Tom Brady 4 Game Suspension Is The Greatest Injustice Of All Time – Get Me The Hippies!!

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There is literally steam pouring out of my ears while I write this, so pardon my french. If you haven’t already heard, Tom Brady has been suspended for four games, and the Patriots are being forced to forfeit a first round pick in 2016 and a fourth round pick in 2017, as well as $1 million in cash.

Before we even break down the ridiculousness of the Wells report, let’s start out by pointing out the obvious. The NFL just sent the message that a fraction of PSI is worse than punching your wife in the face in an elevator, but NOT as bad as punching your wife in the face in an elevator while being taped. If Tom Brady had just beat the shit out of his wife like a normal NFL player, then he would’ve gotten half of what he got. Where can Brady cash in his white privilege card?


This is the greatest injustice since Sacco and Vanzetti. Everyone with a brain knows that. Even every butthurt Patriots hater out there knows that there was ZERO grounds for ANY suspension. Zero. All they had was a bunch of widely different PSI levels from corrupt and incompetent referees. Referees who only measured FOUR of the Colts balls at halftime because they “didn’t have enough time.” Referees whose PSI measurements weren’t even close to the same readings on the SAME EXACT balls. NBC Pro Football Talk put it best:

“First, the officials had two pressure gauges available — and those pressure gauges generated very different measurements. One gauge had a Wilson logo on the back. The other didn’t. One had an obviously crooked needle. The other didn’t. Second, referee Walt Anderson doesn’t recall which gauge he used to measure PSI at the start of the game. Third, knowing the gauge that was used before kickoff is critical to proving tampering.”

Here’s the Patriots ball measurements a halftime, from the 2 different refs who measured them with different gauges:


Here’s what they were at the end of the game:

Screen Shot 2015-05-11 at 9.39.40 PM

As you can see, the numbers were laughable. Any statistician looks at this and tells you it’s a fucking joke. This isn’t even remotely close to being considered reliable data. Three of the Colts balls were measured below the 12.5 acceptable level as well. These numbers are a farce and everyone with a brain knows it.

Other morons are pointing out that Brady didn’t turn over his cell phone as some sort of proof of guilt. These people are communists. Only a dirty, dirty commie would have a problem with an American citizen guarding their personal phones and emails from a tyrant. Hilary FUCKING Clinton refused to turn over her private emails to the federal government, which she wasn’t even supposed to be USING, and she’s going to be rewarded with the democratic nomination for President. Meanwhile Brady doesn’t turn over his cell phone, which is likely filled with glorious, divine cock shots and naked pictures of Giselle, and he gets the book thrown at him. The NFL literally just held a Goddamn football player to a higher standard than the Secretary of State of the most powerful country on earth.

Now let’s talk about the fact that this whole thing was a sting. The NFL wanted the Patriots to be guilty. It’s great for ratings. It keeps us talking about football during the offseason. So they set em up because everyone loves a good soap opera. And everyone knows that PSI doesn’t matter, and everyone knows that TB12 likes his balls softer. The Colts knew the balls would be measured at halftime, so they spent all their time making sure their balls were hovering at 12.5. We know this because they clearly didn’t bother game planning in the 45-7 raping to remember.

But the Patriots didn’t know. They were set up. For all we know Andrew Luck might like his balls soft too. After all, he put up the best numbers of any quarterback in the NFL this season, but in THIS game he sucked ass. Hmmmm. I wonder what was different this time around? Maybe it’s because the balls weren’t as soft as they were as usual for him. Probably he was generally aware of it at the least. But what we know for sure is that the Colts knew going into the game that the balls were going to be scrutinized and the Patriots didn’t. That alone is grounds for dismissal.


Meanwhile, we were the ONLY news source out there who covered the shady history of Ted Wells. This is a scumbag piece of human garbage trailer trash swindler of a lawyer, who has represeneted Phillip Morris, Elliot Spitzer, Scooter Libby, and every other scumbag millionaire politician who got caught red-handed with their hands in the cookie jar. And he went to bat for ALL of them, and tried to convince judges that they were PROBABLY guilty, but should be let off the hook anyway because it couldn’t be proven. Because if you throw enough money at Ted Wells, he’ll sing any song you want him to.

