Stop Pretending Like You Don’t Care About The Dress Color, Blue/Black People Are Victims Of Institutional Dressism

blue dress memes
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This whole blue and black dress vs. white and gold dress thing is driving me insane. It’s totally fucking blown my mind and I can’t stop thinking about it. I wanna start by saying that the people who got on my nerves the most today were the no-fun dooshnozzles who responded by saying, “Who cares?” Shut the fuck up. No one believes you don’t care. I usually don’t get into viral stuff because it’s dumb (see Kony 2012, or changing your Facebook picture to the pink equality sign). But this thing was cool.

Why are some of us INSISTING that it’s one color and others are insisting the other? Why do 75% of people see white, and only 25% see blue? This picture might’ve inadvertently shown us which members of our society are a member of the master race, and which are members of the servant class.

So for those of you saying, “Who cares”, we get it. You’re too cool for school. You’re above it. Congratulations. You sound like you’re fun at parties.

blue dress memes

Anyway, I was kind of out of it last night when I blogged it the first time so I don’t think my mind was really comprehending fully what was happening. Well Mrs. Turtleboy and I got into a gigantic thing about an hour or so ago. Like legitimately yelling at the top of our lungs about this stupid fucking dress. So naturally it called for a follow up blog about Dressgate 2015.

Quick pre-cursor to the story. I dominate the dentist. Literally my entire life I’ve been the straight A student at dentist visits. Every six months I look forward to going in there and being told how fucking DOMINANT my chompers are. This changed recently when I found out I had two cavities. I didn’t even know grown ass men could get cavities. I thought once you turned 18 you were pretty much in the clear. Like with polio, and measles.

But I was apparently wrong. So I went in for my first two fillings with Dr. Robert McCarthy today, Worcester’s finest dentist. They numbed the shit out of the right side of my face and went to work. Couldn’t feel a Goddman thing. But the problem with going to the dentist is you’re hungry afterwards because you purposely didn’t eat because only white trash garbage goes to the dentist office with corn flakes stuck in their teeth.

So about an hour afterwards I got a big ass sandwich and went to town on it. Halfway through the deliciousness I noticed I was bleeding from my mouth. I went into the bathroom and  saw that the right side of my lip was now gigantic. Apparently I was repeatedly chomping away at my own lip and I didn’t realize it because it was still numb. Literally just tearing into my own lip like it was Old Man Giarusso’s pulled pork.

After that my day was shot. Bad mood city. So when Mrs. Turtleboy came home we started talking about the dress again and I had no tolerance for her nonsense. I told her I still didn’t get it. For instance, when you look at this picture right here:


Everyone sees a blue dress on the right, right? So what the hell is going on here? If you can see the same dress as two different colors, then how come when you see it by itself some people see one thing and other people see another? Like, I get what they did with this picture. They changed the light balance so the blue seems bluer in the picture on the right and turns white in the picture on the left. But when you see it by itself, which one are you seeing? The image on the right, or the image on the left? That SHOULD blow your mind.

What’s really weird is that when she got home and I went to show her the picture I almost lost my mind. The dress was white and gold. What the fuck is going on here?? I came back in five minutes to check it out again. I shit you not it was back to being blue and black. But to her it was white and gold. Always white and gold. She insisted it was an illusion because of the lighting on the phone, or rods and cones, or some scientific nonsense that she pretends to know about because she saw it on Facebook.

To test this out Mrs. Turtleboy tried getting smart with me. She took her phone out and showed me the picture of what I clearly could see was a blue dress, but which she believed was a white dress. And I’m sitting here with a fat lip trying to explain to her how blue is blue. Then she cranked up the brightness on her phone and since she thinks she’s wicked smart she gave me this look that said, “What color is it now Turtleboy? White right? See. I’m smarter than you.”

The problem was it was still blue. She REFUSED to accept this. I was clearly looking at a black and blue dress. So we zoomed in on the sleeve which was clearly as blue as the ocean. I know white when I see it. This was obviously not white. So we yelled some more and my frustration was exacerbated by the fact that I sounded like a four year old with a speech impediment because of my fat lip.

Then we turned the brightness all the way down. It was still blue for me and white for her. To make matters worse she called in Turtleboy Jr. and asked him what color it was. It literally shattered my heart when I heard him say “white and gold daddy.” 


At this point she started laughing uncontrollably at me. This is the point where I got pissed off. As a blue dresser I am clearly an oppressed minority. White and gold dressers think they’re above us blue dressers. They think they’re better than us. They laugh at us. They tell us something is “wrong with us.” It’s patriarchal institutional dressism, and it needs to end.

