So the other day pretty much everyone and their mother was losing their God damn minds on the Facebook machine because of the inevitable Ebola plague that was about to strike us. I’ve never seen a more overrated disease my entire life. Please, everyone, for the love of God, STOP freaking out about stupid fucking EBOLA!!!
Look, I realize Ebola is bad and can kill you. But I’m not sure if anyone noticed the same trend I do about it – it’s only killing African people. Gee whiz, I wonder how the fuck that could be? Maybe it’s because people in Liberia don’t have magical things like soap, and running water like we do here in America. That might be it.
Maybe it has to do with the fact that hospitals over there are in worse shape than Worcester East Middle School. Maybe it has to do with the fact that when you get Ebola you shit everywhere, and in Africa that means you literally have to dump on top of someone else’s steamy Ebola dump. Maybe it has to do with the fact that most homes in Africa don’t come equipped with God damn washing machines, so the ebola dumps don’t get cleaned properly off of people’s clothing?
No, none of those reasons make any sense. Let’s freak out instead. That’s way more fun. THAT’s the American way!!
I’m not making light of people who have become afflicted with Ebola either. It’s a terrible virus and it kills people. But Jesus fucking Christ, can we put this in some perspective please? Guess how many people have died in this “epidemic?” A grand total of 2,100, all of which are in Africa. I have more followers than that on Facebook. Guess how many people have died from influenza? 49,000. And measles? 122,000. And diarrhea? I shit you not (no pun intended), diarrhea kills 1.5 million children a year. Who remembers swine flu? That killed over 280,000 people.
Those diseases are gigantic fucking problems. But Ebola? What a Nancy boy, overrated disease Ebola is. It killed 2,000 people in Africa? Fuck that. I’m a million times more scared that I’ll die in a car accident on my way to work every day than I am contracting Ebola. I don’t know about you all, but I don’t plan on wearing soiled Ebola clothing, dumping in a community Ebola port-a-poty, or going for a check up at Hotel Rwanda. I’m not worried about this Nancy boy of a disease killing me or anyone I know.
Oh yea, and if you do get it, guess what? You’re probably gonna be cured. Because you may have noticed the trend here – Americans who get Ebola get cured. It’s amazing what health care and money can do.
Anyway, here are some of the yahoos I’ve seen freaking out about this from the Telegram’s Facebook page and Fox News Boston:
See that? If you’re freaking out about Ebola you’re on the same level as Letty L. Sanchez. Your thoughts align with someone who thinks “we don’t have freedom government make us slave to make them rich” is a sentence. And of course you can’t let a good Ebola rant end without blaming Obama. This imaginary American epidemic that hasn’t killed any Americans yet is all Obama’s fault. He’s the WORSE!!! The WORSE in history!! Up until now I thought John Adams was the WORSE president because he let smallpox kill so many people. But man, Obama is making John Adams look like Abraham Lincoln!!!
Who are the three morons who “liked” her comment anyway?
Of course. Is there a more pathetic move in the history of moves than liking your own comments and statuses on Facebook? I don’t even know why this shameless self promotion is allowed. It’s extremely misleading. When you say something stupid, no one should like it. That sends a strong message that it’s time to shut the fuck up. But when you see that at least someone else has liked someone’s comment, you don’t hesitate to follow suit.
And I also love these geniuses who want all these American doctors with Ebola to stay in Africa and die:
Yea, fuck those people in Africa. Sure they have no health care, hospitals, or medicine. But who does these doctors think they are trying to HELP these people? Sure, they might’ve saved a few lives in Africa, but those don’t count. The only lives that count are the imaginary Americans have been killed by this disease.
Then there’s geniuses singing this song:
Yea, not to be mean or anything, but can’t we just let these mother fuckers die? I mean, Joey Smith and Kristopher Lizotte are DIRECTLY effected by this. Sure, it’s the healthcare companies who are paying to take care of the people who have PAID into the system their entire lives, but Joey Jo-Jo here doesn’t think that’s very fair. It’s hard working, illiterate Americans like him who are gonna end up paying for all these Ebola victims in America!!!
Or this guy:
Good fucking point Aaron Silvestri. Let’s build a fucking wall around Africa, because these Ebola people are just walking right over the border into America. Wait, what’s that? You’re telling me that Africa is surrounded by two gigantic oceans? Well, let’s still go ahead with this giant African wall. Because a wall will be a cheap project, and it will deter all these Ebola free loaders from coming here WAYYY better than the Atlantic fucking Ocean can.
Then there’s the people who are bunkering down for the apocalypse:
Yea, no one freak out. Just make sure you stockpile your arsenal of weapons and powdered milk. And bleach. You can never have enough bleach.
The bottom line is this. Ebola sucks just like anything else in nature that takes human life. But there is shit that’s worth getting freaked out about, and then there are pansy ass diseases like Ebola that can only start epidemics in third world countries without plumbing. So calm the fuck down and enjoy the fact that you live in the most medically advanced part of the most medically advanced country in the world.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.