But now that he’s all of a sudden a prosecutor, instead of a defense attorney, he has no problem convicting someone based on what he considers “probable and general awareness” of deflated balls. Keep in mind, this took 100 days to be investigated. Gee whiz, I wonder why? How many steak dinners did he bill the NFL’s expense account for during the last three months? How many MILLIONS of dollars did the NFL pay him while he ran up the bill?

Now imagine him coming back with a report that said, “Our findings are inconclusive, and don’t prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the Patriots cheated.” It would be a gigantic waste of $10 million steak dinners. Coming back with a conclusion that Brady was “probably” and “generally aware” of the deflated balls was the only way that Goodell would feel he got his money’s worth, because he certainly couldn’t say that they DEFINITELY did it. Because there was ZERO proof of that.

And at the end of the day, we’re talking about PSI here. PSI has been scientifically proven to have zero outcome on performance. We know this because Brady went off against the Colts in the second half, after the supposedly deflated balls were reinflated. We know this because two weeks later, against a VASTLY superior defense, Brady sliced up the Seahawks like swiss cheese, in a game in which the balls were guarded like they were Fort Knox.


Meanwhile, steroids is also a four game suspension. Everyone on the Seahawks is on juice. They’ll be the first to admit it. They’ve all taken four game suspensions at some point. And steroids give you a REAL advantage in the game. Just ask Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, and every other player who magically started hitting 65 home runs a year at the turn of the century.

The message the league just sent is that you get the same strategic advantage for steroids that you do for a GODDAMN fraction of a PSI.

But the most obvious proof that not only is PSI completely irrelevant and inconsequential, is the fact that not a single other NFL quarterback has a problem with it. Not one. As a matter of fact the only quarterback who has publicly stated anything about it is Colin Kaepernick:


If PSI were a real thing, that gave quarterbacks a REAL advantage, then wouldn’t his competitors be calling for blood? Wouldn’t they be FURIOUS that they have to play with more inflated balls, which supposedly put them at a competitive disadvantage, while Brady played with lighter balls, which supposedly gave him an unfair advantage? Why isn’t Andrew Luck all up in arms? Why aren’t loud mouth assholes like Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers whining about this like they whine about everything else?

Because they all fuck with the balls and they all realize that it doesn’t give them an advantage. It’s a mental thing. Slightly deflated balls are the equivalent of using your birthday to pick your lottery numbers. It doesn’t help you at all, but it makes you feel better about your chances.

Oh yea, and none of this happens if this is Brian Hoyer, or some other crapbag quarterback no one cares about. This also wouldn’t be happening if it weren’t the Patriots. Because no normal person gives a flying fuck about PSI. But they do care about the fact that their crapbag teams can’t play with the Patriots. So their only POSSIBLE chance to take down the monarchy is to come at the King directly. Take out Brady and take away a first round draft pick.

This is how far the butthurt has gone. I’ll be the first to admit that I was a butthurt Red Sox fan while the Yankees won four championships in five years (96-98, 2000). Every day I woke up and cursed the fact that I had to be born a Boston fan. I fucking hated the Yankees with a passion. Because I was soooo fucking butthurt about it, and so was every other diehard out there.


But did we ever resort to this? Did we become jack-rollin dandies, like all the butthurt losers? Nope. We just came back every single season and said, “this is our year.” We believed we could take down the king fair and square and we did.

But the rest of these butthurt loser fans of the 31 other teams don’t have our fortitude, strength, or conviction. They are the prodigal sons, while we are God’s chosen people. He tested us time and time again – the 85 Super Bowl, the 86 World Series, the 96 Super Bowl – and we still kept the faith. So He rewarded us with duckboat parades from the heavens.

This is nothing less than straight up communist dictatorship. We just witnessed a modern day Bolshevik revolution. How do commie revolutions always start? The losers, peasants and have-nots look at the winners and say, “That’s not fair. I want that. Let’s take it from them because there’s more of us.” The other 31 teams are the peasants. We’re the land holders. Roger Goodell is Joseph Stalin and Vladimir Lenin.

