This Guy Who Pleasures Himself While Catching Fake Boston Marathon Entry Times Is The Biggest Loser On Planet Earth

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Today was the Boston Marathon and we wanted to rant real quick about some dooshnozzle named Derek Murphy, who apparently gets off on finding people who didn’t meet the Boston Marathon qualifying standards but ran anyway:

Runnersworld – With its 119-year history and tough qualifying standards, the Boston Marathon has become one of America’s most prized race experiences, and gaining entry is more difficult every year. Facing these challenging standards, some skirt the rules to snag a coveted bib.  Derek Murphy, a 45-year-old business analyst in Cincinnati started a blog about race cheating, and last summer with three colleagues began pursuing their ambitious project to figure out how many people got into Boston by breaking race rules. Their first step was to cull the entire list of finishers into a smaller group of likely suspects.

Murphy and his team then began methodically examining available information about each of those runners. First they searched Boston Marathon results to confirm the runner’s time in 2015, and to see if he or she had run the race in previous years. They then looked at to view the runner’s photos from the race. From there, they scouted race-results aggregation websites like Athlinks and Those led them to more races and more photos.



After seven months, Murphy is deft at spotting suspicious results. When his wife and two children are asleep, he turns on ESPN, settles into his recliner, and opens his laptop. On the screen, he scans a spreadsheet with the data of the participants his algorithm flagged.“This is the rare time that I get to myself,” Murphy said. “This is when I unwind.”


(Derek Murphy is the guy on the left)

I wanna punch this guy in the face. First of all he’s from Ohio. Why he cares about Boston Marathon qualifying times is beyond me. But he apparently catches people all the time. Sometimes they cut the course in a qualifying race, but the most common form of cheating is “bib swapping,” in which you just get someone faster than you to run the qualifying race using your name. Then you use the bib. This is how this asshole Derek Murphy catches you. You run significantly slower than your qualifying time.

This Turtleboy likes to run, but I’ll never even come close to being able to qualify for Boston. Because the standards can only be met by like, 0.1% of the population. In past years I ran bandit by just running without a number, but I can’t do that anymore because the Timon and Jafar the terrorists fucked up that sweet deal for everyone. Thousands of bandits used to run every year and all of them are local folks who just aren’t good enough to meet these prestigious qualifying times. Now that they can’t run anymore it’s a bunch of carpetbaggers tying up traffic in our state.

So like, what’s the point of this? Because this quote makes it sound like he’s waiting for his wife to go to bed so he can lube up and pleasure himself while he catches these “cheaters”:

“This is the rare time that I get to myself,” Murphy said. “This is when I unwind.”


I understand that these “cheaters” take away from other people who want to enter the race but haven’t met the standards. So a simple solution to this is to lower the standards for Massachusetts residents. I’ve been saying this for years. This race is part of our heritage as massholes. This is our day. It should be easier for us to qualify than it should be for some ultra-marathoner from North Carolina who gets to train through the non-existent winters with ease.

Here’s one of the “bad guys” that he caught:

In another case, Murphy started to investigate Gia Alvarez, a popular blogger, after a tipster emailed saying Alvarez gave her 2015 Boston Marathon bib to another runner. Alvarez used the time the other runner ran at Boston in 2015 to register for this year’s race. The BAA has since disqualified Alvarez—and banned her from future events.  

“I really am sorry,” Alvarez told Runner’s World. “I am not trying to make excuses for what I did.” She said she became pregnant between registering for Boston 2015 and the actual race. 

So let me get this straight. This woman qualified for Boston in 2015, registered, and got a bib. Then she got knocked up and gave her bib to another runner so it didn’t go to waste. Now because of this asshat she is banned for life? Wow, what a nice guy. Going after pregnant women from his basement in Ohio.


This is Gia Alvarez:



As you can see, she is a prim looking star gazer. The same type of woman who has been rejecting a loser like Derek Murphy his entire life. That’s all this about for him. Getting back at the hot girl who wanted nothing to do with him.

