This is Zach with an H Pierce from North Brookfield.

As you can tell from the Planet Fitness membership and his unique ability to stick digits in various orifices, he’s got life by the balls. Except for the occasional Google trophy for heroin possession or giving the cops a fake social security number.

But who hasn’t given the cops a fake social security number before? Totally relatable.

He’s not one to mince words on Facebook, and tells the world exactly what’s on his mind. For instance, “white is right.”

And if you have a problem with that then you’re an “ignorant cop loving ass with beat feet.”

Of course he ends his screed with the shocker emoji. Because, of course he does.

If I was thirsty like you don’t you think I would’ve at least tried to hit you up?

Does this look like a guy who doesn’t have a line out the door of spam javelin craving gutterswine?

Ladies, if you play your cards right you could be invited for an overnight stay in his halfway house boarding room filled with random wires, trash, and broken dreams.

This is legitimately his cover photo:

Nicholas Sparks couldn’t write a better love story than that.

This week he decided to make a public service announcement that he won’t allow any of the thirsty women in line to to take a ride on puff the one eyed dragon if they weigh more than 140 pounds. He also explained why….

He prefers sexy ladies, not mediocrity. And as a two bit criminal junkie in North Brookfield he can afford to be picky.

According to him he can be choosy though, because he “only smashes dimes.”

And by smashing dimes he means, “I stole from the March of Dimes to feed my heroin habit.”

Does this look like the kind of guy who wouldn’t toss you the bone ranger if you were slightly over the weight limit?

Slum raw dog millionaire is game for whatever. As long as you’re white of course.

Just to be clear – he does make exceptions. However, he’s got 100’s of messages from thirsty “slob hoes with busted boxes” in his DMs, so he felt the need to weed some of them out with a general announcement on Facebook.

Also, any hoes who apply to jump on the kidney scraper must be able to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

This is the face of a man who lives off of grilled cheese sandwiches and mac and cheese.

He goes to the gym several times a week.

If you count Planet Fitness as a gym.

Don’t misinterpret what he’s saying though, he’s a really “nice guy” who believes in chivalry and respect.

And what better way to show respect for women then to tell them that they can’t go above a certain weight limit if they want to continue to play with his AIDS baster.

Then he got called out for violating his own rules when women started coming forward and showing evidence that it’s actually him who’s the thirsty one in their inboxes.

He’s totally not racist though. He just has the tendency of accusing women who turn him down of exclusively swapping love juices with black men.

Just think ladies – if you don’t keep in shape you’re gonna miss out on all of this:

Better sign up for Beach Body, because the baloney pony is coming to town.

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