Sports

Savage, Godless, St. Bonaventure Fans Come To UMass Tomorrow

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It’s that time of the year again – the Boners are coming to town. We’ve made a lot of enemies over the years at Turtleboy Sports, but none of them come back year after year like mating animals than the savages from St. Bonaventure. Two years ago UMass basketball was ranked 21st in the country and was about to drop out of the Top 25. They traveled to St. Bonaventure and lost, in a game in which they were 2 point underdogs in. The Boner fans rushed the floor and celebrated like it was the greatest win in school history, because St. Bonaventure is an irrelevant school for losers, so it was in fact the greatest win in school history. We simply pointed out what a JV, loser school moment this was. Especially since they rushed the floor, not once, but twice. Because at St. Bonaventure they aren’t very smart:

As you can see, they play in a high school gym, which is fitting, because their crowd is very similar to the type of crowd you’d find at  St. John’s Shrewsbury’s. The only difference is that St. John’s fans aren’t classless savages.

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Animals.

Anyway, that blog spread like wildfire wherever St. Bonaventure is, and Turtleboy was the talk of the town. They contacted us for an article for their student newspaper, entitled, “Bad Blog Bashes Boners.” When junior smokeshow wannabe newswoman Hannah Gordon asked us what we thought, we let her know:

“I really had no opinion about St. Bonaventure fans until recently,” he wrote. “I mean, who gives a (expletive) about a school of ZERO relevance? Now I can say with absolute certainty that I hate them.”

She also didn’t care for our sense of humor:

TurtleBoy took to his blog and wrote a post attacking St. Bonaventure University, its students and irrelevant details of the game, like the color of our jerseys, which are, according to TurtleBoy “the color of poop.”

Yup. Two years later we stand by that. St. Bonaventure wears poop color uniforms. No winning franchise wears poop colored uniforms. When you proudly wear the color of poop, you are basically saying that you have no desire to win. One commenter disagreed:

Turtle Boy was flat out wrong. Poop can be many colors: brown, yellow, black, green. Bonnies uniforms are only brown. Just like all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares, all Bonnies uniforms are the color of poop but not all poop is the color of Bonnies uniforms! Get your facts straight before you start making unfounded accusations!!

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St. Bonaventure is in Olean, NY. Ever heard of it? Nope. Because Olean, NY is an irrelevant town you will never, ever need to go to. Ever. Turtleboy had never heard of Olean, so we called it Buffalo. Because in upstate New York, everything past Syracuse is Buffalo. This really upset Hannah Gordon and the rest, but we explained it to her:

“They’re somewhere in upstate New York,” he said. “Doesn’t really matter where though since upstate New York is a completely irrelevant part of the United States of America. That’s why God just dumps a (expletive) ton of snow on it every year. He doesn’t want anyone living there on account of it sucks so bad.”

It’s true. She knows it. Turtleboy knows it. The basketball team knows it. Everyone knows it. You go to St. Bonaventure because you couldn’t get into any fun schools. That’s just a scientific fact.

With that said, UMass tips off against the Boners at 1:00 tomorrow. If St. Bonaventure can’t beat us this year then they should just give up and put together a volleyball team instead. Because UMass sucks this year. We just lost to Dayton by 30. We’ve been emasculated by Creighton, Providence, and Ole Miss. We lost to crapbag teams like Florida Gulf Coast, and Central Florida.

We have a three guard offense that is dependent on hitting 3 pointers. Our 6’11” 340 pound center does nothing. Tyler Bergantino still plays. Tyler Bergantino should be riding the bench for Assumption College. We have more coaches than players, yet no one ever seems to improve. Our head coach is the worst in the entire country, and he puts more time into preparing his hair than he does in putting a game plan together.

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We suck.

Yet somehow the Boners are only 2 point favorites in this game tomorrow in Amherst. They’ve played absolutely nobody this season, and they’ve still managed to lose three times. This is a down year for UMass, but for St. Bonaventure, it’s a tradition of suck like none other.
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Just remember what happened last year bitches:

RIP Boners.

 

 

 

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11 Comment(s)
  • phuk yu bich
    January 9, 2016 at 4:22 pm

    kill yourself fuck boi. the only time I come here is for St. Bona’s annual ass kicking of your shitty school. now I notice I can’t even read this shit because of all the cheesy ads. your site looks like the internet pre 2000s. kill yourself and your website.

    Thanks

    • BlackandWhite
      January 11, 2016 at 11:40 am

      You must be from Colrain. LOL

  • Tom
    January 9, 2016 at 3:22 pm

    Sick support today! More empty seats than people. What a joke of a “big time” state school. UConn, Penn St, Michigan St and the like get bigger crowds for their JV games.

    If i were a mass hole I would be embarrassed to let that sorry school represent me and my state as a whole. What a horrible life it must be to be a product of that institution.

  • Tom
    January 9, 2016 at 11:26 am

    “High school gym” guess I missed the part where the Mullin Center was basically the garden. Mass gym compared to most other major state schools is an absolute joke, lol.

    Sweet public education, peasant. See you later today when i tell you if I want fries with that.

    • True Reality Speaks
      True Reality Speaks
      January 9, 2016 at 4:27 pm

      Says the moron who can’t hit the Post Comment button without screwing that up over and over again. Do you need pictures on the menu to help you order?

  • Tom
    January 9, 2016 at 11:26 am

    “High school gym” guess I missed the part where the Mullin Center was basically the garden. Mass gym compared to most other major state schools is an absolute joke, lol.

    Sweet public education, peasant. See you later today when i tell you if I want fries with that.

  • Tom
    January 9, 2016 at 11:26 am

    “High school gym” guess I missed the part where the Mullin Center was basically the garden. Mass gym compared to most other major state schools is an absolute joke, lol.

    Sweet public education, peasant. See you later today when i tell you if I want fries with that.

  • Tom
    January 9, 2016 at 11:26 am

    “High school gym” guess I missed the part where the Mullin Center was basically the garden. Mass gym compared to most other major state schools is an absolute joke, lol.

    Sweet public education, peasant. See you later today when i tell you if I want fries with that.

  • Yes
    January 9, 2016 at 10:04 am

    Wait outside of the scandal ridden 90s- the 90s, as in 20 years ago- I don’t seem to recall UMass ever being relevant, save for 2014, either? In fact last I checked UMass has less A10 titles and tournament appearances since 2000 than Bonnie’s.

    Bonnie’s is definitely irrelevant – but please do remind me again how or why Umass is?

    Fun fact: Bonnie’s best Umass in route to an a10 title.

    Umass, LOL! Worcester, LOL!

    • Finnish Goalie
      January 13, 2016 at 10:23 am

      I regret not seeing this until now.

  • looser
    January 9, 2016 at 8:43 am

    Dude, UMass basketball was never relevant. Even when they “won” the championship they were still irreverent.

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