This is the first installment to be published here of a series I usually run on my blog. Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization just seems like ti was tailor-made for Turtle Boy Sports; it’s all about stuff that must prove the end of the world is much, much closer than we think it is. Think about it…can a world where Utah is being overrun by polygamist female ninjas have long to last?
Just in case you think I’m making this shit up…
Two armed “polygamist women” dressed like “ninjas” were subdued by a sword-wielding man during a home invasion, according to police in suburban Utah.
So, now that I have your attention, this has to be the part where you back up a few sentences, re-read them, at which point the “What the fuck?” that was silently bounding around inside your head becomes a full-fledged exclamation.
Police said the two women, aged 18 and 22, were attacking the home of a witness and victim in a criminal child sex assault case against a man the women called their “husband.” The women “violently attacked one of the adult males in the house who came to see who was coming,” Ian Adams of the West Jordan police department told the Guardian.
“Another adult male joined the fray in defense of the first male victim. He was armed with a sword, and using a sword … and with the other male [was] able to subdue the two women until police arrived and took them into custody.”
So, let me see if I got this right. There’s two women who are dressed like ninjas, but don’t have the most important piece of ninja equipment. Apparently, they aren’t silent like ninjas, because the dude they are attacking hears them, and gets his own sword? Oh, and he’s an accused child molester…
While you are trying to wrap your brain around that, don’t forget this took place in Utah. Have you ever been to Utah. I spent twenty years there one night. If you built a fully automated, diesel-powered boring machine and turbo-charged it, it still couldn’t keep up with Utah. This is why I’ve always wanted the Utah Jazz to win the NBA Championship just so I could see the victory “riot.”
“Hey, The Jazz are Champs! Let’s stay up until 11:30!” I’m going to go down to the lake and float!”
In other words, this clearly had to be the most exciting thing to happen in the Beehive State since Jim McMahon got kicked out of BYU for not having the personality of styrofoam.
The attack took place just before 4am on Friday. The child witness was home but was not involved in the incident, Adams said. The two women are in custody at Salt Lake County Jail. Neither their names nor mugshots, nor the name of the “husband”, are being released, because to do so could identify the child victim.
They have to be especially careful with the identity of the child victim, just in case this kid is one of the three female children who isn’t already married. Sure, we all know that shit like happens every thirty or forty seconds in a Quentin Tarantino movie, but even the most ardent cynic amongst us has to admit this is pretty racy stuff for Utah.
Two women clad in ninja costumes, armed with knives and stun guns, forced their way through the door. The family believes they were there to abduct a 15-year-old girl inside.
One of the men who subdued the women was interviewed by the local Fox 13 new station. “I went to the bottom of the stairs and saw a couple of ninjas coming down,” the man was quoted as saying. “They were all dark gray or black, and they had black rubber gloves on and masks. All I could see was their eyes.”
The women are both charged with aggravated burglary, aggravated assault and witness tampering, all felonies. After the attack, Adams said, “the two female suspects claimed to be the wives of the male who’s sitting in custody on the child sex offenses”.
Are you starting to piece this one together? Once you get rid of the Halloween costumes and the Tokyo Police Department surplus equipment, I’ll bet you this is little more than old-fashioned country “shotgun” wedding material. Think about it. We have an allegation of child sex abuse, yet the “child” is still in the home of the accuser, and two women are out to “abduct” said victim as well as maybe get a “pound of flesh” off said accuser. Forget what the state law says, Utah is one of several places where the culture follows the marriage age guideline’s set forth by “Granny” from The Beverly Hillbillies.
12 or 13, she’s in her prime
14 or 15, she’s still got time
16 or 17, she’s almost done
18 or 19, Daddy better have gun
Guidelines aside, this picture is about to get much, much clearer.
The women are both charged with aggravated burglary, aggravated assault and witness tampering, all felonies. After the attack, Adams said, “the two female suspects claimed to be the wives of the male who’s sitting in custody on the child sex offenses.”
So, I wasn’t off by much. It’s not a “shotgun” wedding thing. Its’ a Mormon hillbilly fuck-tangle! In other words, we have two wives looking to get a 15-year-old old rival away from a husband and a potential husband. Face it, you know there’s a big game of “musical genitalia” going on here. Better yet, this story ends with the line that both proves this, and is entirely not surprising.
Adams said: “They’re all related.”