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The Turtleboy Mafia went to Cleveland this weekend to watch the glorious return of the greatest player in NFL history from the most oppressive punishment in the history of sports. Not only did we get to see Brady run train on the most miserable franchise in sports, we also lucked out and got to watch the Red Sox and David Price shit all over themselves in Game 2 of their three game abortion of a sweep against the Indians. For the record, I would trade three Red Sox World Series championships for another Super Bowl for Tom Brady. The Red Sox were a nice little treat this year, but ultimately they were what they were. So yea, it sucks that we lost, but ultimately we came there for the Pats and Brady. Nothing else matters. The people there gave us a lot of shit, but ultimately when you hold up signs like this:
Your city is a joke. That’s right, they’re not only celebrating the Cavaliers NBA title, they’re also celebrating a UFC fighter and some team called the “Rubber Ducks.” Ya got that? They have some sort of professional team in Cleveland called the Rubber Ducks. That’s the most Cleveland thing I’ve ever heard.
Anyway, like I said, we came there to watch Tom Brady do Tom Brady things, and got exactly what we paid for. We won by a million points, Brady threw for 400 yards, Patriots fans took over the stadium, and Brady got a standing ovation on his way out:
But I will give this to Browns fans – they know how to party. This is an 0-5 team going absolutely nowhere. They knew they had no shot against us, but it doesn’t stop them from coming to the games. And quite frankly their tailgates are a million times better than ours. They’re like Buffalo tailgates except with less sex, broken tables, debauchery, and people calling us “faggots.”
But what Buffalo doesn’t have are hip-hop dance parties. There were at least 100 DJ’s in the tailgating parking lot. And not DJ’s that the Browns hired either. Just random guys who show up every week and spin beats. Show me any other tailgate in America that has guys on the tap of vans pouring out bottles of liquor while dancing to songs about weed, ice, and hoes:
Show me another tailgate in America where you can watch grown men grinding in white t-shirts:
Show me another tailgate in America where random white guys in Gronk jerseys infiltrate said dance offs and make the crowd go wild:
Eat your heart out Bills Mafia. People watching at Browns tailgates is the best. You’ve got Browns babes in “Cleveland Fucking Ohio” shirts
Browns bike gangs
State of the art transgender Cleveland bathrooms
Spicy girl-girl action on the The Land Balance
Fat bastards walking around with Tom Brady blowup dolls
That guy who has never missed a tailgate since 1974, and has also never bought new clothing or changed his hairstyle either
Freedom loving Patriots with Cleveland tattoos on their chest
Dudes playing wiffle ball with empty beer cans they just smashed after spinning around with a whiffle bat ten times in a row
Romantic Cleveland picnics by the freeway
Watch out though, the open container laws are VERY strictly enforced
You just have to make sure that when you’re talking to the cops you don’t have an open container in plain sight in your left hand
Or you will get a stern talking to
And if you’re really naughty they will make you chug your whole beer in front of them as punishment
And good luck making it by Drew Carey, who is evidently a Cleveland Police Officer now
It’s a rule that if you come to a tailgate you have to bring your own custom made Browns trailer, bus or truck
What you do with these vehicles during the other 357 days a year is your business. Just don’t get too drunk and fall asleep at the games while your Browns are getting destroyed though, because Pats fans are vulture and will hit on your wife while you’re passed out next to her.
The best is the Jersey watching. For instance, you know your team sucks when the most popular jerseys you see at your tailgate is for the starting left tackle
Disgraced alcoholic quarterbacks
And wide receievers who would rather check themselves into rehab than suit up for your team
Of course the tell tale sign that your franchise sucks is when your parking lot is filled with people wearing jerseys of crappy players who have come an gone through your franchise like such cheap wine. From Peyton Hillis
To backup kickers, tight ends, and Greenman
To recovering alcoholic quarterbacks from 30 years ago who have blown all their money on cocaine and strippers
To former Patriots who are just trying to make a few bucks at the end of their careers and can’t sign on with any other teams
Sometimes you can’t even keep track of who your team’s quarterback is
So you just come up with your own names
Either way, it doesn’t really matter if you win or lose because you just came there to get drunk, dance your ass off, and remind everyone else how you do in The Land.
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