These Americans Rooting For Portugal Against USA Are the Biggest Traitors On Earth Right?

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.


Normally I wouldn’t give a shit about soccer, but certain people are turning Turtleboy into the biggest USA soccer fan on earth. The United States of America and Portugal square off on Sunday, and I was under the assumption that everyone who lives here will be rooting for America, regardless of where their ancestors came from. Apparently I was wrong. In Massachusetts there are pockets of Portuguese people that love our milk and honey but hate our soccer team. Fall River, New Bedford, Lowell, and even Ludlow:

These people are the absolute worst. Look, my great grandparents lived in Ireland. That’s my entire connection to that God-forsaken excrementitious isle. You know why they left Ireland? Because it sucked. Your opportunities in Ireland included being a peasant farmer, and being coal miner. That’s about it. So the smart ones said “fuck this place” and jumped on a boat to America. Best choice they ever made.

Ireland isn’t in the World Cup, but if they were I’d probably root for them…..unless they played America of course. Because that would be a no-brainer. America is by far the greatest country on earth. This is a scientific proven fact. Everyone knows that. It’s a country that is completely founded by immigrants. Not just regular immigrants either – hard working, creative, smart immigrants.

These immigrants came here because of one reason and one reason alone – America is the land of opportunity, and a place where their children, and their children’s children can be whatever the fuck they wanna be. Wanna be a doctor? Cool. Enjoy the free public schooling, financial aid, and access to the hospitals in the world. Wanna be a carpenter? Awesome. Go to trade school, join the union, and enjoy what it’s like to be middle class.


Most people who are “Portuguese” are from a group of islands called the Azores, which are over 500 miles away from Portugal. It’s about as close to Portugal as Denmark is. Here’s what the economy of the Azores is like:

The breeding of livestock is very important to the local economy. In Sao Miguel there is almost one cow per person. Fresh milk is the primary raw material used in the Azorean transformation industry. Cheese, butter and powdered milk are the principal goods exported. Meat production is also important to the Azorean economy. High quality beef is exported to both Madeira and continental Portugal. Pork and eggs are primarily produced for the regional market.

The fishing industry provides a major potential for future growth. The economic exclusive zone of the Azores contains a rich and diverse aquatic population, providing a vast array of fresh fish for export as well as canning. Recently some companies have begun smoking fish for domestic consumption and export. Economically the most important species is tuna, which is the principal catch of the commercial fishing fleet. The major catch of the nonindustrial or artisan fishing fleet includes herring, sea bream, conger eel, fork beard and mackerel.

Representing a small percentage of the economy are the sugar beet, chicory, tea, passion fruit and pineapple. The pineapple (Ananassa Sativus, Lindl.) is grown in greenhouses on Sao Miguel (Ponta Delgada, Lagoa and Vila Franca). It was brought to the Island from South America as an ornamental plant about the middle of the 19th century. It was grown on the islands to supply the tables of the wealthy.

Ya got that Portugal fans? You are nostalgic about a country whose opportunities include owning a cow, milking that cow, then killing that cow and selling the beef. And if that doesn’t work out you can be a fisherman. Oh yea, and the rich people who lived in Portugal used your ancestors islands for growing pineapples. So yea, when you’re rooting for Portugal, you are actually rooting for a country that purposely kept your ancestors trapped in poverty so that they could eat Pineapples and tuna fish.


So America actually gave you all a chance in life. Only people from Gloucester have to be fisherman when they grow up. And unless you live in West Virginia you don’t have to be a coal miner either. You can be whatever you want here.

All we ask in return is your undying devotion to America. Apparently this is too much to ask of the Port-a-gee-zee. I really thought they were above this. I thought up until this point that Italian-Americans were the worst. I was way, way off though. These people take the cake. They’re all over Twitter. Here are some of the dumb things they’re saying:

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You see this a lot. American Babes are rooting for Portugal because they all wanna get steamrolled by Christiano Ronaldo. This is like the pink hat version of soccer fans. Look, I will readily admit that Portuguese junior smokeshows are by far the hottest junior smokeshows on the planet:


Just a beautiful, beautiful ethnic group of people. They have just the right amount of curves, tan complexion, and dark hair. Oh yea, and the language is sexy as hell too. Spanish I can’t stand, but you can speak Portuguese to me all day long. I used to have a GPS thing in my car until iPhones made them obsolete, and I would purposely put the language on Portuguese because the woman who tells me the directions just sounded so God damn sexy when she told me to turn left in 500 feet.

But that doesn’t mean I’m rooting for their soccer team.

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Yea, we are all interested in who you were rooting for. VERY interested….

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So let me get this straight – you went on vacation to Portugal and because of that you are dishonoring the country you live in? I went to Times Square last year, so should I sell my soul and put on a Yankees hat? Feed this asshole to the Chinese right now. Newsflash – your parents left there because they love you and didn’t want your life to suck, as it likely would if they had stayed in Portugal.

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Then there’s this stooge, Kyle Furtardo:



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He might be the most dislikable person to ever walk the face of the earth. Want more proof? Check out his Twitter bio:

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So many things to dislike about this dooshnozzle I don’t know where to start. Strike one – he lives in Rhode Island, a state with absolutely no identity. And what young lad growing up in the Ocean State doesn’t root for the University of Miami, the Philadelphia Eagles, the Yankees, Portugal soccer, and LeBron James? Because that makes a shit ton of sense.

Then we’ve got nudniks like this:

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Newsflash – Portugal imperialized the shit out of you. Brazil was the last country on earth to get rid of slavery. You were literally Portugal’s version of Africa. Oh yea, and any Portuguese mother would rather die than see her son marry a Brazilian. But yea, rooting for your oppressors makes TONS of sense.

Then you got guys like this:

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Oh I see. Portugal has one of the best players in the world. Therefore it’s logical to root against the country that has given you opportunity and freedom. Right.

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Newsflash – we don’t give a fuck about soccer here. But our basic rule of thumb is we wanna be the best at the world in everything. Your ancestor’s country where soccer is king, is going to get facialized by a country where soccer is a sport for kids who can’t hit a baseball.

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So there you have it folks. If you see or know any person born in the United States who is rooting against the red, white, and blue on Sunday like these nimrods, feel free to call them the traitorous communists that they are. It’s your patriotic duty.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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1 Vote



Follow us on Twitter and on Facebook

Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.







5 Comment(s)
  • January 2, 2017 at 10:35 pm

    Ha ha ha. What a stupid twat!

  • Mike
    June 22, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    hahahha wow

  • DanL
    June 22, 2014 at 11:18 am

    Sweet blog bro. Força Portugal

  • Z
    June 21, 2014 at 9:20 pm

    I’m an MA transplant living in NYC. The assholes below me were rooting for Ghana over Germany because it would HURT the US. Too many Americans are the worst.

    • Anthony
      June 21, 2014 at 11:13 pm

      If you look, the majority of these traitors are just women thinking with their va jay jays who want a piece of Ronaldo. lol the funny thing is they probably know very little about sports in general. Let them root for portugal

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