Turtleboy’s Facebook page is suspended until Saturday. Remember to like the Free Turtleboy Facebook page, which we use to post blogs when the Turtleboy Sports Facebook account is suspended. If we ever get shut down for good, this will become the new Turtleboy Sports main Facebook page.
We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible: Wormtown Brewery, Union Tavern, Scavone Plumbing, Bennie’s Cafe, Craftech Restoration, JJM Insurance, Smokestack Urban Barbecue, Attorney Michael Erlich, H-S Trading Firearms, Smitty’s Tavern, Julio’s Liquors, HomeWarrantyReports.com, The Gun Parlor Range, 3B Auto, Attorney Anthony Salerno, O’Connor Insurance 24-7, Monster Movers, Firesafe Chimney Services, The Law Office Of Joseph J. Carigila, Skyhook Tree And Sons
Want to have your business advert seen 1.2 million times per month? Email us at [email protected] for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer. Want to make money real fast? We will pay you cash if you bring us advertisers.
It’s that time of the year again – the Boners are coming to town. We’ve made a lot of enemies over the years at Turtleboy Sports, but none of them come back year after year like mating animals than the savages from St. Bonaventure. Two years ago UMass basketball was ranked 21st in the country and was about to drop out of the Top 25. They traveled to St. Bonaventure and lost, in a game in which they were 2 point underdogs in. The Boner fans rushed the floor and celebrated like it was the greatest win in school history, because St. Bonaventure is an irrelevant school for losers, so it was in fact the greatest win in school history. We simply pointed out what a JV, loser school moment this was. Especially since they rushed the floor, not once, but twice. Because at St. Bonaventure they aren’t very smart:
As you can see, they play in a high school gym, which is fitting, because their crowd is very similar to the type of crowd you’d find at St. John’s Shrewsbury’s. The only difference is that St. John’s fans aren’t classless savages.
Anyway, that blog spread like wildfire wherever St. Bonaventure is, and Turtleboy was the talk of the town. They contacted us for an article for their student newspaper, entitled, “Bad Blog Bashes Boners.” When junior smokeshow wannabe newswoman Hannah Gordon asked us what we thought, we let her know:
“I really had no opinion about St. Bonaventure fans until recently,” he wrote. “I mean, who gives a (expletive) about a school of ZERO relevance? Now I can say with absolute certainty that I hate them.”
She also didn’t care for our sense of humor:
TurtleBoy took to his blog and wrote a post attacking St. Bonaventure University, its students and irrelevant details of the game, like the color of our jerseys, which are, according to TurtleBoy “the color of poop.”
Yup. Two years later we stand by that. St. Bonaventure wears poop color uniforms. No winning franchise wears poop colored uniforms. When you proudly wear the color of poop, you are basically saying that you have no desire to win. One commenter disagreed:
Turtle Boy was flat out wrong. Poop can be many colors: brown, yellow, black, green. Bonnies uniforms are only brown. Just like all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares, all Bonnies uniforms are the color of poop but not all poop is the color of Bonnies uniforms! Get your facts straight before you start making unfounded accusations!!
St. Bonaventure is in Olean, NY. Ever heard of it? Nope. Because Olean, NY is an irrelevant town you will never, ever need to go to. Ever. Turtleboy had never heard of Olean, so we called it Buffalo. Because in upstate New York, everything past Syracuse is Buffalo. This really upset Hannah Gordon and the rest, but we explained it to her:
“They’re somewhere in upstate New York,” he said. “Doesn’t really matter where though since upstate New York is a completely irrelevant part of the United States of America. That’s why God just dumps a (expletive) ton of snow on it every year. He doesn’t want anyone living there on account of it sucks so bad.”
It’s true. She knows it. Turtleboy knows it. The basketball team knows it. Everyone knows it. You go to St. Bonaventure because you couldn’t get into any fun schools. That’s just a scientific fact.
With that said, UMass tips off against the Boners at 1:00 tomorrow. If St. Bonaventure can’t beat us this year then they should just give up and put together a volleyball team instead. Because UMass sucks this year. We just lost to Dayton by 30. We’ve been emasculated by Creighton, Providence, and Ole Miss. We lost to crapbag teams like Florida Gulf Coast, and Central Florida.
We have a three guard offense that is dependent on hitting 3 pointers. Our 6’11” 340 pound center does nothing. Tyler Bergantino still plays. Tyler Bergantino should be riding the bench for Assumption College. We have more coaches than players, yet no one ever seems to improve. Our head coach is the worst in the entire country, and he puts more time into preparing his hair than he does in putting a game plan together.
Yet somehow the Boners are only 2 point favorites in this game tomorrow in Amherst. They’ve played absolutely nobody this season, and they’ve still managed to lose three times. This is a down year for UMass, but for St. Bonaventure, it’s a tradition of suck like none other.
Just remember what happened last year bitches:
We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible. Click on any of them to check out their sites or Facebook pages.