Joe Petty claims that Worcester is a city “on the rise.” So we sent a reporter down to the heart of Worcester – the Worcester Common – to see if it is really as wonderful a place as he claims it is. 

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“We’re rebuilding the city. We’re pushing the city forward.”

“This is over a half-billion dollars, this project here. We’re going to be putting a hotel up, 150 or so rooms. Three-hundred-fifty apartments in two apartment buildings are going up here. The hotel is going to have a full-service restaurant. Another hotel is going in on Washington Square. We have $7 million invested in the infrastructure of the Common.”

“The whole idea is to make this a vibrant 18-hour-a-day downtown.”

“We have our act together as a community. People want to do business here. They see a lot of good momentum here, because everyone’s working together.”

Guess who said all those things about downtown Worcester? That would be Mayor Jumpin’ Joe Puddy of course. According to him we’ve all been working together to rebuild the city from the ashes by working together. As a result of working together we’re gonna put up a hotel at Washington Square and throw a bunch of cash at it by working together to move the city forward. As a result of this working together to get our act together, businesses from all over now WANT to do business here. Because of all the working together. After all, we’ve been moving the city forward and downtown Worcester is now “vibrant,” at least 18 hours per day. Because of all the working together.

So we wanted to see for ourselves what Joe Petty’s Worcester looks like. We went down to the Worcester Common today to check out the vibrant atmosphere of this “rebuilt” city. It was a magical journey of enchantment that we’d like to share with turtle riders.

When you enter the park you see this sign:

No feeding the wildlife? Well there aren’t many animals, but there are a lot of other magical creatures. And even if there were wild animals down at the Woo Common, you can count on the fact that people would be feeding them. Because all of those rules don’t really exist. Particularly the biking and skateboarding. The Worcester Common is filled with grown men ripping butts on children’s sized bicycles:

And nothing says vibrant downtown on the rise like a bunch of grown men and women taking naps at 2 in the afternoon:

The Common is also a great place for a mid afternoon cuddle session:

Or some deep thinking

Jumpin’ Joe Puddy also claims that Worcester has an “18 hour a day downtown.” Apparently the six hours they take off are noon-6 PM. Because clearly it was siesta time at 2 PM.

He also says that people “want to do business” downtown. And why wouldn’t they? While walking from Franklin to Front Street you can walk through a gauntlet of Worcester’s finest businessmen and women engaging in commerce.

There are a lot of adventurous entrepreneurs on the Worcester Common, who no doubt are looking to grow Worcester’s tax base. Generally the most successful business is the heroin trade, but the problem with that of course if the fuzz. Our reporter on the scene says he saw one police officer on a motorcycle, who was called away 15 minutes after he arrived. The moment he left the local economy quickly picked up, and our reporter witnessed numerous transactions. Many were discussing their portfolio and recent mutual fund investments, and our reporter overheard one thriving capitalist say,

“Hurry up, the cops will be back soon.”

Typical government regulation making it hard for job creators to grow the tax base and move the city forward. That doesn’t sound like working together to me. Come on Jumpin’ Joe, we know your supporter all hate the police, so let’s just get rid of the cops all together.

Anyway, the consumers are the ones who really win down at the Worcester Common. After coming to terms with the small business owner, the consumer usually tries out the new product in the City Hall bathroom, so long as it’s not already being used for some hot afternoon Worcester push-push. Back in the day this types of stuff went down in the Paris Cinema. But now that it’s not around Old Balls has to use his 1968 Hustler magazine. After testing out the product there’s no better place to enjoy the fruits of your labor than the Worcester Common. Because of all the benches and cool trees it’s an ideal place to sit down and look at stuff for hours on end

Shirts are suggested, but certainly not mandatory

Want some more evidence of the “vibrant” downtown economy? Well, here’s a box of clothing that’s just kind of sitting there for no reason at all:

Oh and here’s some piss in a cup that our reporter witnessed one of Worcester’s finest derelicts relieve himself into:

Oh yea, and across the street is this lovely alley where someone got stabbed last night:

Joe Petty has invested heavily in the common, by putting together tables and chairs that Worcester’s business leaders and students from MCPHS would use to eat their Panera Bread soup and sandwiches. As you can see, it’s almost impossible to find a seat, due to all the working together to move the city forward:

There’s some other cool stuff down there too, if you’re into history. There’s a Civil War memorial

a World War 2 memorial

and a Revolutionary War graveyard:

You could walk around it, read the headstones, and absorb some history. Or you could take off your shirt, put a blanket down, and rip butts all day.

Whatever you prefer.

Who WOULDN’T want to bring their family to downtown Worcester for some afternoon shopping and leisure? It’s just so vibrant I can’t get enough of it. Who wouldn’t want to expose their children to a magical world of discarded needles, cigarette smoke, and people asking you for a dollar? And wait until the hotel gets here. People from all over are gonna flock to the Woo for a weekend getaway so they can soak in the sights like our reporter did. And if you’re really lucky you might see Spanky coming into work to write his next poorly researched article about how everyone is racist except him:

The bottom line is, downtown Worcester is a joke and everyone knows it. I just can’t stand hearing Joe Petty talk about how Worcester is this city on the rise anymore. It’s not. And the more we deny it and play pretend, the more we inhibit ourselves from taking steps that can actually make Worcester a better place. Because the Worcester Common does not have to look like this. It’s sad that New York’s Central Park is a cleaner, safer, and more family friendly park than a small parcel of land in a city that is a fraction of the size of New York.

But New York wasn’t always a place where you’d wanna take your kids. Mayor Dinkens allowed the shitbums to take over and lied to the people’s face about how awesome New York was. Then Rudy Guliani got elected, actually admitted there was a problem, and did something to fix it. Here’s the solution for all of Worcester’s problems – take every person who is inclined to loiter on the Worcester Common all day and send them on a bus to Somerville. Because Mayor Joe Curtatone can’t get enough criminals, hippies, and unemployed vagrants in his city.

Worcester’s Rudy Guliani is Mike Gaffney. He’s our only hope. People complain that he’s too negative, and he’s an obstructionist, and blah, blah, blah. Well I say good. Because I’m sick and tired of the city looking like shit while listening to our elected leaders lie to us and tell us it’s all smiles and sunshine. Because we’re not stupid Joe. We can see with our eyes that downtown Worcester is not “vibrant.” It’s not an “18 hour a day city.” It’s not a place where business owners want to invest. It’s not a place where MCPHS students want to eat lunch.

Does Mike Gaffney have all the answer? I don’t know. But at least he’s not shitting in my salad and calling it caesar dressing. When leaders lie to the people who represent them, it’s incumbent upon us to replace them and give someone else a chance. If Gaffney fails as Mayor then we try someone else. But clearly what we have now is not working and we are INSANE if we keep bringing the same people back simply because Mike Gaffney rubs some people the wrong way. Take your city back and vote the Turtleboy Ticket – Mike Gaffney, Rob Sargent, Konnie Lukes.

Want to have your business advert seen by over 1.2 million people per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook

Click on the image to check out the Turtleboy Store – your one stop shop for all your Turtleboy shopping needs.