Personally I am of the belief that this is one of those punnet square deals we learned about back in 8th grade. Most polls I’m seeing show that close to 3/4 of people see white/gold, while 1/4 see blue/black. Those numbers should ring a bell. This is like the one thing I remember from science class – genetic probability for widow’s peaks and attached earlobes. Having an attached earlobe is a recessive trait. The only way you can have it is if Mom and Dad both gave you the little e. Since you could get four possible combinations of alleles (EE, Ee, eE, ee), there was only a 1 in 4 shot of this happening. Here’s my scientific theory about the dress:

Screen Shot 2015-02-27 at 8.34.08 PM

Boom. Science. Perfectly explains why only one in four has the cc and sees the rightful black and blue dress.

So that is why Mrs. Turtelboy is laughing at me. Gang mentality. She’s part of the majority. I’m not. But I am not alone. And my people shall overcome. Here’s a breakdown of some famous people and which side of the line they’re on:

People who see blue: Kanye West, Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber, Ariana Grande, James Franco, Julia Louise-Dreyfus, Justin Verlander

People who see white: Kim Kardashian, Jimmy Fallon, Julianne Moore, B.J. Novak, Kelly Clarkson, Rajon Rondo, Jacoby Ellsbury, Joel Embiid

I mean, there’s dooshnozzles on both sides of that list. Rondo, Ellsbury, Kim Kardashian. Those people suck. But I think the reason I’m part of the oppressed group is the Kanye-Bieber factor. It doesn’t get much lower than that. No wonder everyone laughs at us.

Anyway, it’s an amazing debate and you can pretend like you don’t give a shit about it, but we all know you do.

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8 Comment(s)
  • jay shenk
    February 28, 2015 at 3:44 pm

    I think it’s amazing. Sure it might be due to shadows in real life, but we’re looking at a photo that’s a specific color, not real life, and people see it differently thanks to what their brain concludes about the lighting when it interprets the colors. What’s really strange is this doesn’t appear to ever have been noticed before.

  • Billy
    February 28, 2015 at 2:50 pm

    It’s gold and white. It’s called shadows making things appear differently.

    You know when a white wall is in the shadows and the shadows from a certain angle and distance give the white wall a dark hue? Would you call that wall black? No, cause you’re not a 3 year old or an idiot. You’d know it’s just a white wall wkth a shadow over it. How that isn’t beyond obvious, to everyone, baffles me more Than my beloved Bills and their fans thinking they actually have a chance at beating Brady ever.

  • Abigail
    February 28, 2015 at 9:08 am

    When I first look at the picture I see white and gold but when I shift my eyes it goes to blue and black. I can’t get it back to white and gold until I wait a while before looking at it. My husband only sees white and gold and my son saw blue and brown but now only sees black and blue. I hate this picture but am so interested by it at the same time. I wish they never posted it.

  • Patricia
    February 28, 2015 at 7:10 am

    i agree. We will rule the world be cause we are CORRECT! This whole thing fascinates me too, at least the science behind it. But the fact of the mater is that 3/4’s of the people’s brains are processing the picture incorrectly, while we, the matter race, have got it all under control. Lol. When the picture has been blown up and individual pixels have been studied, the color codes are in the blue shade, with black accents, so therefore everyone seeinng it as white and gold are incorrect. Period.

  • Marilyn
    February 28, 2015 at 2:39 am

    I saw this today on turtle boy sports clicked on the story and saw a white and gold dress. then I read the story and was like what? how could anyone see a black and blue dress out of a white and gold dress? then my husband and daughter woke up I told them nothing about the story just showed them the picture. they saw a black and blue dress. then I began running around the house and picking up every item I could find and asking them what color it was! it seems as though the dress is the only thing that looks different to us. but how do we know that’s the only thing? it’s making me question my own existence and I can’t even stand it…

  • Yes
    February 27, 2015 at 11:41 pm

    Its not blue and black on the right. It’s gold and white in shadows. I said you shouldn’t care not because it’s not interesting or because I’m not interesting. It’s because it’s so fucking obvious that I can’t believe it could even begin to be a discussion. It’s as clear cut, written in stone as it is that Vince Wilfork ate something unhealthy today.

    That is why I don’t care . Because why should I care about Sometting obvious? It’s like caring if some asshole told me the sky was green and for some reason 25% of the world agrees the sky is green and it makes news. It’s because this is such a big story at a time where there is so much more real, important and above all debatable shit to discuss. So no, I don’t give a fuck because i tend not to give a fuck about debating shit when there’s no debate to be had. Like I said you’re better than that Turts.

  • Wabbitt
    February 27, 2015 at 11:28 pm

    That dress is blue and black. I saw a picture from the designer’s website. So all those white/gold tucks are flat wrong.

  • phylisha
    February 27, 2015 at 10:29 pm

    A few months ago I went to the dentist and witnessed some guy drink a bottle of red kool-aid in the waiting room… I mean, polished of 16 oz of kool-aid minutes before getting called in. Garbage. You just don’t do that shit.
    The dress is white and gold, by the way.

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