Stalin and Lenin were assholes that saw a dumbass mob of local boobs and used them as a means to come to power and make themselves dictators. Roger Goodell just did the same exact thing. Fans of the other 31 NFL teams wanted a suspension for no reason at all, and Goodell gave it to them because he wants to be a popular commissioner.

But there’s nothing JUST about it. It’s a revolution based purely on emotion rather than on philosophy. The American Revolution was succesful because it was grounded in the teachings of brilliant philosphers like Rousseau and Locke. The Bolshevik revolution was grounded in butthurt, which is why America won the Cold War. That’s us. We’re America. It’s why they call us the Patriots.


The Patriots carry the NFL. Everyone wants our jerseys. Everyone wants to watch us. The rest of the league are nothing but moochers who use us for higher TV ratings. No one would give a shit if the Steelers were playing the Jets opening weekend, but everyone wants to watch them if they’re playing the Patriots. We generate revenue and then the league redistributes it. We win, and then the NFL takes from us. The NFL is officially 100% communist now.

I can’t wait for the Brady lawsuit too. Goodell is living in fantasy NFL land where you can levy out arbitrary, inconsistent, cruel and unusual punishments. But our courts are real places where laws and rights matter. It’s gonna be fucking sweet when Brady’s high priced NFL lawyers bend over Goodell and show him what real butthurt feels like.

The only good part about this is that Brady’s first game back from suspension, as it stands now, is against Indy. I am planning on opening up a KY Jelly stand for Colts fans and players outside Lucas Oil Stadium, so they can brace themselves for the raping of a lifetime. There’s no way the Patriots don’t score triple digits that game.


I can’t believe I’m saying this, but for the first time we actually NEED the hippies. Ya see, you can’t topple a dictator when you have to work in the morning. But the hippies never have to work and protest for a living. Therefore I am calling on EVERY hippie out there to blockade Lincoln and Kelley Square tomorrow. Blockade the highways. Blockade the airports. Pregnant mothers, it is your duty to wait at least 24 hours before going into labor. Surgeries will be held for emergencies only. Everyone must be extra careful so as to not need ambulance services. Criminals must promise to not break the law for 24 hours. No one is allowed to start fires. This blockade will send a message but it will not endanger people’s lives like other protests.

Because today we are ALL Tom Brady, and we are ALL Patriots. This is our defining moment. This can bring us together as a people. Sure, we disagree on pretty much everything because hippies are insane and delusional morons. But I am more than willing to put that on hold for the sake of the greater good. This is your chance to protest REAL injustice hippies. This is your chance to prove that you’re not all just a bunch of frauds.

#FreeBrady #GOATlivesMatter



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30 Comment(s)
  • Garoppolo Fan
    May 12, 2015 at 9:33 pm

    Tried commenting on this three times now with a long rant…no dice – squashed every time. Oh well, go Jimmy G

  • tammy
    May 12, 2015 at 9:08 pm

    The only thing more ridiculous then the entire situation is the fund thats set up to pay the penalty of 1 mill. Lmfao!!! Are you kidding me? The total cost of tickets sales for one game alone can pay this fine. And someone out there thinks the patriots need help to pay it off? I think the last thing Tom is sweating is the fine. Its the injustice that’s the problem not the dough

  • WormtownorBust
    May 12, 2015 at 11:27 am

    Goodell and Wells should anally violate each other with a rusty barb wire covered jackhammer.

  • The Firm
    May 12, 2015 at 10:10 am

    How to know you’re small… You care about this

    • Beetle
      May 12, 2015 at 10:38 am

      How do you know you’re a cunt… You go into webpages attempting to troll

    • Finnish Goalie
      May 12, 2015 at 4:54 pm

      You one of those people that likes to play dumb on Superbowl Sunday?

      “So I hear there’s a football game today, or something.”

  • George
    May 12, 2015 at 8:02 am

    You nailed this one Turtleboy….Go Pats!!!

