Soccer Weenie Yaya Toure Is Leaving Manchester United Because They Didn’t Throw Him A 31st Birthday Party

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Apparently, Manchester City superstar and greatest midfielder currently doing it Yaya Touré is unhappy with his club. Why, you might wonder, when they just won the Premier League in exciting fashion, featuring him as their best player? Because the team didn’t celebrate his birthday.

Let’s focus on the funny bits first, before getting real. City won the title on May 11th, two days before Yaya’s birthday. After the championship celebrations, the whole club made their way to Abu Dhabi for a friendly against Al Ain on May 15th. At no point did the club’s leadership ever mention that ever so special 31st birthday.

It wasn’t until the past couple days when Touré’s agent started making waves about his client’s disappointment at City’s behavior:

None of them shook his hand on his birthday. It’s really sick…. He got a cake but when it was Roberto Carlos’s birthday, the president of Anzhi [Makhachkala] gave him a Bugatti. I don’t expect City to present Yaya with a Bugatti, we only asked that they shook his hand and said ‘we congratulate you’. It is the minimum they must do when it is his birthday and the squad is all together…. Of course Yaya is upset about this. If this happened to you as a journalist in the BBC and nobody shakes your hand, you will say bye-bye and go to work for somebody else. It is normal.

Good news, Manchester United fixed their mistake:

Screen Shot 2014-05-24 at 6.30.51 PM

Thank God that was fixed. I don’t know if I wanna live in a world where a grown man doesn’t get a birthday card from his employer.


If there’s another reason you need to not watch soccer, just listen to his agent….

Is this guy a witch doctor? I mean, how can ANYONE sit in a room with this guy and negotiate a contract without bursting into laughter? I have absolutely no idea what the hell that guy was saying except when he said “Yaya” and “you know?”

If team don’t respect player, uhhh, how can player play for team that no respect heeem?

Ummm, yea dude just because someone doesn’t give you a birthday hug doesn’t mean they don’t respect you. It just means they don’t give a shit that it’s your birthday. Because your client is a 31 year, grown-ass man. He wants them to “congratulate him?” Uhhhh for what? Not dying in the last 365 days? Because that’s literally all a birthed is. It is a celebration of one complete revolution of the Earth. You could be a complete fuck up all year and you will still have a birthday. Normally you aren’t congratulated for simply having a pulse.

Look, I’m way older than Yaya and everyone reading this blog. I remember my first birthday in 1906 and everyone said happy birthday to me. But by the time the Depression came around in the 30’s people stopped coming by. Sure, I was mad at first, but then I realized that I am immortal so I got over it.


Nothing new to see here people. Just another soccer player acting like a soccer player. Where do I start with this guy? First of all, his name is Yaya. How am I supposed to give a shit about a sport where one of the better players is named Yaya?

More importantly though, this is another grown ass man who think his birthday actually means something. Newsflash to every man out there reading this – nobody gives a fuck about your birthday. You’re a grown ass man, not a sorority girl. Have some pride dude. After you turn 21 there’s only a couple birthdays worth mentioning. Generally any year that is divisible by ten is noteworthy, but not really worth celebrating. I mean when you turn 30 you have officially become the creepy dude at the Blarney. When you turn 40 you can’t even relate to pop culture anymore. And once you turn 50 you can barely walk. You might get a hilarious birthday card making fun of your baldness and dependence on Cialis, but that’s about it.

The whole birthday thing is an event made for children and girls. As men, we should be above this. I don’t even know when any of my friends birthdays are. If it wasn’t for Facebook I’d forget my brother and sister’s birthdays too. Because after you turn 18 birthdays never, ever matter. There are 7 billion people in this world, and 365 days. That means that over 19 million people have a birthday every single day. Therefore you are not special on your birthday. Not even close.


The worst is the “birthday weekend” or even better, the “birthday week.” The people that pull this shit off are a scourge on society. It’s basically them telling you, “I ain’t driving this weekend or paying for any drinks, so go fuck yourself.”

This guy represents everything that people hate about soccer. He’s an attention seeking naniburger. I have no idea who he is or what he plays like, but I imagine he falls down a lot. If he’s gonna whine like this about a birthday, imagine what happens when he gets slide tackled. Probably rolls around on the ground and cries until enough people come over and ask him if he’s OK. In other words, he’d be the perfect free agent signing for les Canadiens de Montreal.

You know what else is a joke about this? He was on his way to a “friendly” when this whole shit storm began. Honestly, who came up with that word? Exhibition wasn’t good enough? They just had to find a more feminine way of naming a game that doesn’t affect the standings?

In his defense this same thing happened with Rajon Rondo a couple months ago when he refused to go to Sacramento because he wanted to celebrate his birthday in LA. Then again the NBA is the closest thing we have to soccer in the states. A bunch of grown men running around diving all over the place.


Here’s another thing – I HATE how ESPN covers soccer on the regular now. I don’t watch the four letter network very often, but when I do it seems like two teams I don’t give a fuck about are playing another friendly somewhere. I understand that some people around here actually follow European soccer. Those people are the worst. When I see them writing on Facebook or Twitter about it, it’s like they’re having a conversation with themselves by yelling into a cave. Imagine I started blogging about the Winnipeg Jets. It’s the same exact thing. No one cares.

You know why no one gives a shit about if Manchester or Barcelona wins the premier league? Because none of us live within 3,000 miles of either of those cities. We follow the Patriots and the Bruins because they’re less then an hour away. So why is an AMERICAN television station covering a sport that has no ties whatsoever to America. Look, we had a revolution because we hated everything about Europe. We won. Now we shouldn’t have to watch their stupid sports and listen to weenies like Yaya whine about their birthdays.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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2 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    May 25, 2014 at 1:58 pm

    Dude – United and City are two different teams.

  • May 24, 2014 at 11:35 pm

    Soccer is so gay

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