Do you like paying $15 for the privilege of walking around smelling goat shit while having people try to sell you shit you don’t want or need? If so, then you’ll love the Big E!!!
A few years back Mrs. Turtleboy dragged me to this God-forsaken spectacle in West Springfield. It was easily in the Top 5 worst days of my life. I told her never again. First of all, she didn’t even like it. I know she didn’t. No one could possibly have fun at the Big E. But she wanted to go again this year because every time she goes on Facebook or Instagram she sees one of my jackass friends at the Big E with his wife and she says it’s “not fair.”
I reminded her how much last time we went sucked. I told her that all it was was a gigantic infomercial with fried dough. I pointed out that the traffic is worse than Gillette Stadium, and you have to pay some asshole $20 to park on their front lawn. I pointed out that we got stuck in traffic in Warren for an hour on the way home.
But none of that mattered because of this picture:
One of my goon friends at the Big E with the UMass basketball team. This picture completely fucked me over. Mrs. Turtleboy is easily the biggest female UMass basketball fan in the United States. You couple that with the fact that one of my boob friends got dragged there by his wife, and I was completely cornered. So I made a deal. I will go if I can actively build a blog the whole time. She agreed. And so our journey began.
The trip got off to a rocky start. iPhones are an amazing tool and I use the maps on there pretty much every time I leave Worcester. But every once in a while they fuck you over. I entered “Big E” into the phone, it gave me the pin, I hit the button for directions, and it gave me the route. So we started driving, and an hour later we were there!!!
WTF? The Big E has changed a lot since the last time I was there. Apparently it’s inside Agawam High School now? Damn you Siri!!!
So finally we got to the Big E and we had to turn back and head to Agawam because every fucking lot in West Springfield said this:
You know who was loving that? This fucking lady with the red flag:
Why? Because she bought this house in Agawam specifically for this three week period of the year when hundreds of thousands of morons flock to this shit show and she can make bank while people tear the shit out of her yard. All you need to know about these people is that they bought a house specifically so people could drive on it for an outrageous fee for three weeks in September. You have to give these peoples money. It’s the worst feeling.
Anyway as you start crossing the river back into West Springfield the first asshat I saw was some dude in a skirt:
Yup. It was gonna be a long, long day.
So you pay the $30 for this hot date, and what do you get for it? You get the privilege of walking around and seeing one fried dough stand
It literally came to the point where we thought that we were walking in circles. But we weren’t. There just can never be enough fried dough at the Big E.
I’m not trying to hate on fried dough though. I fucking LOVE fried dough. It wasn’t just fried dough stands that were everywhere either. It was sausage
nacho cheese french fries
and of course what 90 degree day in late September would be compete without a healthy serving of cheese curds?
Pretty much everywhere you went you were walking into a giant sea of people who hate exercise and their miserable children who don’t think the Big E is very fun at all.
The Big E is just a giant cesspool of people shoving fried food down their gullets.
Oh yea, and the prices are like a double kick in the nads. Not only did you pay $30 for absolutely nothing except for the right to walk through a crowded orgy of smelly human beings, but you also have to pay $9 for a sausage. And a soda is $4. And guess what? No free refills!!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – any place that charges you for a refill of fountain soda is run by a the antichrist. Especially when your fountain machine is clearly home to a live hornet’s nest. Shit costs about five cents a fill. #FreeRefills.
So we decided to do the only thing in the Big E that was free and didn’t involve walking around with badasses who think it’s still the 1980’s
longtime boyfriends and girlfriends who are drinking hooch that they smuggled in while wearing jorts and a tank top that is partially ripped from their latest bar fight
America loving mother fuckers
and trouble makers like this
The only place that was both free and let me sit down and set up all my fanduel teams was this arena where some sort of horse show was going on. Thank God for the internet or else I would’ve had to invest myself into what was probably the most boring horse show I’ve ever seen. When I first saw that there were horses I was hoping that there’d be some sort of race, or maybe even jousting. That would’ve been sweet.
Instead it was just a bunch of spoiled 12 year old girls from Longmeadow trotting Daddy’s horses slowly around in circles.
Then they picked the winner
And the crowd goes wild!!!!
Once the horse show hooligans stopped kicking the shit out of each other and the police finally restored order, it was time to go back outside. So we walked around and had all these gypsies try to peddle whatever it was they were selling to us. Who doesn’t want Big E gold chains?
or a palm reading
or a “wonder knife”
or the “World’s best dog harness”
or Leon’s cowboy hats
not to be confused with Leon’s leather goods
or a state of the art vacuum
or new gutters
or motorcycle gear
or a spin art frisbee
or a “personality analysis”
and of course who wouldn’t wanna buy some magical sand?
Fun for all ages!!! Because lots of adults I know spend their free time playing with magical sand.
If you wanna cool down a bit and go inside for some shade there are plenty of infomercials for you to watch. Like, for instance, you can watch a presentation about glue
or another kind of glue
or pots and pans
or German pots and pans
and what man doesn’t need a foldable wooden picnic basket?
or some purple shit
or shoe cleaners
or a bed
or an air purifier
or Miracle Whisk
or some beef jerky
And no trip to the Big E would be complete without someone trying to sell you a mop
I would estimate that one in three morons leaves the Big E with a new mop
and why wouldn’t they? They even let you test drive the mops as the crowd stares in silence and watches you mop.
The only thing more accessible than mops are hot tubs, spas, and pools. I was 90% sure we were gonna walk out of there with a new hot tub
And if you’re not impressed with all this shit you don’t need and certainly don’t wanna pay for, then you should check out the animal part of the Big E. First you will be greeted by a giant cow made out of butter
When we first walked in there was a competition going on about dog trivia. I swear to God – dog trivia. Everything you could possible wanna know from dog breeding to dog shit was fair game. All six New England states were represented in this contest which would answer the question that has bothered us for centuries – which state’s young women know the most about dogs?
And the only people at the Big E that were having more fun than these dog expert girls gone wild, were the animals themselves.
Because what dog doesn’t wanna sit in a cage at the Big E for 12 hours a day in the 90 degree heat?
And I’m not sure exactly what was going on, but in the pen directly next to this poor dog there seemed to be some sort of exhibition of the Tuesday night crowd from Breens
After you’re done staring at dogs and Carney’s in a pen, you can move onto the really exotic animals. Like pigs
I have to admit, those pigs do look delicious. Almost as delicious as these spooning pigs
After that we moved on and got to stare at this sheep’s ass
And let me tell you, this horse was having a GREAT fucking time at the Big E
Almost as much fun as this llama who apparently had hay stuck to his face from the world famous Big E glue
Basically these buildings are all giant circles that morons line up to file through and look at a bunch of shit they’re not gonna buy. They herd you in like cattle and try to get you to buy a bunch of shit that each state is famous for. Like in Rhode Island
And don’t tell all those hippies who protest cops in Worcester, but the Massachusetts State Police are there too with their arsenal for democracy
Hey, that sign’s not very funny at all!!!! That’s so insulting to women. Not all women shop!! And they’re certainly not dangerous!! I’m gonna post on Facebook and write a letter to the Big E to demand that they take down that gender discriminatory sign IMMEDIATELY!!
Luckily Mrs. Turtleboy doesn’t do THAT.
Finally, what trip to the Big E would be complete without bumper to bumper traffic the entire way back to Worcester??