  • COB
    May 12, 2015 at 6:39 am

    Wah! Who gives a shit? Stick to what you do best: Publicly shaming hot girls with their Facebook photos and posts.

  • O the humanities
    May 12, 2015 at 3:38 am

    Apparently Leo forgot this is called TurtleboySPORTS- not TurtleboyMOTHERTERESA.

  • BobnMic
    May 12, 2015 at 12:39 am

    Correction: When owner Robert Kraft purchased the team in 1994, he did so for $175 million. Since then, the Patriots have sold out every home game in both Foxboro Stadium and Gillette Stadium.

  • BobnMic
    May 12, 2015 at 12:17 am

    Great great blog Turtleboy. I am a HUGE HUGE Pats fan (hence my avatar) since way back with the old Schaefer Stadium with then the Sullivan ownership. Then Robert Kraft came to save the day back in the late 90’s. So fuck the rest of the butthurts that don’t have the dynasty team that we currently enjoy here in New England. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. Probably Jets fans anyway. Fucking Losers! Whew I’m good now thank you.

  • Wabbitt
    May 11, 2015 at 11:33 pm

    Come on Sonya baby – paint 12 on that sweet, sweet ass and wiggle it around Lincoln Square tomorrow. United we stand, divided we fall!

    …to 1-3, probably.

  • John
    May 11, 2015 at 11:30 pm

    Roger Goodell is a fucking piece of shit. I think we should all cancel our NFL Sunday Ticket packages.
    If someone can find a legit mailing address for Roger Goodell, I personally will pay to send him a spring loaded glitter bomb from

    • Vanderbooger
      May 12, 2015 at 7:12 am

      I think that we should remove his toenails with rusty pliers and then make him fight lions at Gillette Stadium.

  • RSoxGuy
    May 11, 2015 at 11:25 pm

    Funny how nobody is even mentioning the Colts 3 out of 4 balls under league minimum….

    • Wabbitt
      May 12, 2015 at 12:18 am
      • BobnMic
        May 12, 2015 at 12:30 am

        awesome link wabbitt thank you very much.

    • BobnMic
      May 12, 2015 at 2:02 am

      Seriously right?

  • RSoxGuy
    May 11, 2015 at 11:24 pm


  • RJ
    May 11, 2015 at 10:46 pm

    Seriously, if someone wants to protest something, this is it. I’m not saying I can prove that Rodger Goodell is Hitler, but I’ve never seen them in the same place at the same time, so I find it more probable than not that the little bitchfaced weasels are one and the same. Throw him in prison for the next thousand years for crimes against humanity.

  • Mo
    May 11, 2015 at 10:37 pm

    The bolsheviks overthrew the tsars, the Romanov family I think…..
    I like the rest

  • Leo
    May 11, 2015 at 10:22 pm

    Steam pouring out of your ears because a sports body makes an unfavorable decision regarding sports.

    No anger, or even passing notice, when our government or supreme court decides to screw us over that much further on reducing our freedoms.

    Yeah, this misprioritizing shit is why our country has the problems it does. Because people don’t give a shit about the right things.

    • Jack Sifrin
      May 11, 2015 at 10:40 pm

      This is a sports blog dude chill out, Turtleboy isn’t out to solve world hunger

      • TurtleBoySpurts
        May 12, 2015 at 9:27 am

        This is a sports blog? A quick perusal of the articles posted here will lay that nonsense to rest. This is a hate blog.

        • Finnish Goalie
          May 12, 2015 at 4:51 pm

          Get your voice back from booing at the awards ceremony? Tears dried up yet?

    • Psshhhttt
      May 11, 2015 at 10:56 pm

      Shut the FUCK up. There is serious fucking injustice here dude

    • Fuckingwhat?
      May 12, 2015 at 2:24 am

      Leo you are in FACT a major fucking weirdo BY FAR!

    • RBG's fat roll
      May 12, 2015 at 8:52 am

      Take off the tin foil bro

    • Nick
      May 12, 2015 at 12:22 pm

      This is a sports blog you douche.

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