If you’ve ever seen The Blind Side, then you know that Sandra Bullock spends her free time adopting gigantic black boys that are destined to play for her alma-mater, go pro, and and make a shitload of money off of it. I’m just kidding she’s just an actress. But the woman she plays in real life actually did do all those things. Her name is Leigh Ann Tuohy, and she adopted the real Michael Oher.
I thought that movie was shit. I thought the bad guys won. She BLATANTLY adopted a kid, not because it was the right thing to do, but because he could play football and he’d play where they told him to play – at the University of Mississippi. Because here’s a fact – Ole Miss sucks. They are the little bitch of the SEC. They have no realistic shot of winning every single year.
Here’s another fact – Michael Oher could’ve played at any school he wanted to. But he coincidentally chose Ole Miss. The crap-happy school his brand new parents just happened to boosters for. Oh yea, and his new daddy played football there and his southern belle mommy was a cheerleader there.
When Oher’s character gets investigated by the NCAA for this obvious recruiting violation I wanted so badly for them to get busted. But they didn’t. So the bad guys won.
Anyway, now that she’s famous, the real Leigh Ann Tuohy thinks she’s Queen of Dixie. First of all, I can’t stand the south. Nothing good ever comes from there except for football players and soldiers. Other than that they’re completely useless. Waving around their flags of treason and commemorating an imaginary country (the “confederacy”) that only really existed in their imaginations, is proof that evolution hasn’t crossed under the Mason-Dixon line. Not coincidentally Ole Miss are the “Rebels,” and thus are the face of this delusional thinking of white trash, NASCAR loving losers.
But southern women in particular just aggravate me. It seems like they’re always trying to act sophisticated and proper, when in reality they’re living in a part of the country that is basically Africa with more white people and lower achieving students. Yet people like Leigh Ann Tuohy think they’re royalty. And the worst part about people like her are they’re always hiding behind God. Look, Turtleboy believes in God, but I just don’t get my rocks off by going around quoting him all the time. Because I’m not a fraud. Meanwhile my girl Leigh Ann will be the first person to tell you that everything she did for Michael Oher was divinely sanctioned and had NOTHING at all to do with the fact that he ended up playing for Ole Miss.
Anyway Ole Miss won their first football game that mattered in a million years yesterday when they defeated #3 Alabama, 23-17. As you can imagine the student body went absolutely apeshit and rightfully so. Mississippi and Alabama might as well be Bosnia and Herzegovina. Most people can’t pick them out on a map, they’re poor as shit, and there’s always a civil war going on there. All these two states have is football. And one of them is good at it (Bama) and the other one isn’t (Ole Miss).
So it was understandable then that after the win the kids in Oxford MS tore down the goal post:
Left the stadium with it and marched that shit through the Grove:
carried it over a cop car:
brought it to downtown:
marched it through late night traffic:
brought it to some nudnik’s apartment:
and then cut it to pieces and gave part of it to the AD per his request:
The red dotted line indicates the path the goal post took last night (courtesy of SBNation):
Now most normal football fans would look at this momentous orgasmic victory for the Rebels and say, “go nuts.” You might not beat them for 20 more years because you’re Ole Miss. But that’s not the case for southern gentility like Leigh Ann Tuohy. Sure she was happy that her alma mater won, but there was something she just couldn’t deal with – the foul language!!!
Oh shut the fuck up already. If Leigh Ann went to ANY UMass basketball game she might have an aneurism when she finds out our official chant is “Fuck em up, fuck em up, go UMass.”
I shit you not, I have seen parents doing that chant with their eight year old kids. And it was glorious.
God forbid drunk college students say the “f” word. I mean, what would Jesus do? He would probably go on Twitter and try to ruin a perfectly good victory celebration according to Leigh Ann. Newsflash Ole Miss students – nothing you did last night was embarrassing. As a matter of fact, it gave me new hope for the south. I’ve seen goal posts come down many a time before, but never have I ever seen them paraded through town and brought into some frat boy’s off campus apartment. From a UMass graduate, I have to say that even I am thoroughly impressed. We usually just burn shit. Well played, Ole Miss, well played indeed.
Anyway I like Twitter because you can just can directly communicate with literally anyone. Chances are if they have 65,000 followers like my girl Leigh Ann does, then I’m not gonna hear back from them. So I told her the one thing that came to my mind when I read her stupid tweet:
Oh snap!! Shit just got real up in this piece!! First of all, I’ve completely given up on the whole “your”, “you’re” thing. People just will never get it, so I’m done trying. Sure this genius pretends to be a highly educated dixie daisy. But the fact of the matter is she’s from the south. Learning the difference between “your” and you’re” isn’t taught in Mississippi until you get your Master’s degree.
Anyway, you see her attitude there? “You think you’re man enough to make me….Try!” There is NOTHING more southern than that. “Hey Lincoln, you don’t want me to have these slaves? Come down here and make me.” This is what the south has ALWAYS done. Tempt northerners into kicking their ass. Newsflash – we always end up winning. Always. We don’t wanna fight you people though because we don’t have to resort to fisticuffs. It’s called shit talking. It can end there.
Secondly, is there any more of a fraud than this woman? Ladies like this think they’re badasses because Demi Moore made it through boot camp in GI Jane. Newsflash – I would never, ever, ever hit you. Because you’re a woman and that’s a completely unfair fight. You know that. I know that. So please, spare me the theatrics. We’re all really impressed by your hard ass southern demeanor and independence. You go girl!!!
No one’s fooled though Leigh Ann. Well, maybe except for idiots like this who think you’re Helen of Troy:
Hey Shannon, you look like something out of a bad 80’s movie and your Twitter handle says “soccer mom” in it.
No one gives a shit what you think.
Then there’s dingleberries like this:
Newsflash Paula Morris – you have 135 follower on Twitter and I was never one on them. There isn’t a move in the history of moves that carries less significance than your act of defiance against Turtleboy Sports. But please, don’t block me!!!! Oh yea, and the Titans (Leigh Ann’s favorite team) were winning 28-3 when she wrote this tweet. They ended up losing 29-28 to the BROWNS!!! The Browns!!!! Emasculating.
But hey, Paula is basically as American as you can get. She even likes shooting guns, and of course Jesus:
Anyway, I’m done with the lady. Add her to the list of morons who can’t handle the truth and have become official enemies of Turtleboy Sports. Plenty more where that came from.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.