Sports

The Aaron Hernandez Jury Is The Happiest Group Of People Who Just Sentenced A Man To Life In Prison

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In case you haven’t been on Facebook all day to find out, the Aaron Hernandez murder spree is officially over, thanks to a jury of his “peers” finding him guilty of first degree murder in the death of Odin Lloyd.

First things first. How the hell did it take them six freaking days to come up with this decision? Seriously, what do you do for that many days when your only job is to reach a verdict? This wasn’t a 12 Angry Men situation, and Henry Fonda wasn’t there to whine about due process. I don’t care if there was no murder weapon or a shitty motive – he was the most obviously guilty murderer in the history of murderers.

I gotta say though, I was SHOCKED when I saw what the jury looked like. And I’m pretty convinced that they are all a bunch of cold-blooded potential murderers themselves. Because you will never see 15 people so happy after just sentencing a man to life in prison without the possibility of parole. Here’s a compressed version:

But that video misses the best part. When they ask them if they believed Shayanna Jenkins clearly perjured testimony and they instantly start burst out in uncontrollable laughter. You can see that here at the 1:15 mark:

I gotta admit, her testimony was pretty hilarious. There is perjury, and then there is what Shayanna Jenkins did. It was a masterful work of art.

Another great part comes at the 3:00 mark when they ask them if there were any boring parts and they all start cracking up and talking about the cell phones. LOL. First degree murder is hilarious. And also boring!!!

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Is this a jury or a high school field trip? Half these people look like they’re getting ready for the prom and the other half look like every teacher I ever had at Burncoat. The guy on the the left is the shop teacher, the woman in the back was English, and the lady up front was obviously gym.

When I imagined the Aaron Hernandez jury this is not what I pictured at all. I pictured a bunch of comic book nerds, a couple landscapers who don’t speak english, and some old ladies. After all, those are the only possible people who won’t know who Aaron Hernandez is.

And how bout that junior smokeshow down in front? Good lord. I’m legitimately in love again. Look at those beautiful pearly whites:

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Standing next to the girl with the glasses it looks like one of those before and after babes from a Freddie Prince Jr. movie. No wonder Aaron Hernandez was surprised by the verdict. He’s been giving here the “I’m Aaron Hernandez and I’m gonna drill you after this trial is over” look since the trial began. I mean, he’s been able to get girls like that his entire life. You think a couple murders is gonna stop him now? She was his ace in the hole and she let him down.

And how old is that guy with the “faux-tee” on the right? For Christ’s sake he still wears polo shirts with the white tee underneath. That’s like the Leitrims uniform from ought two. I love the part at 8:30 when the kid’s phone goes off and starts blasting country music:

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Oops!!! Good thing we’re not talking about anything serious…like a murder.

Anyway, I’m not gonna lie – I am extremely jealous of all these people. Every time I get jury duty I get brought into some fender bender in civil court that makes me wanna kill myself. But some day these people will get to tell their children that they put away the guy for life who probably would’ve been Super Bowl 45 MVP if Wes freaking Welker didn’t drop that Goddamn ball. That’s a way cooler story then some 35 year old lady trying to milk a couple bucks out of an insurance company.

Anyway, I’m still shocked about the ragtags Aaron Hernandez used as lawyers. Even the jury couldn’t believe that idiot admitted Aaron Hernandez was at the murder scene in his closing arguments. I mean, just look at these boobs:

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Those guys can’t even comb their hair. You think they’re gonna save you from prison Aaron?

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And luckily the NFL, in it’s infinite wisdom has also reached their verdict today regarding Aaron’s eligibility going forward:

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P.S. I really wish Aaron Hernandez wasn’t a drug addicted sociopathic murderer. He was really good at football.

Double P.S. The downside to this is that the Bills have finally beat the Patriots in something:

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5 Comment(s)
  • BobnMic
    April 20, 2015 at 12:28 am

    I think the smokeshow in purple is so hot I’d want her to find me guilty of something then beat the crap out of me.

  • Jason Christ
    April 15, 2015 at 5:39 pm

    Which room is Shayanna at ?

  • Whaat??
    April 15, 2015 at 4:33 pm

    Hernandez will get shanked in prison by some other lifer who wants one last shot at fame. Live by the sword die by the sword- or in this case by the weapon fashioned out of a spork.

  • RSoxGuy
    April 15, 2015 at 4:17 pm

    Couple things….
    1 – Pats get his Cap $ back now that he is convicted
    2 – Bill will waste that cap $ on some bum CB from Rutgers he got in the 6th round
    3 – The girl in the purple shirt is a legit smoke-show
    4 – I dont think sentencing starts till next week
    5 – Hernandez is a loser and will end up with his thug friends in prison. I hope its what he always dreamed about.

    • Vern
      April 16, 2015 at 7:03 am

      It has been reported by a number of news outlets that he was sentenced shortly after the verdict was returned to life in prison without the possibility of parole.
      Otherwise spot on!

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