The bottom line is that anyone who is willing to stand in Hopkinton and run 26.2 consecutive miles to Boston deserves a tip of the cap. But instead we have dooshnozzle McGee fondling himself to your race results. Couldn’t wish worse things upon this dingleberry.


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16 Comment(s)
  • Kung-F.U.
    January 24, 2017 at 7:18 pm

    If you love running fine. If you are butthurt about not getting in a particular marathon, Kung-F.U. The rest of the world could give two squats except for that special someone with an axe to grind. D. Murphy seems like that kind of “I couldn’t do it so I’m gonna be an ass.” guy. Be honest, if money is involved there will be cheating…let the Marathon OFFICIALS handle the checking of the winners, not some basement dwelling imp.

  • Kevins 9 Iron
    Frank Lee
    April 20, 2016 at 12:41 pm

    Threw myself at a qualifying time several times. Came up less than 4 minutes short once. So you think fucking cheaters who get a number are ok? Did you ever consider if those cheaters weren’t there they’d have room for you and me and maybe higher qualifying times?

    You are losing it TB.

  • Marathon Man
    April 20, 2016 at 8:44 am

    The BAA also issued a reminder (read threat) to disqualify any runner who assists anyone in producing a counterfeit bib. They don’t say KNOWINGLY assist. In fact, posting a photo of your bib on social media before the race is grounds for disqualification if the counterfeit bib has that runner’s number.

  • Marathon Man
    April 20, 2016 at 8:41 am

    What Gia Alvarez did was disgusting. The minute she realized she was pregnant, she should have asked for a deferral. Oh wait! The BAA doesn’t do deferrals or refunds! And they don’t keep a waiting list. So proper procedure would have been to allow them to keep her entry fee and provide no service in return. Sounds fair to me.

  • Marathon Man
    April 19, 2016 at 5:16 pm

    My comment won’t post either. I didn’t copy or paste at all.

  • Frank
    April 18, 2016 at 7:32 pm

    What a smug motherfucker. You know that being “a tolerant, educated liberal” in Ohio is his pride and joy.

  • Devils Mouthpiece
    April 18, 2016 at 6:34 pm

    At the end of the day, who gives a flying fart who runs and why. This pencil dick of a guy needs to get a life.

  • Ruther
    April 18, 2016 at 4:46 pm

    TB sounds mad because he’s slow and can’t cheat to get in

  • IKnowShit
    April 18, 2016 at 3:33 pm

    Not sure why you’re deleting comments. I thought you needed truth. Go look up the story. Turtlegram supports a criminal. I got facts.

    • IKnowShit
      April 18, 2016 at 3:45 pm Do a criminal history and review search on the coach. He’s scamming people and using fellow drunks to boost his game. He’s pretty fast at getting reviews deleted but there’s plenty of people who have been ripped off to support his drinking habit.

    • ProfessorM
      April 18, 2016 at 8:18 pm

      If you “knowshit”, try adding your comment without a link. It might stop “the conspiracy”.

      • IKnowShit
        April 18, 2016 at 9:14 pm

        I’m trying to copy/paste shit but it’s not happening. WTF.

        • ProfessorM
          April 18, 2016 at 9:37 pm

          Again… Not sure what you don’t understand here…. The comments do not allow you to copy and paste links. It will allow you to say whatever you want, but you can’t post links.

        • April 19, 2016 at 7:51 am

          Well I guess you don’t know shit about copy/pasting then.

  • Mike
    April 18, 2016 at 3:17 pm

    They ruined the marathon when they started paying prizes. Went from a local event to a world wide Cluster Fuck.
    there are loosers like this guy everywhere. he is the kind of persons who calls the cops because you are parked the wrong way or only 9.8 feet from his driveway instead of 10

    • IKnowShit
      April 18, 2016 at 3:38 pm

      Unlike other marathons, they don’t even pay for local state winners. So, of all the marathons, Boston is the cheapskate.

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