St. Bonaventure Fans Set New Record For Butthurtness After UMass Loss

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Leading up to yesterday’s UMass-St. Bonaventure matchup I was pretty fired up. Chances are unless you’re an avid Turtleboy reader from last year that you’ve probably asking yourself, “What the hell is a St. Bonaventure?” It’s a legit question, because no one knows or cares about them except for the people that go there. Why anyone would choose to go to college in Buffalo is beyond me. But basically it’s a place that will admit anyone with a phony welding degree and gives you a bunch of poop colored clothing. Because their colors are white and poop. But for whatever reason this particular school has developed the most insane and vile fans on the planet. And leading up to yesterday’s game I was getting it good from the Boner faithful:

Boom. Roasted.

So many things to suck on, don’t know if I can narrow it down to just one thing.

Well I was pretty convinced we were gonna lose this game. They have a crazy home court advantage because they basically play at WPI and it gets loud in there. UMass hardly ever wins up in Buffalo, and yesterday they were 3 point underdogs. After blowing a 7 point halftime lead UMass found itself down by six with three minutes to go. They finally cut the lead down to one with 25 seconds to go and they had the ball. Of course they turned it over and gave the boners the ball back. Now we had no choice but to foul, and the game was all but lost. Then this happened:

Such a boner move by the boners right there. Hey I have an idea, let’s just give the ball to UMass and let them shoot a wide open three. I know this was just a regular season game, but considering who the opponent was it was probably the most satisfying game I’ve ever been a part of. I still have raging UMass pants tent this morning, and it’s all thanks to the boners.

Most of the boners disappeared after the game. All of a sudden they weren’t in a shit talking mood. Funny how that works. So their only move was to complain about how mean the UMass players were being to their cheerleaders:

Oh, I’m sorry. Did the UMass basketball team hurt your delicate sensibilities? I’ll try to speak with them about being nicer.

Because when I think of “class” the first thing I think of is Boner fans.

That doesn’t even make any sense. Unless you read Turtleboy Sports no one even knows your school exists. I’m literally the only news outlet in the country that gives you any sort of media exposure. No one wishes they went to college at an obscure school in Buffalo whose school colors are poop.

The real champ was this internet tough guy:

Oh shit, this guy is gonna drink beer ALLLL NIGHT!!! If that’s not cool then I dont know what is. He even gets drunk on Wednesdays!!!

Screen Shot 2015-02-12 at 12.30.11 PM

Oh snap!!! He even funnels!!! BAD ASS!!!

I know what you’re thinking ladies – is he single? Because who wouldn’t wanna a piece of this?


I mean, not only is he an animal lover, but he’s also a deep thinker


And he loves romantic baths


He’ll even take you on a hot date to a Bills game if you play your cards right

Screen Shot 2015-02-12 at 1.07.43 PM

Unfortunately for you all, he is taken by a St. Bonaventure cheerleader:

The person he is tweeting at is UMass starting forward Maxie Esho. Apparently he didn’t like the fact that a UMass player was excited about winning. Logically his only recourse was to go on Twitter and threaten to kick his ass. For the record I would love to watch this guy


fight this guy

Maxie Esho

Anyone could win. But he didn’t just call out Maxie. Oh no. He’ll fight ANYONE on UMass:

I pick Derrick Gordon. Because the thought of a homophobic internet tough guy from Buffalo getting his ass kicked by the first openly gay player in NCAA history is the greatest irony I can possibly imagine.


Not surprisingly, Matt Stoklosa is gonna kick MY ass right after he’s finished kicking the UMass basketball team’s asses:

Meet me at Whitco. High noon.

Don’t kid yourself though. This guy might seem like kind of a loser, but he’s going places in life. Even ask him:

I wanna be there when his division 1 girlfriend dumps him. I’ll be the first to blog about it. Although, who would wanna break up with someone who puts them on Twitter like they’re some sort of prize that he won at the circus:

Hey ladies, that could be you!! You could be the one Matt Stoklosa calls, “alright.” Some day. I wonder what he would rate his girlfriend on a scale of 1-10?

Who wouldn’t wanna be referred to as a “5” by their boyfriend on social media? Man, that girl is extremely lucky.

The best part about beating them is that I made a couple bets before the game. One was with some other kid named Matt. Because apparently everyone who goes to St. Bonaventure is named Matt. He promised he’d make this his Twitter profile picture if we won:

6jaf3 (1)

And he is a man of his word:

Fantastic. Finally this guy who runs a satirical twitter account called “BonaBandwagonComment” made a deal with us. If the Boners won then he’d get to write a blog on Turtleboy Sports that we would publish saying whatever he wants about us. If we won they would have to get a group of Boner fans together and hold a banner that says, “Boners love Turtleboy” and pose for a picture. Here’s the proof:

Right now it is 1:36 PM the day after the game. I have not seen a sign yet. I guess that’s what you get for trusting a Boners fan.

The bottom line is UMass basketball is back from the dead. That’s five wins in a row. They currently sit at first place (out of 14 teams) in the Atlantic 10. They’re not really back in NCAA Tournament consideration yet, but a couple wins over URI and VCU and we’ll be the belle of the ball again. We’ll be reporting live from Brooklyn again this year for the A-10 Tournament, and we can’t wait to meet some Boners fans down there to have them pose with the sign!!

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook

Wanna do your taxes easily?

Turtleboy’s Valetine’s Day Specials

Check out our stuff on GoLocalWorcester

5 Comment(s)
  • Sal
    February 12, 2015 at 4:57 pm


    I’ve read a few of your articles and I don’t know how on god’s beautiful green earth you’ve gained such a following in central MA. You’re the equivalent of a 12 year old girl both in grammar usage and you’re attempt to manufacture drama for entertainment purposes. Your attempt at “hot takes” makes you look like barstool jr, only more obnoxious and substantially less funny.

    I have to be honest though, I 100% couldn’t agree with your viewpoints more, especially with these St. Bonaventure little cunts. As a proud UMass alum, I don’t think I’ve ever disliked a fanbase more that impacts my life so little. Talk about the fucking pot calling the kettle black with this whole “YOUR PLAYERS WERE MEAN TO OUR CHEERLEADERS WAAAHHHH” shtick. How quickly these little fucks forget about harrassing Cylde Santee last year after diving out of bounds for a loose ball. And then these little bandwagon pussies want to talk about sportsmanship and class once they lose. These sheltered private school fucks are what’s killing our generation.

    • Wabbitt
      February 13, 2015 at 12:26 am


  • Maggie the Cat
    February 12, 2015 at 4:45 pm

    Actually, I thought the creature nuzzling up to his neck was his girlfriend.

    • Margee Pesikov
      February 12, 2015 at 9:21 pm

      No, that creature is me.

  • Finnish Goalie
    February 12, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    Other than filling in a bracket, this is the only story that generates any interest in college basketball for me.

    And it’s a recurring topic!!

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