Sports

Super Bowl Prop Bets From Turtleboy, Round 1

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This is it people. Super Bowl week. As we know by now Deflategate was just a gigantic conspiracy to try to keep the New England Patriots down. As Bill Belichick has proven with science the whole thing was bunk. Time to focus on the actual game. So on that note we’re going to be publishing one of these blogs every day about Super Bowl betting props until the kickoff arrives. If you’re like me, this is the greatest day of the year not only because you love football, but because you love gambling. I usually come ready with a list of at least 50 Super Bowl prop bets ready to go for this game. I’m getting aroused just thinking about it. What we’re gonna do is list ten prop bets every single day. We’ll explain our rationale, and the people can vote on how Turtleboy should wager his money for Sunday. We all don’t have lucrative rap careers to fall back on, so I need you people to help me out with these. Turtleboy Jr.’s college fund is depending on it.

1. Super Bowl MVP

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First things first, you have to bet on a player from the team you think will win. Losers don’t get MVP’s. Also, it’s almost always a quarterback. They’ve won 6 of the last 8 MVP’s. I usually bet on two guys. Last year I knew Seattle was gonna win, so I took Russell Wilson and the Field. Wilson easily could’ve won it, but it ended up going to Malcolm Smith- AKA the Field. Won pretty big on that one. This year I’m taking Rob Gronkowski and the Field. Why not? Seattle is a nasty defense, but their achilles heel is giving up fantasy points to tight ends. Now they have to go up against the greatest tight end ever. Gronk will have two touchdowns, which should be good for the MVP. If not, it could easily be some chump like Brandon Browner or Kyle Arrington intercepting an errant Russell Wilson duck and taking it in for six and getting the MVP.

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2.Will Belichick’s hoodie have sleeves cut off?

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This has to be the easiest prop bet I’ve ever seen. Of course he’s going to have sleeves cut off. The game is in Arizona. It’s hot as shit there. I don’t care that the money line is -150, there’s no chance he comes up with sleeves on. None. The money line on this should be at least -1,000. (If you’r not familiar with gambling, “-150” means you have to wager $150 to win $100. Any money you bet is proportional to that. AKA if you see a minus sign in front of a number it means it’s probably going to happen).

 

3.  What color will Bill Belichick’s hoodie be?

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Wow. First of all you can eliminate blue immediately. Belichick’s blue hoodies always come with sleeves on them. The grey hoodie is his default hoodie, and the one he has a higher winning percentage in. But how the hell is red +700? They’re acting like that has no shot of happening. The last time the Patriots played a Super Bowl in Arizona was 2007, and this is what he was rocking on that day:

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Red all day. Free money.

 

4. How many times will “deflated” balls be said during the game?

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Are you kidding me? At least 50 times. In case you haven’t seen the media is obsessed with this idiocy. Take the over of 3 and run for the hills.

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5. Who will the Super Bowl MVP mention first in his interview?

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So this is always an interesting bet. And this isn’t racist at all, but if the MVP is black he is statistically much more likely to thank God than a white guy who wins the MVP. If Wilson wins it he’s probably not going to thank his teammates or God first, because according to his teammates, he’s not “black enough.” Whatever that means. Odds are the MVP will probably be Tom Brady or Wilson. If so I can pretty much guarantee they will thank the fans first. Patriots fans have been put through the grinder this week, and Seahawks “fans” are famous for being world class dooshnozzles. At 15/2 odds you can’t go wrong. The only contingency here is if Gronk wins the MVP like I predicted earlier. He’ll thank teammates first.

 

6. Will the opening kickoff result in a touchback?

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By now you know that God loves the Patriots and their fans more than everyone else. Of course we’re gonna win the coin toss, and of course we’ll kickoff. Stephen Gostkowski is 5th in the NFL in touchbacks this year. There’s no way he doesn’t boom one out of the end zone to send a message that we are not to be fucked with.

 

7. Team to score first and final game result. 

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Here’s what’s gonna happen. The Seahawks are gonna get the ball first and get a few first downs. Eventually the Patriots will get their shit together and force them to kick a field goal. After that it’s gonna be nothing but domination and the Patriots win the game. Therefore I like Seahawks to score first and lose the game. For +325 you’re getting good value for your money too.

 

8. How many times will Katy Perry be mentioned in the first half?

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Ummmm……zero? Obviously. Yea, I know she’s performing at halftime, but do you think Al Michaels gives any fucks about Katy Perry? Why would he mention her? Under 2 is one of the easiest no-brainers I’ve ever seen.

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9. Will it be mentioned during the game that Pete Carroll was the last head coach of the Patriots?

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How is this an even money situation? I expect them to mention this at least 20 times. The answer is obviously yes. No explanation needed.

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10. Will Marshawn Lynch grab his crotch after scoring a TD in the game?

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I know the money line is shitty, but you have to go with “no” on this one. First of all, it’s not guaranteed he’ll score. He’s scored in 8 of Seattle’s 18 games this year. If he doesn’t score then “yes” can’t win. Secondly, even if he does score, the crotch grab historically takes place only after long touchdown runs. Odds are if he does score it will be a short run around the goal line. Thirdly, they’re acting like he does this all the time. He’s done it a few times, and although it was glorious when it happened, it’s not some trademark or something. The only thing I’m worried about is the fact that we’re dealing with Marshawn Lynch. There isn’t any player in the NFL who gives a fuck less about anything than Beast Mode. He knows it’s the biggest possible stage and he knows he’ll get fined for doing it, which leads me to believe he’d do it if he had the shot. But he won’t have the shot, so no crotch grab this time around.

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So there you have our first round of prop bets. If you think we’re wasting our money let us know by leaving a comment.

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