV. But that doesn’t give you the right to have an opinion about my job. Why don’t you all get a life? Who watches football on Sunday anyway?
“because I’m good on this end and forever will be losers most of you just wish to be in this position”
LOL. Gotta love it. Hey Buffalo fans, you’ve been losing Super Bowls since before Sammy Watkins was born. Your pain runs deep, and your butthurt is second to none. But now your first round draft pick who never plays is literally pulling down his pants and defecating all over your Buffalo faces. He just said what Patriots fans have been pointing out for the last 15 years – you will forever be losers. Not Sammy though. He’s got millions of dollars and he’s probably gonna bang your wife.
“so continue working y’all little jobs for the rest of y’all lives”
Yea, get your ass back to the mill!!! I have a contract and if football doesn’t work out I’ll probably get a high paying job somewhere else. After all, my college education is clearly paying dividends as you can tell from my writing skills.
“since everyone once a response here go one have a blessed day”
Wait…..did he really just replace “wants” with “once?” Wait…..what??? Everyone “once” a response? Sweet baby Jesus. This is what three years of a Clemson education looks like and the NCAA is still trying to sell us on the myth that we can’t pay these kids because they’re students. I’m not even mad – that’s amazing.
This man right here had the most Bills Mafia counter statement you will ever see:
So Buffalo it hurts. The rage, the blatant use of homophobia, and the lashing out his star player. All of those are prerequisites of joining Bills Mafia.
Anyway, you know who doesn’t draft players like Sammy Watkins? Bill Belichick. Picture the man who just wrote that “sentence” trying to understand the Patriots playbook. Why would we waste a first round pick on a receiver when we can just draft a short white quarterback out of Kent State in the 7th and final round and turn him into a perennial Pro Bowler? Did these guys miss what Matt Millen did to the Lions? Using first round picks on receivers and receivers works….never.
Of course I could’ve told you this guy was a moron based on several things. He’s from Florida, he went to college in South Carolina, and the highlight of his career is getting tackled five yards from the goal line on a sure touchdown that he decided to start celebrating 20 yards away from the goal line:
The Bills scored on that drive and Turtleboy of course had made the mistake of using Sammy on Fanduel. Never again. Ladies and gentlemen, there is nothing more Buffalo than Sammy Watkins. Next stop, DALLAS!!!!
We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible. Click on any of them to check out their sites or Facebook pages.